An empowered woman has healthy relationships. But when you’re learning how to be an empowered woman, and you’ve come from toxic or unhealthy relationships, this transition can be trickier than we anticipate.

It’s not uncommon to have ingrained habits and behaviors that can sabotage healthy relationships without us realizing it. The good news is we can alter this dynamic.

Join me (for episode #88) as I share 5 common ways your past might be affecting your current relationships and what you can do to change that.

Show Notes:

• Intro

• Alright, sister. Let’s talk about relationships - whether that’s a friendship or a romantic relationship - and some things that could be silent culprits in your life.

• And I want you to know that if any - or all - of the five things I’m about to talk about apply to you, there’s no reason to feel guilty or beat yourself up.

• Most, if not all, of these five things stem from being in some type of unhealthy relationship. Or more than one. Maybe, like myself, you had an abusive childhood. Maybe, like myself, you were married to a highly toxic man. 

• Whether unhealthy relationships have been all you’ve pretty much known, or they only accounted for a specific season or experience, it can cause us to naturally acquire certain habits or behaviors - and feelings or beliefs about ourselves.

• And even when we step away from those unhealthy relationships and into a new season, or a new future, these things can linger. But - they don’t need to stay. We can become aware of them; their affect in our lives; and take proactive steps to remove them. 

• But first thing’s first, right? What are these five things that I keep referring to? Let’s go down the list, briefly covering each one, and then talk about some practical, actionable steps you can take to turn things around.

• 1) We Don’t Feel Worthy 

• When we’ve been in unhealthy relationships, especially abusive or toxic ones, our self-esteem and self-confidence suffers. Even if we’re a very strong woman, depending on the situation, who we are can start to be whittled away.

• This was my experience with my father growing up. I am naturally a highly joyful, encouraging, creative person. But ever since I was born, or at least since my earliest memories, my father was highly emotionally and mentally abusive. And this continued into my teens, when I was vulnerable in additional ways because usually those years are about understanding yourself and preparing for life ahead.

• As a child, with no refuge outside of the home other than school, my father’s abuse naturally took a serious toll on my self-esteem and self-worth. I had very little confidence in myself. Partly because of his abuse, and partly because I wasn’t being prepared for life in the ways I should’ve been. Instead, I was the object of my father’s abuse until my parents divorced. And then my mother leaned on me as if I were another adult parent.

• Your experiences or situation, sister, might have been different. But the results have likely been very similar: low self-esteem; very little self-confidence; and a low opinion of yourself in general.

• And what does this all amount to? Feeling unworthy of real, safe, healthy love when it’s offered to use in friendship or something else.

• So, as a result, whether we realize it or not, we either essentially turn and run away from it. Or, we do something to sabotage it. Even if we’re telling ourselves that we want this relationship, we can be acting differently. Because we don’t feel worthy of real love. We don’t believe that we’re enough. Or we think that we’re too damaged. 

• 2) We Want the Other Person to be Like Jesus

• This is something that I heard more recently in my own journey, and it made so much sense to me. And, I realized that I had done this in my own life. So, what do I mean by this?

• When I say that we want the other person to be like Jesus, it means that we want to stay firmly behind our very high walls, where it’s safe, and wait for people (or that one person) to pursue us so hardcore that we eventually let them in.

• Like Jesus. Who, for a lot of us, pursued us for years, waiting for us to accept Him into our lives despite whatever walls we had. Believing in another religion; not believing in a higher power at all; not wanting to engage in a relationship with Him because we were scared, had been hurt too much, etc. 

• Jesus never stops pursuing with perfect love. But - He’s Jesus. And as hard as it can be to hear, sister, it’s not realistic to expect humans to be like Jesus in that way. There might be that one person who will remain a consistent, loving presence…waiting patiently for you to step out from behind your walls. But, that would be a rarity - not the norm. 

• Besides, that’s not the actual issue is it? The real issue here is that we need to lean into Jesus and step out from our walls. I’ll say that again. We need to lean into Jesus, for support, as we venture out from our own walls.

• If the person who wants to be in a relationship with us, even as a casual friend, is someone who is safe…meaning, the relationship, whatever it looks like, would be healthy, then we need to be bold and courageous and let them in. Even if it’s just a little bit at first - whatever we’re comfortable with. 

• 3) We’re Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

• Being human often means being contrary. (I think we can all agree on that one, right?) And one of the things that we can be contrary about is being comfortable with being uncomfortable.

• As much as some people out in the world want to define “normal” as one type of concept for everyone, the truth is that everyone’s “normal” (and therefore “comfortable”) is different. And if you grew up in an abusive home, or had a toxic marriage, we can still find that comfortable even though it was horrible and we’re glad it’s over.

• Humans like what’s familiar - which is what I mean by saying the word “comfortable” here. Familiar, even if it’s horrid, is known. It’s what we’re accustomed to. It can even feel safe even though it isn’t. 

• So, when we leave unhealthy relationships and are presented with the chance to have healthy relationships, we may reject or sabotage them because it’s not a familiar experience. (Whether we realize we’re doing it or not.) 

• Our innate human nature, which wants things to be predictable and familiar, is like, “Nope. This may be a good thing, but I don’t inherently want to accept this. This is new territory.”

• It’s like the Isrealites after God liberated them from Egypt. God was literally showing up for them as a pillar of cloud and fire, leading them to the Promised Land, providing everything they needed along the way, and yet it didn’t take long for the Isrealites to start longing for Egypt - even though they had been slaves. Which is one of the most uncomfortable relationships you can have, right? Yet, instead of leaning on God and trusting Him, they simply wanted what was familiar.

• We need to be careful that we’re doing the same. 

• 4) We Need to Let Go & Make Space

• In addition to comfortability, when we’re used to surviving, we tend to hold onto things that really can’t go forward with us. And sometimes, we’re not even aware that something (or someone) falls into this category. It might not be apparent. But we can ask Jesus; or listen to Him when He tells us to let go.

• A few years ago, Jesus had me in a hardcore wilderness season. At the time, I was communicating with two friends I’d known since grade school. 

• One day, Jesus told me to let go of those relationships. His reason was that there are simply some things that you can’t take with you into the Promised Land. And while I was in the wilderness, and had no idea what my Promised Land was going to look like, I listened to Jesus.

• I had known for some time that neither of those relationships were exceedingly good for me. But it wasn’t until I got more distance from them, and looked back in hindsight, especially after I was out of that wilderness season, that I could more fully see Jesus’ wisdom in having me walk away from those relationships.

• Those two women weren’t inherently bad. But, who they were (and were becoming) simply didn’t align with where Jesus was taking me. 

• Sometimes, we have to learn to let go of certain things to make room for the right things - like healthy relationships.

• 5) We Need to Put Ourselves First

• When we’re in a toxic relationship, we usually aren’t a priority. I certainly wasn’t one with my father. And I experienced the same thing with my ex-husband.

• When we’re in those kinds of experiences, it’s not uncommon for us to stop loving ourselves, or to stop taking care of ourselves, or to quit setting healthy boundaries, and the like. 

• But here’s the thing: We can’t have healthy relationships with other people if we don’t first have one with ourselves.

• And not just because people will pick up on this. Meaning, if you met someone who constantly puts herself down and doesn’t treat herself well, would your first thought be to become her new best friend?

• It’s also about keeping yourself healthy - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - so you can actually engage in healthy relationships. 

• If you’re not loving on yourself, and treating yourself well…but instead, are constantly putting yourself down in your head and with your actions…you’re not going to feel worthy; you’re going to stay behind your walls and want people to pursue you like Jesus; you’re going to be less willing to lean into Him and step outside what you’ve known as your comfort zone; and you’re much less likely to make space for others. (In all words, this can affect points 1-4 that we just talked about.)

• We need to make sure we’re loving ourselves and putting ourselves first in the right ways. 

• Wrap-up

• And this brings me to the practical, actionable steps you can take if any of these challenges apply to you. (And don’t feel bad if all of them do because, trust me, you are not the only one.)

• But whether you’re dealing with one or more of these, here are some steps you can take.

• First, take it to Jesus. This is a step I repeat a lot on this podcast because Jesus is where we need to start. In this situation, you ask Him things like: help me see my blind spots more clearly; how I am holding onto things or sabotaging things that I’m not currently aware of?; what are these things I’m holding onto?; what am I doing to keep myself apart from healthy relationships?; what healthy relationships do you have for me?. You can ask Him to support and comfort you through the process.   

• Second, keep a journal. This can be a Google Doc or a physical journal. (And if you want something dedicated just for this use, visit my RedBubble store. I’ve got several custom designed ones that you can choose from. Just click the link in the show notes for the store.)
  
  The big idea here is to have a plan of attack. The first step in that is prayer. But the second requires some strategy. By writing down what you’re doing or struggling with, and actions that you can take, you’re waging war on these old things that no longer have a place in your life. You’re becoming empowered while also partnering with God’s power.
  
  What and how much you record is up to you. You can also write down your successes; your progress. Which, by the way, does not need to occur in leaps and bounds. Any small change in behavior, or any small window you create in your walls, is a step forward. These things are not going to change overnight. We need to actively work at them - which is another reason why a journal is a good idea.

• Third, give yourself grace and patience. And take care of yourself. Again, these things aren’t going to disappear overnight. It’s going to take time; training yourself with new mindsets and habits; and giving yourself grace when you feel like you’ve regressed or haven’t acted like you wanted to. 

• And remember - awareness is the first step. Just being aware, and being willing to name and work on these things, is not something everyone does. And Jesus is right there with you.

• I can’t tell you the exact steps you need to take - because I don’t know your specific situation. But Jesus does. He knows who you are, what you’ve endured, and what you need to move forward. He’ll provide the clarity and the support. Just keep your eyes and ears open for the answers - and the voice and nudging of the Holy Spirit.

• Trust in God’s love - the safest love of all - and He will help you become the empowered woman you were always meant to be. Cheers!