Dealing with conflict is a part of life. But if your past has included abuse, manipulation, or severe types of unhealthy conflict, handling disagreements or resistance can feel scary and overwhelming.

The good news is, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

With the implementation of some practical guidance, you can learn to see - and deal with - conflict in an entirely new and healthy way!

Join me as I share, from my own personal experience, how to go from conflict-scary to conflict-savvy!

Show Notes:

• Intro

• Conflict. I feel like this topic is right up there with boundaries and confidence. And not just because all three are related.

• No one really loves conflict. (And if someone says that they do, it’s probably for unhealthy reasons.) And if you come from a past where conflict was usually tied to abuse or other hugely negative experiences, dealing with everyday conflict can feel overwhelming, or scary, or even foreign.

• We tend to view the present through the lens of the past - through what we’ve experienced. And if we’ve known conflict that was excessive and deeply hurtful, and caused us to constantly live in survivor mode, then how can we transition to dealing with normal, everyday conflict? Especially if we’ve finally left that abusive marriage, or have escaped that abusive childhood?

• As a Jesus empowered woman, the goal is to go from where you are today to being a woman who competently and confidently deals with conflict on a regular basis. Where you don’t naturally see each conflict through the lens of the past, expecting the worst to happen. Or running away from it, or feeling the victim versus taking control.

• And it is possible to make that transformation. I know this from personal experience. It won’t happen overnight, but there are things you can put in place today that will begin to spark that change.   

• 1) Work on accepting the fact that you will face conflict in life - especially as a Jesus empowered woman.

  • I realize this can be a very scary idea or statement - and probably sounds like the worst tip ever! - but I want you to hang with me here for a moment. There are some pretty important things that you need to consider.

  • Firstly, we live in a world populated with fallen, broken, complex, different, and hurting people - including ourselves. This means that conflict is inevitable. Sometimes it will be little things - such as where to go for dinner - and sometimes it will be larger things - such as unintentionally offending someone. 

    • Conflict, to varying degrees, is something that you’re going to run into in life. There’s no avoiding it. To try and avoid conflict is to not live at all. And certainly not an empowered life doing God’s work.

  • Secondly, as you grow and transform into the woman God created you to be, conflict will become more likely in various scenarios. 

    • For example, conflict can often occur the more that you go against expectations - such as what culture expects of a woman, or what the stereotypical Christian female looks like, or what others in your life believe you should be doing or not doing.

    • In addition, the more you follow Jesus, the more conflict or opposition you’ll face from Satan because he doesn’t want you to make progress or to make an impact. And sometimes, he’ll use people - whether it’s someone you know or a complete stranger - to try and shake you up and derail you. 

  • So unfortunately, conflict is not something that you can avoid. But it doesn’t have to be something that continues to scare or overwhelm you - or stop you in your tracks. Even if you - like me - have a past filled with abuse, manipulation, or other types of unhealthy conflict. 

  • Like learning how to set healthy boundaries, which I’ve talked about in previous episodes, conflict is something you can learn to approach from a healthy and empowering way. (Which I’m going to really dive into here in a few seconds.) 

  • But that has to start with accepting that it’s a part of life. Because not accepting it means that you’re going to want to run the other direction - which means you’ll come full stop on your journey of progress and transformation.   

• 2) Rewire your mindset so that you don’t automatically view all conflicts as bad and/or catastrophic.

  • This is especially important for those of us who have had abusive relationships, tough pasts, etc. where a lot - if not all - of the conflict was unhealthy.

  • When we’re in those types of scenarios, eventually we naturally start to equate conflict with chaos, having to be in survivor mode, being a victim, life being upended, stress, hurt, and a host of other things.

  • What happens, though, is that we then start to see all conflict through the lens of the extreme…and/or as something that’s going to result in major heartache or catastrophe each and every time. Or that’s happening because the other person or persons are specifically out to cause us harm. And as a result, we want to avoid conflict at all costs. 

  • But, as we just looked at, conflict isn’t something we can avoid in life. Also, now that you’re in a different season with, hopefully, those life experiences behind you, not all conflict is going to be like what you’ve previously experienced. In addition, some conflicts can be healthy and actually bear fruit.

  • How do you get to that place? Part of it is working on changing your mindset. And the other part, which directly helps with that, is to implement a new way of dealing with conflict. Because after you’ve started to successfully handle conflict in a new way, it will help to re-shape your perspective and, thus, how you naturally react.

• 3) When facing conflict, implement the following process.

  • When you’re facing a disagreement or conflict, do your best to follow this process. (And by the way, if you want to copy and paste this process word for word, or refer to it later, you can find my episode outline on my blog at relateescape.com.)   

    • a) First, stop and assess the conflict and its source. Specifically, ask yourself if the conflict is due to a simple disagreement, harmful intent from the other person, or spiritual warfare (i.e., the enemy trying to block you or throw you off track)? If you’re unsure, and you’re able to, take some time to step away, pray, and gain some perspective.

      • If it’s a case of simple disagreement, take a breather and ensure you have a good perspective. Meaning, if a colleague is insisting on booking one restaurant over another for the team dinner, try to let past experiences make it seem like it’s a bigger deal than it actually is. Is it annoying? Sure. Would you have preferred the other restaurant? Absolutely. But this person is just being stubborn - or maybe they’re secretly afraid of driving across town. It’s not a pleasant conflict, but it’s a lesser degree on the charts. With that perspective, then decide how you want to respond. Is it worth arguing over where the team eats? Or is it simply not worth your time and energy trying to change their mind? 

      • If it’s a case of someone trying to harm you on purpose, decide how to best move forward - taking into account your own well-being. And remember, it is your decision as to whether or not you respond. You don’t owe anyone anything. Nor are you a victim.

        • If you decide that you do want to respond, whether because it’s a conversation that you need to have, or you just want to stand up for yourself and use your voice, use the tips I’m about to share here in a moment.

        • If the situation isn’t something that you’re keen to resolve…for example, perhaps it involves an abusive ex-boyfriend that you don’t want anything to do with in the first place…and he’s just trying to draw you back in…feel free not to respond. (Not all potential conflicts are worth your time. Consider the source.)

      • This is also something to think about if it feels like this conflict is Satan trying to get you off track. This can actually overlap with the other two scenarios. It’s not beyond Satan to use someone toxic from your current or past life to try and tug you backwards. 

        • Pray over it, seek wisdom about it, but I will say that the further you’re on on your journey, you’ll come to notice that Satan has patterns when it comes to his timing and who he uses to get at you. So this will become more obvious with time. 

        • If this seems to be the case, reach out to other trusted Christians for prayer and support. And decide the best course of action. Continuing to engage can just play into Satan’s goals. So if you decide to engage further, be sure that it’s either something God is asking you to do despite the situation or something along those lines. Also make sure that you’re not putting yourself in harm’s way.

    • b) Second, if you’ve decided to respond, use these tips.

      • If you’ve decided to respond or engage with the conflict, there are a few things to keep in mind.

        • Focus on the core issue at hand. Things said during a disagreement can come packaged with emotions, the story the person is telling themself about what’s going on (something we all do), and even things that aren’t even related to you or the issue at hand. Even if you’ve done something to which you need to genuinely apologize for, or you think the other party could use some brief words of empathy, keep your response mainly on the issue. This will keep things focused on finding a resolution, if one exists, versus unintentionally fanning the flames of emotions and perceptions. (Which, again, might not have anything to do with you.)

        • Respond in a factual manner - even when sharing how you feel. In other words, try to keep things from sounding accusatory or as if you’re placing blame. This doesn’t mean you shy away from the facts or the truth, or that you don’t place boundaries when needed. It’s simply another way to ensure that you’re keeping the dialogue focused. It also helps to cool down a more heated conversation.

        • Be respectful in regards to the thoughts and feelings of the other person or persons. This can feel like a challenge at first, because sometimes we can react as if we’re in old circumstances or relationships. Meaning, we might react from a place of hurt. Or our survival mode might kick in, etc. But those responses likely don’t have a place here, though, so try to focus on the core problem which will help keep that at bay.

        • Remember that you reserve the right to end or pause the conversation as needed. Just because you choose to respond once doesn’t mean you have to continue. If, for example, you simply wanted to respond to set boundaries and use your voice, don’t feel compelled to continue after you’ve said your piece. Or, if you and a friend truly want to figure something out, but aren’t getting anywhere, it can be wise to take a break. Sometimes a little space and distance can bring a new perspective, dose of wisdom, or diffuse emotions that may be riding high.

• Wrap-up

  • Sister, can you see how, with some consistent, practical application, you can begin to handle conflict in a different way? And view it from a different perspective? 

  • We can’t 100% control every conflict or disagreement. But there’s a lot more control to be had…starting with implementing the tips I’ve talked about today.

  • Conflict doesn’t have to mean that you're a victim. You can learn to become equipped for conflict. You can go from a place of “I don’t want to deal with this” or “I don’t know what to do with this” to “I’m actually pretty good at this” or even “Others look to me to help them through their own conflicts.”

  • That might sound crazy, given where you are today, but that’s where you can be someday. For now, though, sister, take those first steps. Use the tips and guidance that I’ve shared today. And be amazed as, over time, you go from conflict-scary to conflict-savvy! Cheers!