Toxic relationships definitely leave behind their share of hurt and damage.
Whether it's a marriage, dating relationship, or co-worker situation, the results are often the same. Pain, uncertainty, and a bit of an identity crisis. Not to mention the self-examining questions such as: How did I not see the truth? What could I have done better? And how in the world do I move forward?
In today's episode, I share part of my own story - plus 3 must-have steps for your healing journey.
Something better awaits you, friend! Let's get you on the right path.
Show Notes:
Intro
Okay, friend. Let’s get into this because, as we know, the struggle is real. Toxic relationships definitely leave their mark. They can be so all-enveloping, so consuming, and wreak so much havoc on our lives and with how we see ourselves.
And if you’ve been in one for a long period of time, coming out of that can be such a relief - like walking into the sun for the first time in days - but it also comes with its challenges and struggles.
And trust me, friend, I’ve been there.
So today I want to walk you through some must-haves for your healing process moving forward. These are things that come from wisdom, including Biblical wisdom, and from my own personal experience.
1) First and foremost, give yourself time and space
This is NOT the time to jump into another romantic relationship. This is the time to stop, access, lean into Jesus, let Him heal, and for you to follow His lead and timing.
This season is about you and Jesus. No one else. Why?
Firstly, you need time. You need time to heal. You need time to gain clarity that only comes from distance - looking back now that you’re not living in the thick of it. You need time to come up for air, and to purge certain things from your life. You need time and distance.
Second, when you’re dealing with a toxic and/or abusive person, there is a lot to extract yourself from. I know from personal experience. It’s like living in a constant web of manipulation; it’s walking on eggshells; it’s trying to keep things going even as you’re getting pushed down and manipulated in ways you won’t even see until you’re out of it.
The more time that passes, the more you’ll look back and see, “Oh, he was really doing this here.” Or motives and other angles come into focus. Things that you don’t notice at the time because you were in it all and dealing with so much. Or because he just didn’t want you to see it at the time.
After I got divorced, this happened a lot for me. The more time and distance I got, the more I looked back and pieces came together. I realized or saw what he had been up to.
Only time and distance does that. Not that you can’t ask God for clarity. But a lot of these things weren’t even on my radar until suddenly they made sense. Because my brain and emotions needed time and space in order to even process them.
So why is all of this important? One, it’s part of the healing process. If you haven’t properly healed from something, it’s very difficult to move on in a healthy way - including into another relationship.
Two, it’s not just about accessing him or what he did. This is also about accessing where you are. Not in a guilt-laden way; but if there are wounds that you had prior to this toxic relationship - that is why you were drawn to this person and/or had trouble letting go - then it’s important to make that a focus. To allow Jesus the time and space to come in and heal those.
Which takes us to point #2:
2) Make yourself a priority and discover you’re true value
One of the things we often go in with - when we enter a toxic relationship, whether we see it as a toxic relationship on the onset or not - is a low opinion of ourselves. A low sense of value and self-worth. And that can come from a lot of things: abusive childhood; a traumatic experience; things culture taught us; etc.
So we don’t inherently have a high sense of value or self-worth. And so whether we realize it at the time or not, we end up being drawn into toxic or abusive relationships. Where our value and self-worth is often made even lower.
This was exactly what happened to me. I had an abusive childhood, low self-esteem, and just wanted to be loved. I also had no idea how to navigate the world and thrive. So in my early 20s, I married my (now) ex-husband in order to be financially okay. And as a master manipulator who dabbled in the occult, he saw a young woman that he could control.
Thankfully, God Saved me two years into my marriage. And so then He started to work in me so that I wasn’t nearly as codependent on my ex-husband. And He healed me and got me removed from my own ties to Wicca and worked on my self-confidence. Things like that.
After the divorce, when I started my life over from scratch (literally), God started really working on who I was. And He put me in the season I am still in, ten years later, where my focus is on Him and letting Him restore me into the woman He created me to be. I’m in a season of singleness - for however long that lasts.
Now some of you may gasp at that time frame - ten years without a romantic relationship. But Jesus knows what’s best for me. And I have gone through too much, and fought too hard, to lose myself, after finally finding myself, by entering into a relationship that isn’t the man God has for me - if He does, indeed, have one for me.
I’ve made Jesus, and Him working on me, a focus. I haven’t done it perfectly. If you’ve listened to Episode 4, or read the Meet Jenn page on my website, then you know how I drifted from Him for a few years before He brought me back into His fold, by His grace.
But you get what I’m saying, right? The Enemy wants nothing more than for us women to feel completely devalued. (If you don’t believe me, check out Episodes 11 and 12.) So coming out of a toxic relationship, we need to make ourselves (in addition to Jesus) a priority. We need to dig into our relationship with Jesus, and either rediscover - or discover for the first time - who we really are and how much value we have.
Because if we don’t have that straight...if we don’t understand our true worth in God’s eyes...if we don’t get our identity...then so many things in our life are going to be off. Our decisions are going to be affected. But this is foundational.
Back in Episode 11, I talked about how Eve is God’s pièce de ré·sis·tance of creation. How she’s a co-ruler - not a helper in the sense that a lot of us have been taught. We have insane value. And we need to let Jesus get in there and heal, remove, or rewire anything that is standing in the way of us recognizing and owning that.
Which brings me to Point #3:
3) Lean into Jesus and make Him your everything
Husband, Provider, Best Friend...Jesus is your #1 “man” at this point. He’s the one you need to lean on.
And this can be really hard. This may be the first time you’ve had to lean into Him like this.
This may entail allowing Him to get in there and deal with some things you don’t want to deal with.
But you need to.
Doesn’t mean that Jesus is going to tackle everything at once. He’s not going to push you past what you can handle. He’s patient, kind, and loving. This is one of the reasons you have to give Him the time and space to work, as we talked about a few minutes ago.
But you do need to let Him in there. You do need to seek Him above all other things. Look to Him. Because that’s where you’re going to find healing, truth, patience, kindness, and love. He’s the ultimate healer.
You want to know a secret? Jesus wants more for you.
More than you can probably imagine for yourself at this moment. He knows your true value. He knows who you were created to be. He knows what He can do in your life - if you let Him. He knows the dreams you’ve long kept buried; the wounds you’ve long carried; the impact you yearn to make in the world.
Lean into Him and go where He leads. Could take months; could take years. Every wound has its own healing process. But Jesus will get you there.
And if you’re still learning about Him? If you’re still figuring out this relationship with your Savior? That’s okay. Jesus is so amazing that He can teach you about Himself as He does all these other things. In fact, going through these things will naturally reveal more of His character.
Ask questions of Him. Test Him. He’s down with that. He knows you have a lot going on and need to talk some things out. Need to find the way in this new season and relationship with Him. Don’t be afraid.
The one thing we don’t want to do, ladies, is let these toxic relationships have a lasting impact on our relationship with Jesus - or our Heavenly Father. Notice I said “lasting” because it will take time to deal with everything. But we don’t want to think about Jesus the same way we think about the man who manipulated us all day long. Because Jesus is not like that. And because the Enemy would like nothing more than for that to happen. For our relationship with Jesus to be marred.
Don’t think you can do that by yourself? Ask Jesus to help you. That’s not a request He’s going to say no to, trust me. He wants to be close to you - as does your Heavenly Father.