Did you know that certain behaviors, instilled in you by culture since early childhood, can impede your progress with Jesus? Especially if you want to become a bold, empowered Christian woman?

In my 30s, I began to realize just how much I’d been programmed by culture. I knew that if I continued in these “normal” female behaviors, I would never be free. I would never be empowered. I would never fully step into my God-given identity, authority, and calling.

So I began reprogramming myself to shed them and, today, I’m going to help you do the same. Because, sister, culture does not get to define who we are in Christ - or how much we grow in Christ. Are you with me? Let’s do this!

Show Notes:

• Intro

  • Alright, sister. Let’s talk about culture. I know that’s not a typical topic on the podcast. But - it needs to be addressed. In fact, not addressing it would be like ignoring the elephant in the room.

  • There are different types of things that can impede our relationship with God. That’s why I talk a lot about things such as holding onto a victim mentality, or changing mindsets, or overcoming things that result from a toxic relationship. 

  • But behaviors that have been culturally ingrained in us (along with their associated mindsets or beliefs) can also be blockers. Can also hold us back from making progress with the Lord. Can also keep us from truly owning our identity, authority, and power in Christ. 

  • Sounds a bit crazy, doesn’t it? … Or does it? 

  • Let’s start with this basic truth: the culture at large that we live in is one of a fallen world. So there is a big discrepancy between the truth of our value as women - having been created by God as co-ruler with men - and what culture propagates in a lot of ways.

  • Misogyny - like Taylor Swift was speaking to in her documentary that I watched - is not of God. Being made to think or feel as if we’re “less than” is not of God. That’s not how God created us. (And if you want to dig into the creation aspect more, and blow your mind with some truth you probably haven’t heard before, check out Episodes 11 and 12. Episode 12 also digs into Satan’s special hatred for women which, yes, is a legit Biblical thing. And explains so much.) But I digress…

  • Anyway, unfortunately, we’re taught early on through culture that we are different. Through movies, magazines, TV, things unknowingly (or knowingly) passed on to us through people - whether it’s what they say or what they do. And from an early age, we end up taking on certain behaviors that quickly become ingrained.

  • But where you’re headed, sister? Growing in Christ and blossoming into a strong, vibrant, empowered woman in Jesus…those behaviors can’t come along on that journey. 

  • It would be like Wonder Woman wanting to train to be a fierce Amazon Warrior but, at the same time, constantly telling herself, “No. Stop. You’re less than. Don’t achieve. Don’t grow. Do what everyone else expects. How does everyone else feel about this decision?” … Wouldn’t make sense, right? 

  • But that’s essentially what you’re saying to yourself when you do these behaviors. And it’s not your fault - I just want to make that clear. Again, these are things that (as women) we naturally pick up at a very early age. And then they become ingrained. We do them without thinking; they’re just reflexive. 

  • That doesn’t mean things can’t change, though. We can take control by recognizing these behaviors and then actively working to deprogram or reprogram ourselves (whichever way you want to look at it). 

  • In other words, you make a point to be more self-aware of when you’re prone to do these behaviors…and then work on not doing them in those moments. And it’s not about perfection - it’s about practice. Because this will take a while; I mean, we’re talking about behaviors that have been ingrained since childhood. That’s not going to change overnight. But the more you practice, the more you create new behaviors and habits. And then you’ll really start to see a change. And I have to say, from personal experience, that it’s pretty awesome.

  • So here are the 4 behaviors that I want you to work on changing:     

• 1) Stop saying “I’m sorry” in situations or instances where you have no reason to apologize

  • Sister, I feel like every woman struggles with this one - so I know you know what I’m talking about. 

  • In fact, during the Miss Americana documentary, Taylor Swift says some very on-point things and then says, “I’m sorry.” But she catches herself doing that ingrained behavior. And she even remarks on how we’re programmed to do that. And how there she is, speaking her mind while being filmed in her own home, bought with the money she’s earned from the songs she’s written about her life…and still, she’s fighting the urge to apologize.

  • It’s crazy! Especially when you consider how this even becomes a reflexive thing for us. Because it’s not as if someone actually taught us, “Hey. You need to apologize when you speak your mind, or feel that you’ve possibly inconvenienced someone even if it’s in a really small way, etc.”

  • But yet…so many women learn to do this. Because in so many ways, from the time that we’re small, it’s conveyed from a variety of ways that we’re to fit into this tiny box and not to make any waves for anybody.

  • This is one of the behaviors that I’ve really worked at eliminating. In my personal life, in work emails, just all around. Because we end up apologizing for essentially existing. And once in a while, I still slip up. Recently, I said this while passing by someone on the sidewalk and I instantly kicked myself mentally. I didn’t bump into someone on the sidewalk. Hobbs, my Greyhound and I, were just walking by. Nothing happened And yet, I was apologizing for walking down the sidewalk of my apartment complex that I pay rent to.

  • Sister, you cannot be an empowered Jesus maiden if you are constantly apologizing to people for your existence. Or for using the voice that God gave you. Or for owning your identity in Him - which means you are just as valuable and priceless as any man. 

  • If you continue to apologize in this way…it’s going to keep you in this mindset of “I’m less valuable” or “I have to stay in the box others want me in.” 

  • So make a point of becoming more aware of those times when that phrase wants to pass through your lips. And before it does, ask yourself, “Is this a situation where I actually need to apologize?” And if the answer is “no”...don’t.    

• 2) Stop reflexively making decisions based on what a man says

  • Now, when I say “a man” I’m talking about men outside of those that you trust. In other words, I’m not talking about your dad, brother, grandfather, spouse, best friend, pastor, etc. The men in your life that you know love you and who you go to for wisdom, counsel, bounce ideas off of, etc.

  • What I’m talking about here is this idea that gets ingrained in us early on about how men in general know better than we do. And actually, to take this one step further, in some churches, certain Scriptures get twisted to convey this idea that women should trust all men. Which, (a) that’s not what Scripture says. And, (b) no loving father is going to tell his daughter to implicitly trust every single man she encounters. Including our Heavenly Father. That’s not loving and protecting your daughter; that’s sending her into harm’s way. 

  • Sister, let’s get clear on some points here:

    • Men (like women) are human. Which means they don’t necessarily see the whole picture as you see it; there might be sin or just human behavior involved; etc.

    • Men (especially ones who don’t know you and/or don’t have your best interests at heart) shouldn’t have a place of authority over your life and your decisions. No matter what culture says. 

    • When it comes to making decisions, the person that knows best - and that you obey above all else - is God. The second person who knows best is you (having sought Godly counsel from your family in Christ, etc.)

    • A man does not necessarily know better than you do - even if he acts like he does. 

  • So, taking those points into consideration, we can’t simply accept what any man tells us. It makes no sense. And yet, so many women learn to instantly question themselves, or change their decisions (or even their desires) based on what a man says. Even if it’s some random guy at work. Because that’s what we’ve learned to do.

  • And what can make this worse is when we come from abusive childhoods or toxic relationships. Because if the abuser or toxic partner is male, then we’re being manipulated and messed with emotionally and mentally, too. 

  • And this is exactly where I’ve come from. I look back on my life, and I can recall older versions of myself being so amiable to what a man would tell me. I could be so sure of something. But then if a man said something that contradicted it, I would start second guessing myself.

  • As a result, I was this leaf always blowing in the wind. I wasn’t rooted in who I was…who I was was subject to what men said. 

  • That’s not an empowered woman, is it? An empowered Christian woman is Christ’s subject first and foremost. Everything gets filtered through Jesus and her relationship with Him. And through God’s character. She’s also done the work, with God’s help, to know who she is in Him. And who God created her to be. She’s rooted in those ways. 

  • This can be a tough one, to be sure. But I’ve walked this road, sister, and it’s so freeing. And, again, I’m not saying that you stop listening to all men. You’ll always have the men you trust in your life. Jesus can speak to you or transform you through relationships with other Godly men - including as brothers in Him.

  • The thing that needs to change here is only allowing certain men to have a say in your life. In other words, to only allow the words and actions of certain men to have weight in your decisions and your life. And you, and your relationship with Jesus, are the filter through which that distinction is made.

  • So start implementing that filter. And when you’re in situations where you find yourself wanting to change your mind based on something a man said, like a random co-worker, stop and assess before going any further. Use the filter. Use your empowerment. Stand firm on the path that Jesus wants you on.

• 3) Stop asking permission when you don’t really need to ask permission

  • So what do I mean by this? Well, because we’re ingrained with this idea that we’re “lesser than” or that we need to stay in our box or that we need to be under the authority of men…we end up feeling as if we need to get permission for things that we don’t actually need permission for.

  • Essentially, we fear rocking the boat. Even if it’s a situation where we’ve been given authority for something. (For example, it’s in our job description at work.) 

  • This can also be tied into other issues such as fear of man (no pun intended). So instead of just doing what we were hired to do; or what Jesus is calling us to do; or acting out of our true identity in God (meaning, we know our value and power as His creation)...we end up seeking someone’s blessing, essentially. We hold off because we want someone to tell us it’s okay; you won’t rock the boat; we’re all fine if you do X, Y, Z.

  • There are several problems with this. One, instead of worshiping Jesus we’re worshiping our idol of the fear of man instead. Two, we’re allowing other people to decide what we do for Jesus. And, three, we’re limiting our value, worth, and impact. And our growth.

  • We can’t be an empowered Christian woman if we’re constantly asking other people’s permission. Sure, we want to honor our bosses, and the government, and seek permission where we need to. 

  • But we need to be aware of other areas where we’re seeking permission where it’s not needed. Where we’re just reflexively doing it because we’ve been trained to by culture. Or we’ve been made to feel “less than” or that we can’t rock the proverbial boat. 

  • If every person called by God in the Bible asked those around them for permission to carry out God’s call…or to step into their true identity, authority, and freedom in God…no one would have fulfilled their calling. And they wouldn’t have led an impactful Christian life.

  • Don’t let this idea that you have to seek special permission keep you from your identity as a Daughter of the King - or keep you in sin because you’re being disobedient to any specific instruction from God. 

  • You’re a Daughter of the King. Of the God of the universe. You don’t need to ask permission to walk that out. Just like with the other things we’ve talked about, make a point of becoming more aware of instances when you find yourself wanting to do this…and choose not to. Instead, like Nike says, just do it.      

• 4) Squelch the need to explain

  • This one can actually come from a lack of self-confidence as well. But it also ties into this idea that we need permission; or that all men are more knowledgeable or experienced than we are; or that we need to apologize.

  • In fact, this can actually be another form of feeling compelled to apologize. It’s just that, in this case, it comes out as a need to explain our decisions or actions in the hopes that the other person will then approve. (Or, to say it another way, to give their permission).

  • Sister, you don’t need to explain or justify everything that you do. Not to other men or women. If someone is genuinely curious, that’s one thing. By all means, share. But if you often find yourself explaining a choice or action in order to have the other person’s approval, or to help them see why you were “rocking the boat”...that’s the behavior that needs to stop.

  • This applies to large decisions and smaller, everyday things. Why you did X instead of Z during a work presentation. Why you chose one church small group over another. Why you’re moving across country to a city completely new to you because that’s what God is calling you to do.

  • Think about it this way…  When people act from a place of authority, and knowing their identity, do they freely offer explanations? Not usually. Not unless there’s a goal such as making a point of some kind. 

  • So as a Jesus empowered maiden…who has her identity, authority, and freedom rooted in Christ…why would you need to explain your choices? (Unless someone pointedly asked you.)

  • You don’t. I’m not saying that you refuse to discuss it with anyone who asks - including those who care about you. But when it comes to this compulsion to explain to everyone…that’s not needed.

  • You’re not beholden to what other people think of your choices. And, honestly, if your goal is to follow Jesus wherever He leads, not everyone in your life is going to understand. Especially those who don’t know Jesus.

  • And while not every decision is about something specific that Jesus wants you to do…such as changing up your work presentation…those smaller moments prepare you for the larger ones. They also shape the kind of woman that you’re becoming.

  • Again, to borrow the Nike slogan, just do it. Don’t ask permission. Don’t apologize. And don’t explain upfront in order to seek approval.

• Wrap-up

  • Sister, as I prepare to sign off for today, I want to leave you with some encouragement. Because I know I just covered a lot and, again, we’re talking about turning around some heavily ingrained behaviors.

  • So I want you to remember these three things:

    • One, no one (including myself or Jesus) expects you to turn all this around in a day. Or a week. Or a month. It’s going to take time. So be patient and forgiving with yourself and stick with it.

    • Two, both myself and Jesus are already immensely proud of you. Because just your willingness to tackle these behaviors, and to be self-aware, means that you’re ahead of the game. You’re already making progress where others are not.

    • And three, remember where your true identity, authority, value, and freedom comes from…Jesus. And remember, if you want to learn more about the creation story, specifically about the true value of Eve and all women, check out episodes 11 and 12. You’ll find a lot of helpful information that, quite frankly, blew my mind when I heard it.

    • Take care, friend, and I will see you in the next episode. Cheers!