Are you lonely and longing for a boyfriend? Are you willing to date but, at the same time, feel like Jesus is calling you to focus on Him instead?

Does the idea of not having someone, or setting aside your dream of marriage (even temporarily), feel like too big of an ask? It might even feel as if Jesus wants you to choose between Him and having someone special. But I assure you, that’s not the case.

Join me as I share a bit about my own journey - plus three specific questions that will completely change your outlook. The truth will set you free - and help you see exactly what He’s doing! (Hint: It’s not a nefarious plan to make you miserable. It’s actually the opposite!)

Show Notes:

• Intro

  • So, I’m going to open this episode with a disclaimer. (As I am sometimes known to do.) And that is: I’m not a dating expert. I’m not a marriage expert. I’m not even good at matchmaking. 

  • But I am a woman who, after my divorce in 2011, was called to focus on Jesus instead of finding a significant other. And I get the sense that He’s calling other Christian women into a similar season. For reasons that are very similar to my situation or experience. 

  • So the purpose of this episode - which I’m ironically releasing on Valentine’s Day (of all days) - isn’t to poo-poo on your dreams of having someone special, or getting married, or being in love.

  • There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. In fact, they’re part of how God created us - especially being women. 

  • That being said, a lot of us ladies have come from (or are coming from) experiences or situations that have impacted those dreams or desires in a way that’s unhealthy. So instead of approaching dating, or finding that significant other, from a heathtly, Jesus-based place…we’re approaching it from somewhere else.

  • And that’s actually one main reason that Jesus will call us into a season where we’re not supposed to date. Even if it’s really, really difficult for us. Because He needs to get in there and deal with those unhealthy underlying issues. And He needs us to recognize them as well. Because we can be completely oblivious to them. Or, maybe we have an inkling that they’re there, but we don’t want to deal with them.   

  • And that’s what we’re going to touch on today. This episode isn’t about saying that your desire for a boyfriend, or husband, or to be loved are wrong. It’s about digging into the truth about why Jesus is calling you into this season. And imparting wisdom and direction so that you can gain that clear perspective; have a better understanding about what Jesus wants to do; and walk through this season in a healthy way. Not only in letting Jesus heal or change whatever needs healed or changed; but so that your relationship with Him is in the right place as well.

  • And to do this, I want to give you three questions that you need to ask yourself. 

• 1) Is God calling you into a season of singleness?

  • This is the toughest of the three questions because it’s likely causing you to face a hard truth.

  • If you’re listening to this episode…if the title pulled you in…then I’m going to venture a guess that it’s because you’ve been feeling that tug from Jesus. That He’s been putting this on your radar…this call for you to move into a season where you put aside the dating and focus on Him instead.

  • I’m also going to venture a guess that you’ve been struggling with that call. You may even be fighting Him on it. Whether it’s because you can’t imagine functioning without a boyfriend or the help a significant other brings. Or you feel as if it would mean your dreams of a husband would be further away. Or some other reason.

  • Whatever it is, you’ve been feeling this tug…but can’t quite commit. And it’s causing strife.

  • Of course, you could also be listening to this episode and just now realizing that this is what Jesus is asking of you. Don’t worry - I’ve got you covered, too!

  • And by the way, I know from personal experience that this call isn't always clear at first. Which is why this is my first question on the list. I want to make it crystal clear by highlighting it.

  • It might be unexpected. It might not be what you desire. But if Jesus is calling you into a season of singleness, He has legit reasons. Reasons that are for your own good. (Even though it might not feel like it at the moment; but hang tight with me as we go through the rest of this episode.) 

  • If that is what Jesus is doing…you need to accept it. So if, as you’re listening to this, you know without a doubt that this is what Jesus is calling you to do…stop fighting it. Right now. Nothing good is going to come out of continuing to fight Him. 

  • And if you’re listening to this episode, and just now realizing that Jesus is calling you to a season of singleness, I want you to do the same. Accept it versus fight Him on it. 

  • He’s not doing this to be cruel. He’s doing it because He loves you and has your best interests at heart. Which bring us to #2.  

• 2) Does God want to bring healing and restoration into your life before giving you a boyfriend/husband?

  • Here’s the thing. As humans in general, our vision or focus tends to be much narrower than God’s. His goals and desires for us are also much, much bigger than ours. He wants more for us than we could ever imagine.

  • But what happens in this situation is that our focus is so lasered-in on how lonely we may feel; or how left out we feel because all our friends have someone; or just how much we want or quote/unquote “need” a boyfriend or significant other.

  • And so when Jesus calls us to set that aside, even just for a reason, it can hit us hard. It can feel cruel. Or as if Jesus is downright against it. Because we’re so focused on it. 

  • But the truth is, Jesus probably isn’t against you having that desire. But He does have different timing. And part of the reason that He has a different timeline is because He’s concerned about all of you. He wants you to be healthy - and to have a healthy relationship. One that lasts. One that isn’t built on unhealthy desires, or codependency, or low self-esteem.

  • Jesus has had me in a season of singleness for over ten years. I’m not saying your season will last that long. But over the years, I’ve definitely learned the value of having Jesus heal wounds and root out things that needed to go. Because otherwise, my choice in men (and my relationships) would have been negatively affected.

  • If we’re operating from unhealthy places, then that’s going to directly affect who we date, how we interact with that person, and what that relationship looks like. (And whether or not we break free from internal beliefs and cycles holding us captive.)

  • Back in 2011, when my marriage ended and God called me into this season of singleness, I was a very different Jenn. I still had wounds. I had little self-esteem and confidence. I hadn’t grown into my Jesus-based empowerment as much yet. I hadn’t yet learned how much I am capable of, or how valuable I am, or shed a lot of the junk I was fed as a female from culture.

  • It wasn’t easy starting my life over literally from scratch with a degree but no job; a few thousand dollars; and whatever possessions fit into my CR-V. But the past 10+ years have not only allowed Jesus to heal, grow, and empower me…it’s allowed me to understand the priceless value of allowing Him to build me up before building another romantic relationship. 

  • Because when Jesus ends my season of singleness…which I feel He is slowly preparing me for…then I know I’ll be in a very healthy place. Which means this future relationship, whenever it happens, will be completely different than my previous marriage. Hugely in part because I’ll be different.

  • And so will the man Jesus has for me. (And not just because I married my ex-husband before I gave my life to Christ. My ex-husband who never became a Christian.)

  • Which brings me to #3…   

• 3) Is your goal to find the specific man God has for you? Or to simply not be alone?

  • ‘Cause there’s a big, big difference between the two.

  • Often, when we have unhealthy tendencies, or have experienced bad relationships, or we’re broken in certain areas, or don’t believe we can do life alone due to lies we’ve been told or low self-esteem…we want a relationship for the wrong reasons.

  • We don’t want to be alone. We don’t think we can handle life alone. We struggle with codependency. We feel like there’s just something wrong with not being in a relationship or having someone at our side.

  • There are numerous things that can drive us to always have someone. 

  • But, sister, let me tell you straight up…I don’t want quote/unquote “someone”...I want the one God has chosen specifically for me.

  • Sure, there may be a lot of nice Christian guys out there. But I only want the one God has selected for me. Why? For three reasons. 

  • One, Jesus has taught me how valuable and amazing I am. (Flawed though I am.) And so I want the one man who is meant to see me for me. To see my worth and value and the woman God created me to be. Intimacy, after all, means “into me see.” And just because you’re dating someone, nice though they are, doesn’t mean they’re going to truly see you. I want the one man who will.

  • Two, as I just mentioned, Jesus and I have spent over a decade healing, and molding, and growing me into the empowered and unique woman God created me to be. Sister, do you think I am going to risk going backwards on all of that work (or having it negatively affected) by being in a relationship with the wrong guy?

  • And three, I choose to trust Jesus. I don’t want a husband for the sake of having a husband. I only want the husband that God has for me because He’s (a) hand-picked that man, and (b) having him in my life is part of God’s plan for me.

  • I’m a Jesus empowered woman - which means first and foremost, always, is following Jesus and obeying God. That determines everything else. 

  • So if I’m called to be in a season of singleness, that’s what I do. If Jesus moves me out of that season and brings the man He has for me into my life, then that’s where I follow.

  • Because over the last decade, my trust of Jesus has only deepened. That’s part of the journey. And I know He wants more for me than I can see at any given time - including today. 

  • And He wants the same for you.    

• Wrap-up

  • Sister, I know it’s not always easy to set aside our wants and desires to follow where Jesus wants to take us. And I know when it comes to dating, or having a boyfriend, or dreaming about marriage…it can be especially difficult. Because, as women, we’re wired for relationship. We yearn to be loved. 

  • But God loves us more than we can ever imagine. And He loves us so much that He doesn’t want us to settle when it comes to who we are, or who we’re in relationship with, or what that relationship looks like.

  • God is in the business of building healthy things that last; that stand the test of time. Yes, it often requires doing things we may not agree with or that feel painful…but sister, keep your eyes on Jesus. Keep your heart aligned with Jesus. 

  • Date Jesus and let Him take care of the rest.