As an empowered Christian woman, you need to be aware of the things keeping you from reaching your goals, dreams, and next level of growth with Jesus. And sometimes, that impediment can be a hidden mindset or behavior that you're not even aware of.

A few years ago, I had a powerful moment where I realized that I had been consistently sabotaging my own progress - despite everything that I truly wanted. And though I hadn't recognized what I was doing (until my epiphany moment), I came to realize that I had been tripping myself up on purpose.

Join me as I shine a light on what this hidden behavior was; why you might also be doing it; and how to break free.

Show Notes:

• Intro

  • Welcome, friend! I’m excited about today’s episode because there’s nothing I love more than bringing things into the light that Satan would like kept in the dark. 

  • But first, before we dive into all of the goodness, I had one quick favor to ask of you. If this episode blesses you in some way…or if you’ve listened to any of my other episodes and gained something valuable…I would love for you to write a brief review on iTunes. I love hearing what content has resonated with you, as it helps me to deliver the best value. (And it’s a blessing for me to hear about what God is doing in your life.) Plus, it helps other women just like yourself find the show. So if you would be open to hoping over to iTunes and leaving a brief review, I’d be so grateful!

  • Alright, so on to today’s topic. What I said in the teaser is exactly true. I was actually doing something on a pretty routine basis - and on purpose, although I didn’t see it or realize it for a long time - that was keeping me from moving forward. From being more empowered. From just moving on in life in general. It was just keeping me stuck. And I was doing it to myself.

  • Sounds crazy, right? I mean, why in the world would I actively do something that would keep me from being who I wanted to be? Who I’m called to be. Logically, it doesn’t make sense. That’s like saying I want to be the next mayor of my city, but then purposely doing things that will keep me from winning. Or if I had a dream to start a bakery but then did everything possible to get in my own way? Doesn’t make sense, right?

  • The problem here, though, is that this behavior is often hidden. It’s overlooked. We don’t even realize that we’re doing it - even though we’re doing it on purpose. Why? Because it’s an internal mechanism that we’ve developed from past experiences - and it simply becomes so integral to how we operate that we can’t see it.

  • And a lot of the time, it doesn’t seem to be directly tied to emotions that we easily notice in relation to other things. Such as fear, hurt, anger, etc. So this thing just kinda goes on unseen, under the surface, even as it’s having a huge effect on who we are and how we’re moving - or not moving - forward.

  • Okay, so what is this thing? you’re probably asking about now. Sister, let me lay it out for you super simple:

• The hidden behavior that could be holding you back from growing in empowerment and into the woman God has created you to be is: self-sabotage

  • Why would this be? And where could it have come from? I’m going to dive into that here in a minute. But first, let’s make sure we’re clear on what self-sabotage is. Here are some definitions that I pulled from our friend the Internet:

    • “Self-sabotage is when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals.”

    • “Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals.”

    • “Self-sabotage occurs when we … deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values.”

    • “Self-sabotage undermines your success despite your own wishes, dreams or values.”

  • Now, to be clear, I’m not referring to extreme forms of self-sabotage such as excessive drinking or hurting oneself. What I’m talking about here is purposefully making daily decisions that hinder one’s own progress.

  • I realized I had been doing this in a variety of ways. And it wasn’t simply about not allowing myself to be empowered. Honestly, I think I was so used to life being difficult, and living through very tough, long-term situations such as abusive marriage and childhood, that I was uncomfortable with the idea of life being anything else.

  • Even though I wanted to be more confident, and empowered, and have life that was built on a more solid foundation, and was more enjoyable…deep down, I was uncomfortable with it. Why? Because for the first 30 years of my life, my quote/unquote “normal” was surviving and enduring. My “normal” was living through things that were extremely difficult, and soul wrenching, and left you having to fight your hardest battles on multiple fronts at once just to keep going.

  • So after my marriage ended, and I started rebuilding my life from scratch, with God’s help, I wanted to be more. God had Saved me two years into my nine year marriage, so He’s already done some work in me by this point. But I was still a work in progress. And so even though my life had changed, and who I was started to change, I was still holding myself back by making my life harder than it needed to be.

  • And this would occur in a variety of ways - big and small. One of my most vivid memories of self-sabotage - which was actually when it dawned on me for the first time what I had been doing - was when I was working on my website one day. 

  • I was at home, making some code changes that were site-wide. And in the program I was using, I could have simply used its search and replace function. In other words, you put in the code you want to change, enter the code you want to replace it with, hit search, and the program does it for you automatically.

  • Now, I was aware that feature existed. And yet I started replacing all the code manually - which was taking way more time than if I had done it the easy way. I got partway through when it dawned on me that I was purposefully choosing to take the route that was more difficult.

  • Which doesn’t make sense, does it? Why would I choose to make a simple task way more difficult and time consuming than it needed to be? 

  • Because difficult was comfortable. Difficult was my normal. And as a result, easy felt wrong. I didn’t trust it. I didn’t know how to live it. And so I had engaged with self-sabotaging behavior to make my life more difficult because that felt more normal. And after this epiphany while working on my website, I realized that I had been doing this in all sorts of ways.

  • I would take the longest commute instead of the shorter one. I would make a task more challenging - in a way it didn’t need to be. I would create barriers in my head; reasons why I couldn’t do this or that (even if they were great things). It came out in all these crazy ways.

  • Sister, here’s the thing: as humans, we will get comfortable with whatever our “normal” is - whether it’s a wonderful experience or a horrible one. Because it’s familiar. Because we know what to expect. It may be uncomfortable…but it’s comfortable.

  • So for those of us who come from abusive childhoods, or a toxic or abusive relationship, or are dealing with low self-esteem or imposter syndrome or specific fears…there can be a lot of causes…we will self-sabotage. Even if, like me, I wanted to become more. To live a different kind of life. 

  • But growth requires being uncomfortable, right? Because it means going into the unknown as you level-up. Being empowered means you don’t purposefully get in your own way and make life harder for yourself. 

  • Friend, I share all of this with you today not to discourage you. But to help you recognize if this sneaky, hidden behavior has been happening in your own life. (And there’s no shame in it if it has.) And to take active steps in removing it from your life.

  • If you’re seeing this behavior in your life…I want you to do these things:

  • First, give it to Jesus.

    • This is always our number one step, right? We don’t need to tackle this on our own. Plus, Jesus knows the best way to start overcoming this. He sees how this is connected to other things in your life; what’s going on internally; all the things. So just bring it to Him in prayer and ask for His help. And don’t feel ashamed or put yourself down. That’s not what this is about; it’s about moving forward and your freedom in Christ.

  • Second, start uncovering your self-sabotage habits.

    • After I had my epiphany moment in front of my computer, I made a point of becoming more aware of my decisions. Whenever possible, before deciding, I would take a minute to pause and assess. Was I trying to make things more difficult or get myself off track? If so, why? And then I would consider what choice I should really make.

    • As you start to do this, patterns will probably emerge; certain ways that you tend to self-sabotage. Take note of them so that as you move forward, you can get ahead of things and make different choices.

  • And third, work on getting comfortable with choosing the easy way (if we’re talking about things like code replacing!) - or the path that gets you closer to your goals and dreams.

    • I once heard a well-known entrepreneur say that even when we’re facing amazing positive changes, our body can make itself physically sick because it’s that uncomfortable with the new “new” - even though it's wonderful. 

    • There’s this common misconception out there that when amazing things happen, such as crazy success or a dream fulfilled, we should simply be ecstatic and happy and normal. But any big change can be challenging, especially if, like myself, you’re coming from a season or relationship or a few decades of very hard times.

    • I say this because I want you to give yourself grace during this process. Lean into Jesus and let Him guide and comfort you. This is about lasting transformation - not radical, overnight change. It’s going to take time. And it starts by becoming aware and then, day-by-day, making a conscious choice to not sabotage yourself.

    • And I can say with certainty, from my own personal journey, that this can be overcome. Just because you’ve been doing this doesn’t mean you’re meant to be this way. Or that you’re not worthy of more. Or that you can’t transform into a more confident and empowered Christian woman. The Enemy would love to believe otherwise, but that’s not the truth. 

    • The truth is that you are loved. You are seen. And you are meant for more. (And if I can do it, so can you!)