Is the phrase "women's ministry" a trigger for you (like it is for me)?

If the answer is yes, you're not alone. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, the traditional women's ministry hasn't been a place where we've found empowerment, Christ-like love or support, or the freedom to just be ourselves. Sometimes, it's not even centered around Jesus.

But God is doing something new. And if you're itching to create a different kind of women's community, I'm about to arm you with 5 elements to help you get it off the ground in the right way.

Grab your pen and paper, sister, and join me as I lay out how to freshly approach building a women's community that is inclusive, safe, and full of real relationship. Let's do this!

Show Notes:

• Intro

  • Hey, friend. As I’m standing here about to dig into this with you, I’m just wondering about all the stories we could tell about our experiences in women’s ministry. I don't think every women’s ministry is bad - so I’m sure there are lots of positive experiences out there. But unfortunately, there are those of us who haven’t had the same experience - and carry wounds as a result.

  • I know that’s true for myself - and I know for certain that it’s true for others. The church plant that I’m plugged into here in Ohio has purposefully started their women’s community as something completely new and different. In fact, they’re not even calling it “women’s ministry” because a lot of us in that group have had negative experiences - so that phrase carries a stigma and a reminder of old wounds.

  • For me, before moving to Ohio, my experience was with more religious churches. And so women’s ministry was not really a place where women were supported and celebrated - especially if you didn’t fit into a certain persona or mold. Instead, in the one group where you should find love, acceptance, support, empowerment, an intense focus on Jesus … one often got the opposite.

  • This is why in the church plant I’m involved with here, we don’t have “women’s ministry.” We don’t call it that. They’re still looking for a new name to use instead, but the entire way that community is being built is completely different than what a lot of us are used to.

  • And I believe that’s something God wants for more than just our church. Because if God wants to heal and empower His Daughters, that means they need a community that aligns with that. 

  • So if you’re in a church where you are aching and biting at the bit to create a different kind of women’s community, here are 5 steps you can take to get off the ground in the right way. 

• 1 - Give yourself permission to break the mold

  • First and foremost, we have to give ourselves permission to start from the ground up. And that’s not necessarily easy, right? Especially when churches across the nation have probably been approaching women’s communities in similar ways. After a while, one way becomes seen as the way - and any change to that “one way” isn’t always seen as a positive thing.

  • But to quote Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Women’s ministry, as a lot of us have known it, isn’t working. It’s not allowing us to be ourselves or to be accepted. It can often be another way the church emphasizes on women staying in a certain box. For example, we can lead...but only within women’s ministry. (Or children's church.) It usually doesn’t help build real, authentic, vulnerable, and supportive relationships. It usually doesn’t help to empower women or allow them to have a voice. Etc.

  • So like Jesus during His ministry, we need to give ourselves permission to shake things up. Tradition does not get to determine how we do things. And every so often, man (and woman) gets settled in his/her principles, and traditions, and man-made rules that maybe don’t align with what God wants or with what’s Biblical.

  • Now more than ever, God’s Daughters need some real community. One that’s all about real love, support, fun, relationships, mentorship, and of course following Jesus to the ends of the earth (metaphorically speaking).

  • So be a rebel for Jesus and your sisters in Christ. Be rebels together. And start from the ground up and build something new.  

• 2 - Offer less structure and more room for organic conversation and connection

  • One of the things the Church has gotten really, really good at - to its determinant - is programming. Every small group, every ministry, every gathering is centered around some type of study or class or tight schedule or structured thing.

  • In other words, you show up. You do the workbook questions. You share a little. There’s a closing prayer and then you go home.

  • Now, am I saying doing group studies is bad? No, I’m not. Am I saying classes are bad? That’s a negative. 

  • But here’s the thing: real relationships are formed from two things. One, having shared experiences and making memories. And, two, sharing about each other’s lives. We bond through sharing our stories. What we’ve gone through in the past. What we’re going through now. What God has taught us. What He’s currently teaching us. That’s how we relate to one another. That’s how we learn how we can help one another. That’s how we find out that, while we’re all different, we all share similar struggles, challenges, experiences, etc.

  • And those types of conversations - which are usually organic - require space. And therein lies the problem. When we structure gatherings to the point where nothing organic can really occur...when it’s just about doing the things versus just spending time with each other...there isn’t space for the actual relationship building. 

  • I’ll give you an example - which may help visualize this and bring it home. I mentioned earlier that the church I’m plugged into doesn’t do traditional women’s ministry. So what do we do? Ah, glad you asked!

  • Once a month, we have a two-hour women’s dinner. It started out being held at the church. But then for dinner early on, we ended up meeting at a restaurant. And the entire group loved it so much, we kept on doing it. A lot of us have recently moved to Ohio, so we were down for exploring the city and trying new things as we also came together.

  • Now, there is some structure - but not in a way where it takes over the entire dinner. Our leader brings ice breakers; for example, we’ll pull little papers out of a basket that require us to share random things. And one woman will be chosen in advance to either share part of her story or what God is currently teaching her. 

  • But these things are only part of the dinner. And they all purposely facilitate sharing stories and things about ourselves - which helps to build connection and relationships. They’re also purposefully meant to align with what Jesus is doing in our midsts. Then, for the rest of the dinner, we’re building organically upon those things and the connections we’re making in general.

  • Again, the idea isn’t zero structure. It’s about being less structured. It’s about ensuring that we’re allowing the space that’s required in order to grow relationships.

  • So less structure. More purposeful structure. And more time and space for relationship-building.  

• 3 - Ensure that you’re truly celebrating every type of woman

  • I think this one is where a lot of us have wounds from. And for many of us, this probably comes from being in a church that was religious. 

  • There was a church that I attended for several years, back when I first became a Christian, that had the very “in the box” outlook when it came to women. There was a high emphasis on women serving within certain boxes - children’s ministry, preparing food for the various church events, etc. - along with a lot of unempowering ideas. Not just from men but from other women.

  • I remember there was one single mom whose family was a part of the church. She had a son, a good job, and was perfectly happy where she was with life. She was in her 30s, totally doing her thing, and had no desire to marry for the sake of marrying.

  • Yet other women would constantly tell her that she needed to marry again. They would push for her to marry - as if something was wrong with her being single. She would explain that she was happy and that wasn’t her desire. But they would ignore her and just keep on about it. As if the Kingdom can only include married women.

  • Then there was me. I was married at the time - having been Saved two years into my marriage at the age of 21 or 22. My ex-husband wanted nothing to do with the church. So I was married...but as far as the Church was concerned, I was single. 

  • It was awkward and weird and I never really felt like I fit in. And while other women knew my situation, and they knew I was creative and not your typical homemaker and all of that, there was still this silent pressure to have me fit into their box.

  • If we stop to think about it, it makes a twisted sort of sense, right? If the culture of the people of the church have women cast in a specific box or role...then that’s going to carry over to the women’s community. 

  • Unless we stop it.

  • Unless we help to change that through how we build our women’s community. We need to celebrate every woman, no matter her age or relationship status or bank balance or history or what season Jesus currently has her in.

  • Because that’s what it comes down to, right? We’re all following the specific calling and path that Jesus has for us … and then coming together to support each other. Tears, laughter, prayer, tough love, financial help, practical help...all the while celebrating the uniqueness of us all. 

  • And no woman should be made to feel left out. Or placed in a box. We need to ensure that our communities welcome all women with open arms - and recognize and support them just as much.   

• 4 - Ensure that you’re empowering every type of woman

  • This one is probably such a shocker, right? Given the name of this podcast. I know it coincides with our previous point, but it bears calling out on its own.

  • Another way of putting this would be: we need to ensure that we’re helping to build up every woman.

  • I think this is one of the things that has been lost the most in women’s ministry as we’ve known it. Partly because of things like religious, traditional, and unBiblical mindsets and cultures. But also because it’s one thing to come together and share a meal or outing...it’s another to actually love someone, to step into their world, and to help empower someone that you might not even understand.

  • Ideally, it shouldn’t be hard. We should be Christ-like in that way. But we all carry our own baggage that can get in the way. And a lot of churches have lost how to do real relationships. It’s become about programming and keeping things superficial and traditional. 

  • At the same time, we also live in a general culture that has us addicted to social media where it’s easy to feel as if we don’t measure up. (Especially as women.) It feeds our sense of not doing enough. Not being enough. There’s also a lot of division in our country right now. And we’re also a culture of distraction and busyness.

  • The big idea here is this: we can’t help empower one another if we don’t make a pointed effort to do so. And that includes not just what we do for other women, but whether we’re willing to seek the Lord and remove things in our lives that are keeping us from seeking real relationships and acceptance with each other.

  • As women, we also tend to believe or feel as if we’re alone. That no one is going to understand, to truly get us, that we’ll never fit in, etc. And if we’re feeling that way, then that’s going to inform how much we open up to others. Including how much we support them, etc.

  • All that to say, just as we need to celebrate all women, we need to help empower all women. We need to get real.

• 5 - Allow yourself to get creative and trust the process

  • Like I mentioned earlier, a lot of church gatherings - including women’s events - can center around programming such as a study. Not always, but a lot of the time.

  • There’s also usually the women’s lunch or dinner. Traditionally held at the church. (Because Heaven forbid we actually do something fun, or go somewhere outside the church building where God could also use us to minister to others where we gather. Or just witness to others by being who we are.)

  • So here’s where I want to give you permission to be creative. Look, real relationships are formed by sharing stories and experiences - like creating memories together. So like the women’s community at the church I’m plugged into, who does a monthly dinner at a new restaurant at the city to have fun exploring new places, give yourself the freedom to (a) gather outside of the church, (b) have fun while you’re connecting and loving Jesus, and (c) trust the process of less structure and more space and time for connection.

  • And here’s why I say to trust the process… Because there’s an often overlooked effect of focusing so much on books and studies… When we do that, we’re allowing the experience of someone else, who isn’t part of our community or church, to have a rather large voice or effect or authority. Instead of letting our own community of women have the voice.

  • And also, following someone’s prescribed, orderly study is a lot easier than digging into our own vulnerability and community.

  • Again, I’m not saying studies are bad. I am sure, without a doubt, that books and studies are used by God to educate and bolster His Daughters. I just did several podcast episodes recently based on the book Captivating. That book was clearly God confirming things to me, and nudging me to share to all of you.

  • The issue I’m referring to here is that we can essentially use books and studies as a crutch...or an excuse not to dig into real community.

  • That’s why I want you not just to give yourself permission to be creative with what you do for your community gatherings...but also to trust the process. It’s scarier to have less structure, and be more open to what Jesus wants to do that’s different, but it’s okay.

  • Jesus doesn’t need a workbook or a traditional setting to bring His people together. For them to connect and grow. But for us, marching into new territory and building something new, albeit with His help, it can feel weird, or like not enough, or uncomfortable.

  • But I can tell you from personal experience it can also feel very awesome. Our small groups, which are both men and women, follow the same idea of having a little bit of structure without a study or class. And after the first meeting of my own small group, several of us shared how we already felt super connected to others in the group. Because it’s about coming together and seeing what Jesus does. 

  • We meet at a couple’s house for dinner and then connection time afterward. But I could easily see our group walking around the zoo or something and having the most amazing connective, Jesus-infused experience. Because we have Jesus at the center; we have space for connection; we have respect and love and inclusivity; and we have fun and build memories.

  • And that, ladies, is what any women’s community should also be about.