Clinging to our pain for comfort.

It happens when we’ve been deeply hurt. Or, when due to life, we find the painful things to be a kind of comfort blanket because we know them as our “normal.”

But whether we’re focusing on a particular offense or finding solace in the familiar, what we truly need is the ultimate Comforter. And clinging to our pain? That actually hinders our relationship with God and all He has for us.

Join me as I break down exactly why that is - and what you can do to break free!

Show Notes:

• Intro

  • Clinging to pain for comfort…  That might sound like an oxymoron, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that, if you’re listening to this episode, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

  • And to be honest, this is still something that I’m working on myself. Even 20 years into my relationship with Jesus. Because holding onto old pains, or their associated mindsets, can become a habit. Second nature. We end up doing it without realizing it. 

  • Especially if our brains have gotten good at being very subtle about it. Meaning, maybe we’re not focusing on the most tragic part of an incident, or the offender, or even the deepest part of the pain. Instead, maybe we’re clinging to the emotions. Maybe we’re clinging to the ideas associated with it - like feeling alone, feeling like a victim (meaning helpless and without power), or feeling as if things can’t change. Which are all lies by the way, right?

  • And we can find ourselves going to that place - whatever it entails or looks like - when we hit a place that requires uncomfortable change. For example, maybe God is calling us outside of our comfort zone. Maybe He’s calling us to level-up in our growth in a specific area. Maybe life is getting better but we’re so used to our quote/unquote “normal” being tough and focused on survival, that we find ourselves scared to accept this new normal.

  • These are just a few examples but, whatever the exact situation, we can often find ourselves clinging to the past, to our pain and hardship, when we should be clinging to God our Comforter.

  • Because the past is not going to give us progress. It’s not going to give us forgiveness. It’s not going to help us let go of what’s essentially holding us back from the future God has for us - which includes being in a more healthy place. And discovering His calling for us and starting to live that out.

  • Clinging to our past hurts keeps us captive in some specific ways. (Again, whether we’re doing it in blatant or subtle ways.) So let’s examine what those are…not to be negative. Not to induce shame. But to simply bring about recognition so that we can become aware and take these to Jesus for His help. 

• 1) We can’t be led by the Comforter (i.e. God) and hold onto our pain for comfort at the same time.

  • Jesus wants us to move forward, right? To heal. To forgive. To grow in Him. To transform. To follow where He leads…which is towards more amazing things than we can ever imagine.

  • Jesus sees and understands our pain; He’s not ignoring it. Which is why He wants us to give it to Him. To lay it at His feet and focus on Him for our comfort, and healing, and growth. He wants us to let go, and focus on Him, so we can move forward well.

  • But if we’re clinging to our past, especially on a consistent basis, instead of Jesus, we can’t move forward. It’s as if Jesus is in the car with us, urging us to put the car in Drive and head for the highway. But instead, we’re choosing to keep our view focused out the rear-view window with the car idling in Reverse. 

  • We can’t look backward and move forward at the same time. We can’t cling to the past, especially to things that have no place in the life Jesus is creating for us, and make progress and be transformed at the same time. 

  • That doesn’t mean Jesus expects us to just get over the pain - or to break our habits - overnight. Or in any other unrealistic time frame. He knows that this is a process. Healing takes time. Forming new habits takes time. Learning to lean into Him versus our pain takes time.

  • But we do need to effect change. And the first step in that regard is to become aware. To recognize where we are so that we can (a) bring it to Jesus, and (b) start taking purposeful steps that bring about change. 

  • And that can be as simple as making a point of becoming more aware of our habits, mindsets, and actions as we go through the day. Because as we become more aware, we can choose to react differently. Or to make different decisions. Including turning to Jesus instead of our pain. To work on trusting Him and expanding our faith as we move forward.

  • Because, again, we want to move forward in our walk with Jesus, right? We want to continue to be transformed. Which brings me to my second point….  

• 2) Focusing on the pain takes our focus away from God, the truth of His power, and what He wants to do in our lives.

  • When we cling to our pain to the point where we’re choosing not to hand it over to Jesus and work on moving forward, we’re essentially ignoring the fact that God is above all things. That there isn’t anything that He can’t heal, free us from, use for good, etc. 

  • God, as a loving Father, wants better for us. He doesn’t want us to remain captive to these habits, mindsets, beliefs, pain cycles…any of it. He wants us to be free from those things. One, because they’re not healthy. Two, because they’re not aligned with becoming more Christ-like. Three, because God has so much more planned for us - in regards to who He wants us to become internally and where He wants to take our lives in general.

  • And, four, because God wants to be our Comforter. He wants us to look to Him - to run to Him - for comfort. Because He is where we find true healing, restoration, freedom from whatever is keeping us stuck, etc. 

  • But if we’re choosing to cling to our pain instead…if we’re clinging to what’s “normal” and comfortable even though it’s not healthy…instead of God…then we’re not allowing Him to do the work that He desperately wants to accomplish.

  • And I totally get that this can be easier said than done. Especially depending on where you are with your walk with God. A lot of us come from things like abusive childhoods, toxic relationships, and other experiences that can taint how we see God as a loving Father or Husband. For us, it’s not just about choosing to let go of what we’re clinging to…it’s about choosing to lean into God when we’re still learning how to see Him for who He really is…versus through the lens of our not-so-great male examples.

  • I completely get that. Everything is a process. Again, God completely understands that this is a complex process. But He doesn’t expect you to completely change overnight. He doesn’t want you to come to Him out of pure obedience. He wants to cultivate a relationship with you full of trust, love, safety, and encouragement. And that takes time. Which God is completely fine with. He’s here for all eternity…He’s not going anywhere.

  • All you need to do is take a small first step in the right direction. And today, that might be as simple as accepting the truth that you’re hearing instead of blocking it out or turning away. It can be deciding that you want what God has for you over what you’re clinging to…making that choice, or having that change of heart, is enough for God to come in and help you get to the next step. And the next one.

  • Because we ultimately want what God wants for us…even as we’re in process. Otherwise, we’re choosing our past, and our pain, over our God and Savior. Which brings my third point….

• 3) We can either worship the pain or worship God.

  • This might sound like a stretch, but stick with me here for a second. Because here’s the thing…  Whatever we worship is what we give our time, energy, and attention to. 

  • It’s also what we hold above everything else. 

  • And what we go to when we want comfort.

  • If we’re clinging to our pain, or our past, for comfort instead of God…then we run the risk of worshiping our pain instead of Him.

  • Because our pain, or what we feel familiar with, is what we’re allowing to dictate our lives. What we can do; how much we can grow; what our lives can look like or become. 

  • And instead of reaching for God as our God and Ultimate Comforter, we make our pain our god instead. It’s the “power” that defines us and our lives. It’s when we end up feeding with our time, energy, and attention instead of God.

  • And so before we know it, finding comfort in our pain has become idolatry. Because we’ve placed it higher than God.

  • This is why it’s so important to lay things at the feet of Jesus even when we’re still trying to adjust to the idea of a loving Heavenly Father or God. (And if you want some additional help in that area, I highly recommend checking out episodes 5 and 19.)

  • If you’re in a relationship with Jesus, then you know on some level that God is good and He loves you. So plant yourself firmly in what you do know and worship God based on that. Set the other things aside; God will answer all your questions, reveal more of who He truly is, and build that relationship over time.

  • But let’s work on staying aligned and focused on Him versus risking your pain to rock you off course.

  • Worship God for who you know Him to be…stay focused on Jesus if that’s more comfortable. Just keep God in the prominent place that He should be…over your pain.   

• Wrap-up

  • Sister, I know that this is a sensitive topic. I felt it even as I was outlining this episode. But I also felt that God wanted to say some specific things in this area - and to have it addressed overall. 

  • You know, I have four content pillars that my podcast episodes have to fall into: The Character of Jesus; Our Identity in Jesus; Breaking Free from Things Holding Us Captive; and Loving Ourselves for Who We Are.

  • After doing over 50 episodes, and getting direction and confirmation outside of my work, it’s become very clear that Jesus is very, very passionate about breaking women free from the things holding us captive. This is, by far, a major focus.

  • And my belief is that it’s because His daughters have been suffering so much, and become captive to so many things, that He wants us to be free. 

  • So sister, take this episode as a love letter from God. It’s not about shaming you or making you feel like a failure. God wants us - and I say “us” because, as I mentioned earlier, I’m also still progressing in this area - to be free.

  • And clinging to our pain for comfort is one of those things that can impede our freedom.

  • So know that God loves you. Know that God wants freedom for you…from all kinds of things. Know that He is patient and doesn’t expect an unrealistic timeline. His main focus is your well-being. 

  • Just take those couple practical steps that we talked about today. Start to become aware of how and when you’re clinging to pain. Make a point of creating new habits when that happens - such as stopping that thought and replacing it with something else. A prayer or a new, positive thought, or a few minutes digging into God’s character in the Bible.

  • Worship God even as you’re building your relationship with Him and sense of who He is.

  • No matter what you may be thinking about yourself at this moment, you are an empowered woman because you belong to God. You have Jesus. And you have the presence of the Holy Spirit. 

  • And if you want a supportive community of women just like you, and 1:1 contact with myself, join the online Relate Escape community.

  • And don’t forget to check out episodes 5 and 19. 

  • You’re not in this alone, sister! Until next time. Cheers!