Have you ever been in a relationship that took an unexpected turn or suddenly fell apart?

I recently moved 2,000 miles to the town where my then boyfriend lived, only for the relationship to end soon after my arrival. This was partly due to the state of the relationship, and partly due to the fact that God specifically told me to back away and leave my man in His hands.

On one hand, the breakup felt sudden and unexpected. Plus, how could I end things when my boyfriend was clearly not in a good place? But upon reflection, I realized that God never meant the relationship to be permanent, and that He was protecting my well-being by telling me that my role was finished.

Join me as I share more about the relationship and its end; how God called me to step away and why it was so important that I obey Him; and how the relationship played into His overall plans for both me and my ex. Let’s do this, shall we?

Show Notes:

• Intro

• Alright, so as I dive into this episode, I first want to make a couple disclaimers.

• One, while I will be sharing my perspective on the relationship, as well as my own personal experiences, I will be keeping certain details high-level. A lot of our story is my ex’s to tell - whether he chooses to do that someday or not. As such, I won’t be sharing things that would betray his confidence or make him look bad. (Especially since you can’t adequately explain an entire relationship in a single podcast episode.)

• Second, along those same lines, this episode is not about revenge, or placing blame, or trying to make my ex’s life worse. My purpose in doing this episode is to help other women navigate confusing relationships or situations. To help them listen to God’s voice and obey, even when they don’t fully understand what God is doing. Or they feel that inner tug-of-war with their relational, encouraging side. (As well as being careful about our own assumptions, which I’ll go into more here in a moment.)

•  The Call

• So, let me start out with some context as to how the relationship came to be. Not only to help in the storytelling process - so things make sense to you, dear listener - but also to convey some key elements that affected how I saw the relationship.

• Last May - so May of 2022 - God informed me that my decade+ season of singleness was about to end. I had felt Him working toward this for some time. Maybe about a year beforehand. But in May, He gave the official declaration, as it were.

• Initially, the timing really confused me. Only a few months earlier, back in February, God placed a call on me to write a book, resurrecting my childhood dream of being a published author. Writing a book is no small feat. So, doing that in addition to my day job and putting out podcast episodes was already a lot to tackle. Plus, it seemed like God had been putting my focus on my calling. 

• So when He let me know that my season of singleness was ending, I asked for confirmation. I didn’t want to misinterpret what He was saying and then spend precious time seeking a relationship if that wasn’t what I was meant to be doing.

• First, I asked God individually. For some reason, I decided to lay in bed one night and do the ‘randomly open the Bible’ thing after asking Him for clarity. At the moment, I was seriously doubting that there was anything in the Bible about relationships, and my request in general, to support my query. But when I opened my Bible, I found myself at the beginning of the Songs of Solomon. (Or Song of Songs as it’s also called, depending on the translation.)

• Not only had I completely forgotten about that book for some reason. As I read it, I got the sense that the relationship God had for me would be one with deep, emotional ties. A very strong connection. 

• However, I wanted to be extra sure about things. So later that month, during a meeting of the women’s group, I took advantage of their open call for prayer and asked for confirmation about God having a relationship for me. From what several women said, God’s answer was a resounding “yes.” In fact, one woman said that God was “giddy” (her exact word) over the fact that I was willing to love a man. (After all, back in 2011, the year I divorced, I assumed it would be just God and I forever moving forward. And the healing and other work He’d done in me since then has been amazing.)

• Thus, I had received confirmation in an individual and corporate setting. Adding to that was this very strong, inner feeling that my man would walk into my life very soon. When I was at small group, for example, I literally kept expecting him (whoever he was) to walk through the door.

• In addition, I had long felt like that, when God ended my season of singleness, it would be because He was bringing me the one man meant for me.

• In any case, I sat on this revelation for a month or so, not sure how to go about things. I had met my ex-husband on Match.com, so even though an online platform is a great option for someone like myself, I was still leery about pursuing that type of option. But after some research, in July, I joined eHarmony. C contacted me there only a few weeks later.

• It was a unique occurrence because the platform typically gives you possible connections from your region. So, in my case, Ohio. C was from WA. However, our match score was over 100. (Which is why the platform may have matched us.) But as we got to know each other, it quickly became clear that God’s hand was very much over us meeting. And He confirmed that in numerous ways.

• C entered the relationship not sure if we would end-up friends or something more. I, however, entered it with the belief that he was most likely the one. He showed up on our first call with a list of questions. I showed up with zero questions but started calling him “hon” right off the bat.

• As things progressed, our feelings became intense very quickly. By October, I had told him that I loved him - and he reciprocated. Later that month, C flew out to Ohio for a couple of days at the end of another trip.

• When he left, I could tell that my emotions calmed down. They weren’t as intense. Something I attributed to just us finally meeting each other; being more than a voice on the phone.

• With this ebb of emotions, I started to notice some potential areas of concern. Especially if God called me to move to WA. (We had started praying over who would move where.) 

• One, I noticed that C was still struggling with letting go of his past - something I was very familiar with, having walked a very similar path myself. Like me, most of his life included a lot of hardship and dark periods. And, like me, his previous marriage had not gone well. But while my divorce had been back in 2011, more than a decade ago, his was only a few years ago. I could see myself moving to WA and being in a relationship where, when something went wrong, he would see me or the situation through the lens of his past.

• Second, I noticed a difference in our relationships with God. I couldn’t be sure, but I sensed that mine was deeper. That there was more trust and belief that God was greater than my past, the present, my fears, the situation, etc. 

• Even early on, I recognized that C seemed to naturally be where I was a decade ago. Not long coming out of a bad marriage, with a tough life preceding that, and thus a need for God to do not just some healing, but some mindset changes, trust deepening, etc. A lot of the things that I’ve talked about on this podcast, actually.

• But, again, I had entered into this relationship so certain that it was “the one.” So while I saw these things and prayed over them, I was still seeing things through that lens. Thus, I (unrealistically) assumed that C was getting the fast-track method, partially because God had given him someone (aka me) who’s gone through those things.

• And, of course, there were the intense feelings. And in November, God called me to move to WA. So for a while, things seemed to be on track as I thought they would be.

• But then things started to change.

• The Change

• Looking back, C’s visit in October seems to have marked some change on his side as well. (At least, that’s how it appears to me in hindsight.) He started pulling away and, as a result, I stopped saying “I love you” - a phrase that I normally said first or without prompt, and he sometimes followed.

• Again, I don’t want to divulge many details. But suffice it to say, the following months included a rolling back of pursuit; some medical issues; a back-and-forth roller coaster ride regarding being in the relationship and me moving to WA (even after we agreed to it and I shared God’s call on me - at one point, I thought I’d have to move all on my own somehow without his help); and other hardships and dramas that I had to work through. At this point, it also felt like I was solely holding the relationship together.

• Amid all of this, however, God was clearly working. He had my pray for specific things for C - even if we weren’t in much communication at the time. A lot of our calls included me imparting wisdom and things I’d learned in the past decade to help C in a certain way. Not to mention that in December, while I was creating my vision board for 2023, God specifically told me that C would need a lot of forgiveness, kindness, patience, etc.

• Behind the scenes, though, the relationship was dying - though I didn’t fully notice it at the time. I was consumed with job hunting until I landed my current job at the end of March. Then, while I adjusted to my new job, I started tackling an endless to-do list to prepare to fly out to WA for a week in May while also preparing for the long distance move ahead of me. It was all I could do to keep ahead of things, considering the very long to-do list and the fact that I was tackling it all on my own. 

• By this point, we were coming up on a year of doing things long distance and I was nearing my breaking point. Long distance relationships are challenging in general. But my two love languages - physical touch and quality time - require being in-person. In addition, I had the horrible end of the time difference. 

• Looking back, I recognized even then that things were not good. My intense feelings for C had severely rescinded. I was growing weary of the roller coaster ride and not feeling like the relationship was balanced. The more time passed, the worse things got.

• But I was in the midst of preparing to move. And somehow, I still believed C was the one. (Maybe God allowed me to believe it to help me get through, I don’t know.) I could’ve justifiably left the relationship several times, but I didn’t. I kept pressing on with preparing for the move, believing that things would improve when we could be together in person.

• But it didn’t.

• To get me to WA, C flew out to OH (albeit with difficulty, as Delta canceled his original flight). I drove my vehicle with Hobbs, my Greyhound, and our luggage in the back. C drove the 10 ft. uHaul containing my belongings.

• It wasn’t an easy trip. But with my arrival came the ability to - after many, many months - to finally just stop. Stop moving. Stop planning. Stop constantly thinking ahead about the next thing, and the next, and the next. Stop having my home disputed. All the things.

• That ability to stop brought up emotional release - and it also strengthened my desire to be loved in return. I had been holding up the relationship for almost its entire existence; putting C first in a lot of ways, while trying to support him as God called me to and in a Christ-like way even when it wasn’t easy or natural. All while having C move farther away from me emotionally.

• Don’t get me wrong. He was kind and considerate and said that I meant a lot to him. But what did that mean, coming from a place of “I love you.” It was thought that his medical issues were affecting his thoughts and emotions. But still. It’s hard to be giving that much to a relationship without getting loved equally in return.

• To his credit, C did tell me that I deserved better several times. But because it was said in the not-so-great moments (such as when we were driving across the country) or in relation to other issues, it never really sunk in for me.

• Until it was over.

• Looking back, the relationship was doomed to fail. One, C was never fully in it. He had said several times that he wasn’t ready, but since his reasons were tied to past experiences that I didn’t see as happening with me, I again failed to let it sink in. (Plus, it was clear God had put us together for some reason.) 

• Two, by the time I arrived in WA, I was starting to harbor bitterness due to the imbalances. I was desperate for things to be more even; for me to feel more loved; for us to actually and finally talk about some serious things that had affected me; and to get clarity as to where we were. Especially since I felt like I was getting conflicting messages from C.

• Ironically, it was asking for clarity that brought everything down. C and I used audio messages a lot in addition to text (a good option when you meet in different time zones). After what would be my last visit to his place, I sent a couple follow-up audios asking for clarification on a few things. What I received was not, shall we say, an appropriate or respectful response. 

• I replied by finally asking the question maybe I should’ve asked long ago: did he want this relationship and could he handle it? If not, then he needed to end it.

• The response I received to that was two very dark audios. The kind that would naturally cause grave concern about that person. He also broke up with me, though that wasn’t the main topic.

• Now God, in His grace, gave me a sense of peace when I listened to those audios. So while I took a couple steps to try and ensure C received help, including sending a prayer and request to seek help back to him in response, God started telling me through the Spirit that He had this and it was time for me to completely back away from the situation. To trust C and his well-being (again, he had medical issues going on that I truly believe were affecting his moods, emotions, and thoughts) in His hands.

• This was confirmed through a friend back in OH - whom I reached out to for prayer the next day, not knowing anyone in WA yet. She’s a very busy woman. But it was clear to both of us that God purposefully cleared her schedule so that she was available to talk to me. The next day, she texted with the word from God about pouring myself into my podcast.

• By the time C texted me back several days later, which was unexpected, with texts that were confusing and alarming (as confirmed by my friend as well), partly because he was calling me “babe” and talking like we hadn’t broken up and things were okay or normal, I knew I had take action. At this point, I was feeling uncomfortable and unsafe.

• So I sent him an audio sharing what God had called me to do; asked him to respect that; to direct any confusion or questions to God since it was His directive; and told him that I would pray for him; that my OH friend was praying for him; and that it was my hope that there was some amazing things waiting for him on the other side of this season - and that we could reconnect then. But I couldn’t walk with him through this season. In short, I was loving but firm.

• And then I started processing what had happened. Including my confusion. How did I get it wrong? I was so sure C was “the one.” It never really occurred to me that we would break-up. 

• I asked God for clarity. Was the relationship truly over? In which case, I needed to mourn and move on. Or, was I in a holding pattern while God did certain work - both in healing C physically and helping him in other internal areas.

• God answered me through two places. First, a conversation with my OH friend which, afterward, allowed me to fully open up to mourning the relationship and what I thought it would be.

•  And second, ironically through a book he had (again, through my OH friend) prompted me to read called Born to Create. In the first chapter, it talks about who you need to be in order to create for God. You need to take risks. You need to not let the past dictate your future. You have to be adventurous and trust God.

• And when I read those specific sentences, two things happened. One, it reminded me of who I am. I am that type of woman. I meet things head on. When God calls, I go. (Heck, I just uprooted my life and moved 2,000 miles without having the full picture as to why!) And through God’s grace and the work He has done, I don’t let my past dictate my perception of the present or my future. It was refreshing to get that reminder because, for the past year, my life has been about job hunting, and logistics, and to-do lists, and a lot of the things that make me me - like my calling and creativity - had gotten lost.

• Two, I felt something release inside me regarding the relationship. These sentences confirmed that C - again, while a very good and, in a lot of ways, very rare man - is not that way. And while he and I had a ton in common, I realized that I need a man who is also like myself in that way. Otherwise, we’d have a very hard time of it being yoked together. I’d want to run headlong into whatever God calls me to do while my partner wouldn’t.

• This is a huge issue not just for a marriage but also regarding my calling. If God calls me to do something, I want to obey. Without question or filters from the past. My God is greater than anything I’ve experienced in my darker days - most of which took place before I was in relationship with Him. (And even in those times, I can look back and see blessings.)

• That confirmation from God, that this relationship was never meant to be permanent, has been freeing. And it’s allowed me to move on, even though there are still things that I find confusing. There are also things that I regret, like holding onto this idea that we were meant to be when clearly we weren’t.

• But if the relationship wasn’t meant to be permanent, and yet God clearly brought us together, what was the reason?

• I think God used C and I to help move each other into the next season that He has for us. For me, that centered around moving to WA (for reasons yet to be determined). C, being a hugely kind and responsible person, is also a great man to date in that sense after being single since 2011 and, before that, married to a not-so-wonderful man. This relationship has also obviously taught me several key lessons:

• One, as I mentioned a minute ago, I need to be with someone who is just as much a risk-taker and adventurer for God as I am, and

• Two, I need to enter into the relationship without preconceived ideas about how it will go (unless God gives me a specific word), and

• Three, I need to get a better idea early on in the relationship where the man stands in his relationship with God; how he makes decisions; he is steadfast; etc.

• For C, my best guess is that God used me to:

• One, show C that he is worthy of being really, truly loved, and

• Two, pray for him while God did specific work in his life, and

• Three, impart wisdom into his life that he wouldn’t get elsewhere. Early on in my process, God used an old childhood friend to do that. And I thought about that dynamic several times when I’d be on the phone with C, giving him wisdom and sharing things that I’d learned.

• It’s my honest hope that someday, when C is in a better place and God can safely connect us again, we can be friends. As I’ve said, C is a good man. He’s just walking out the path God has for him, doing his best to become the man God always created him to be. Just like I’ve done (and am still doing) as are a lot of you ladies listening to this podcast.

• In the meantime, I continue to pray for him even as I’m obeying God in refocusing on my podcast and creativity for Him in general. (Something I’ll get into more in the next episode.)

• So, ladies. I hope this episode has been helpful. I hope it’s shown why it’s important to be open to God’s voice. Yes, I could’ve ignored my own sense of unease; and the peace God gave me; and continued to engage with C despite the fact that the relationship had reached its end. But then where would I be? Would I be continuing to cause C pain and anguish? Would I be getting in the way of what God wants to do for C? Would I also be setting back His plans for me, and who He’s calling me to serve, by not focusing on my podcast? Including releasing this episode?

• Ladies, we all have our parts to play - for sure. But sometimes our parts are just that - parts. Whether it’s something God called us to or we mistakenly entered ourselves, God has His plans. He can do good in that relationship, regardless. But above all, He has our safety and well-being at heart. And when He tells us to let go, we need to trust His plan over our own desires and listen to Him.

• After all, God is our constant and true Husband. He’s always present. He’s already steadfast. He’s always listening. He’s always forgiving when we seek His forgiveness. And He’s always got greater plans for us than we could ever imagine - because He sees our true potential in Him.

• Trust His plan, sister. Trust His plan over the man. If He says to let go, let go. You’re a princess with many royal duties. You never know what He may be calling you to next. Cheers!