Life after a toxic relationship - whether it’s a dating relationship, marriage, or something else - has its challenges.

Not only do we suddenly face creating a new life for ourselves, but we’re carrying a lot of baggage. There’s often deep wounds that need healed; an identity that needs rediscovered; and a survivor mindset that’s been prevalent for way too long. We want to thrive, but the question is how?

Join me for episode #86 as I share several key words of wisdom born from my own personal experience.

Show Notes:

• Intro

• As I said in the intro, I’m no stranger to toxic relationships. Narcissism. Manipulation. Mental and emotional abuse. The constant attempt to logically argue your case only to never win because you’re up against a master manipulator…to the point where you just end up feeling like you’ve been twisted into a pretzel…. Not to mention the feeling of being defeated, helpless, or hopeless. Or trapped. … I’ve experienced it all, to be sure.

• I’ve been in those relationships…and I’ve also (with God’s grace, provision, and support) established a new, thriving life beyond those relationships. 

• It’s definitely a walk. And in those early days, it can feel daunting. For one thing, if the relationship was a romantic or close one, just living life without it can feel very challenging. Maybe almost impossible, even if some part of you is relieved that it’s over. 

• But I’m living proof that it is possible. I’m a testimony to the work Jesus can do, no matter where we’re currently at. I didn’t come from a great childhood; I made foolish mistakes as a young adult; and at the age of 31, I faced life post-marriage without any idea of what to do. Mostly, I was in a sort of survival-coast mode. 

• Soon after moving back in with my mom, Jesus gave me Jeremiah 29:11 (which I had put on my bedroom mirror via a Post-It): “I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." 

• I had hope because I had God. And it was because of God that I started on a productive path to thriving. I didn’t know what needed to be done - how I needed to heal and change - in order to live that kind of life. But He did.

• And the five things I’m going to share with you…these are words of wisdom that come directly from my own journey.

• First up….

• 1) Stay Close to Jesus

• Like I said a minute ago, our hope is in God. And Jesus is right there with you, ready to guide you every step of the way on this new journey. 

• As bad, or challenging, or murky as things seem right now…Jesus is the beacon you need to stay close to. The events we experience, the people we meet, the circumstances we’re coming from or are currently in…the things or people we feel have been a large part of our identity…those things don’t determine or provide our hope. Neither does our current state - mentally, emotionally, or physically - or what we’re currently capable of.

• Focus on Jesus. Fix your eyes on Him. Jesus knows exactly where you’re at right now and the next steps you need to take. And His goal isn’t to overwhelm you. 

• In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

• Stepping out from a toxic relationship can feel like exchanging one burden (or insurmountable challenge) for another. But, Jesus is there to lead and support you on the road ahead.

• And, now that the yoke of the toxic relationship is gone, you’re actually in a better position to move forward. This was true in my journey. Jesus had done quite a lot of work in me while I was married. But once I was free from that relationship - and the chaos and hurt it included - there was one less major obstacle or complication standing in the way.

• And even though, after moving back in with my mom, I had no idea what to do next. And my confidence was so low, I didn’t believe I could get a full-time job in my field despite my degree and freelance experience. And I would have just coasted along to nowhere, content to survive if I’d been left to my own devices, Jesus didn’t let me settle. He got me where I needed to go.

• 2) Understand That There’s Work to be Done by Jesus - and That’s Okay

• This may sound obvious, but it’s crucial to point out. When we exit a toxic relationship, we can feel like quite the mess. Or lost. Or just beside ourselves. 

• Those around us who haven’t been in this kind of relationship might not understand why we can’t just dive into life and thrive. Toxic relationships can be very, very damaging. And for someone like me, who had an abusive childhood and never learned to thrive, and who became a Christian two years into my marriage, Jesus needed to do some next-level work. 

• And that wasn’t my fault. It’s just where I was in life. I was actually much better off than any other time in my life, despite my circumstances. I was in a relationship with Jesus, and the major toxic relationship in my life had just been removed. Jesus was now able to take me places - geographically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally - that hadn’t been possible before. (At least, not as easily.)

• But I needed to let Jesus do that work. Obviously, I didn’t know what that looked like. But I kept myself focused on Him and followed where He led. Even if I wasn’t sure why at the time.

• As time passed, I began to transform into Jenn 2.0. Life became less about survival and more about being empowered, proactive, and thriving. 

• Jesus knows exactly what you need and when, and there’s no reason for you to feel guilty about needing that work.

• It’s not uncommon to blame ourselves for entering the toxic relationship or not leaving it sooner. And that blame can then roll over to feeling guilty about not having it together and the need for Jesus to do all of this work.

• Not only is that not productive, it’s the Enemy talking. There’s no shame in being a survivor. And there’s nothing to keep Jesus from moving into a “future and a hope” - except you.

• Let Him do the work.

• 3) Give Yourself Time to Heal

• Oftentimes, it’s not until we’ve left a situation or relationship behind that we begin to see the full effects. Narcissists and master manipulators are very, very good at creating chaos, deflecting the truth (including our needs), and turning daily life into a constant game of keeping up. The more we’re on our toes, the more power they wield.

• That in and of itself requires some serious healing time. Whether this is the only toxic relationship you’ve had or one of many. 

• You’re also likely to have some deep wounds from things that were said or done; abuse you endured (whether mental, emotional, or physical); not to mention that the other person may have purposefully exploited past hurts or weaknesses (or preyed on something you love or enjoy).

• No one can simply bounce back from those things. That’s unrealistic - and unhealthy. That being said, you don’t need to work through them all at once, either. If there’s something that’s particularly troubling you, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional. Meanwhile, also walk with Jesus on these matters. Pour your heart out to Him (He can take it), and trust Him to bring healing.

• There’s nothing God can’t heal or help you overcome. (And I don’t say that flippantly. I say that as someone who has had her own share of major wounds.) 

• 4) Work on Establishing Healthy Boundaries

• One of the things that usually erodes in a toxic relationship is healthy boundaries. It may also be something that’s never been learned.

• This was the case with me. Between my childhood and everything culture had taught me as a woman, I had never learned how to establish healthy boundaries. Which, I suspect, is one of the reasons Jesus taught me just that not long after giving my life to Him. (Which, again, was two years into my marriage.)

• Jesus put a specific book and accompanying workbook in my path to help me understand what healthy boundaries were; why they were so important; and how to implement them. It required deprogramming myself, but the work was worth it. It helped me not just with other people, but within my marriage and then when it ended.

• When we’ve just left a toxic relationship, we need time for ourselves. Time to stop and breathe. Time to spend with Jesus. Time to heal and find our way forward. It’s a time when healthy boundaries are especially crucial. 

• You deserve that time for all the reasons I just mentioned. And, unfortunately, not everyone in your life might agree. Plus, I’m sure the Enemy isn’t an advocate for anything that can help put you on the right path.

• If you’d like to delve more into this topic, episode 27 of this podcast specifically focuses on boundaries. Also, the book God put in my path years ago is still available today. Hop on Amazon and search for a book on boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. There’s also a companion workbook.

• Boundaries are one of your best friends after a toxic relationship. Learn about them. Embrace them. And allow yourself to practice implementing them with an empowered attitude. Only you and Jesus know best what you need right now - and what you can handle. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself, and let people’s reactions be what they may. Jesus has your back.

• 5) Rediscover Who You Are

• One of the things boundaries can allow you to do is rediscover who you are. The longer we’re in a toxic relationship, the more we tend to lose our sense of self. For one thing, the other person usually doesn't want us to be ourselves - let alone happy and successful. It’s about them. And for another, life ends up being a daily challenge against chaos, abuse, and manipulation. As a result, we get lost and buried under it all.

• But when that relationship is gone, who we are - and who God created us to be - can reemerge. Or, in some cases, emerge for the first time. (Both instances being true in my own journey.)

• Getting in touch with who we are also includes reminding ourselves of our core identity: God’s daughter and princess. (Which likely wasn’t recognized or upheld in our former toxic relationship.) That is the foundation to our identity; everything else stands on top of that.

• Holistically, the more we get in touch with who we are, the more we are grounded in the right things. God, for one, and who we are in His eyes. But also our personality, our passions and what we love to do, the areas where we excel, and even past connections (healthy ones) that might have fallen victim to the relationship.

• That all helps to restore clarity and joy…and to align with our hope in God. Reminding ourselves of who we are, and how much God loves us, is almost like an antiserum to the toxicity we’ve been around for far too long. And excavating who we are as a person helps us see avenues that Jesus might take us down as we walk into the future.  

• Wrap-up

• “I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." That’s God’s promise in Jeremiah 29:11.

• Like me, some of you ladies listening to this episode may have spent decades surviving all kinds of horrible things. All the while, struggling to build a good life for yourself when the world - be it your family, culture, or even the big “C” church - never taught you how to thrive. You’ve just been an expert in surviving.

• And leaving behind the toxic relationship…while a positive change, you may be wondering if a life of thriving - versus surviving - is even possible. 

• I’m living proof that it is.

• Focus on Jesus. Allow Him to do the work whether it takes weeks, months, or even years. (Remember, different wounds and growth steps need to happen in their own time. And the last thing Jesus wants is to overwhelm you - even with positive progress.) 

• Meanwhile, be patient with yourself - and with Him. Give yourself grace. It may not seem like it now, but you will look back one day and be blown away by your amount of progress. Also, work on establishing and maintaining those healthy boundaries so you can do things like rediscovering who you are and what you enjoy. 

• A life where you thrive is possible. And just like God, I believe in you. Cheers!