Sister, have you ever struggled with living up to the Proverbs 31 woman? Does it feel like this impossible goal that just leaves you in confusion, doubt, or despair? Or feeling like a failure?

Well, guess what... I recently discovered that, Biblically speaking, the so-called “checklist” is not actually a checklist! It’s not even instruction for women. In fact, it’s not even primarily about women. - it’s about a man!

Join me as I unpack who that man is; what the real meaning is behind Proverbs 31; and why you can say goodbye to the weight of a gigantic, unattainable checklist!

Show Notes:

Intro
- Hey there, friend! I hope you are sitting down whenever you are because this episode is going to literally rock your world. I’m not joking when I say that it’s going to completely change everything you know about the Proverbs 31 woman and how it impacts your life - for the better. I promise you.
- This knowledge that I’m about to share actually landed in my life quite unexpectedly. And I’m so grateful to the person who supplied this Biblical truth and freedom - and I’ll share who that is in a minute - because to be honest, I never bought into the Proverbs 31 “here’s your impossible checklist” meaning.
- In fact, I had long ago just mentally shelved all of Proverbs 31 because I saw two inconsistencies that I simply couldn’t ignore. I didn’t know what the real meaning of Proverbs 31 was…I’m not a Biblical scholar or pastor or theologian…and so I just said, “You know what? This doesn’t make sense. I know there has to be more here, but I don’t know what that is. So I’m not accepting this as an unattainable checklist that I need to accomplish - to be a valued female. I’m simply going to shelve it.”
- And, friend, as a side note here…I don’t want you to be afraid to question things. Don’t be afraid to say, “You know what? Something doesn’t seem quite right here. I need more information. I need more context. I need to do some research or approach others who might have insights. I need to pray over it and bring it to Jesus. And in the meantime, this isn’t going to have a say in my value, or self-worth, or my life in general.”
- Being empowered means being aware, asking questions, and deciding what gets to have a say in your life. It’s not simply accepting what others tell us - even if it’s something that’s become widespread or commonplace in the Christian community.
- We all know how quickly a thought or idea can become accepted as truth. Or a standard. Or a norm. Even if it’s not true. It simply gets passed around - and before we know it, it’s shaping who we are and having a profound effect on our lives.
- But we’re empowered Jesus maidens, right? So it’s important that we question things. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t just accept it. Find out why. And if you need to, while you’re searching for those answers and seeking guidance from the Lord, set it aside until you have clarity.
- This is exactly what I did with Proverbs 31. Because I saw two things that didn’t add up with the way it was being communicated (as this checklist for women).
- The first contradiction was within Proverbs 31 itself. I’m going to read through it here in a minute. But essentially, there are two main parts or sections to Proverbs 31. The first one is talking about excessive drinking, the rights of the oppressed, and the needs of the poor. And then the second part is what’s considered this checklist for women.
- Now, Scripture does weave in and out of topics - but it does so in a way that makes sense. There’s an overlying message or big idea. But I couldn’t see one in this case. We’re talking about alcohol and the needs of the poor, and then moving into what a godly woman should be or do? There was just a sense of disconnect for me. So that was the first thing that didn’t add up.
- The second contradiction was between Proverbs 31 and the rest of the Bible. The Bible doesn’t contradict itself, right? So, for example, it’s not going to tell you that Jesus is Lord in one place and then say something different elsewhere. It doesn’t include contradictions.
- And throughout the Bible, starting in Genesis when God rests on the 7th day, it’s clearly communicated that God wants us to live and work from a place of rest. He’s not about hustling until you drop. Or being overworked until you're exhausted and run down. Or being weighed down with an impossible list of tasks - which is what Proverbs 31 has been essentially touted as.
- So I knew something was off about the way Proverbs 31 has been portrayed. And so I refused to receive it. And I stuck Proverbs 31 on a shelf because it made no sense.
- Well, fast forward to a week ago. I’m about to do some serious cooking on the weekend. And I’m like, “I haven’t listened to any Christian sermons or podcasts in a while. I should probably feed my soul as I work on some meals to feed my body.”
- So I grab my phone and open the podcast for Heart City Church, which is the church I’ve been plugging into here in Columbus. They take the sermon from each week and upload it to their podcast.
- So anyway, I’m scrolling through the list and found that way back in May, for Mother’s Day, Pastor Jake had done this interesting take on Proverbs 31. Well, that naturally caught my interest. So I hit play and within minutes I was having one of those extraordinary moments where your mind is blown - like the emoji - while pieces are falling into place at the same time.
- And I knew I was going to have to share that content on my podcast - because every woman needs to hear this truth. Because we’ve been living under the ridiculous weight of this unattainable Proverbs 31 woman for way too long. Whether you’re married or single… I don’t think any woman loves Proverbs 31. At least from that context of the checklist.
- In fact, the Sunday after listening to that message on the podcast, I went to the live Sunday service. And afterward, I approached Pastor Jake and thanked him for doing this message on Proverbs 31 - and sharing this life-altering truth.
- And he explained to me that he had been aware of husbands sharing Proverbs 31 with their wives, thinking to encourage them (so their intent wasn’t to hurt or discourage their wives)...but Pastor Jake noticed that the wives’ reactions were ones of discouragement. Their reaction was the opposite of positive.
- And in his words, he said, “The Bible is the most empowering book ever written. So if the reaction isn’t empowering…something is wrong.” Which I think is an amazingly powerful statement. And so that motivated him to go research Proverbs 31 and share what he found.
- But it was interesting because as he was sharing this with me…when he mentioned the part where the husbands shared Proverbs 31 with their wives to encourage them…I had a physical and emotional reaction of horror. Because, again, I don’t know if it’s the same for every lady listening to this…but I have never had anything but a negative or anxiety-connected reaction to the whole Proverbs 31 checklist concept.
- It does nothing but add additional stress to our gender who, on a daily basis, is facing sexism, misogyny, living in a country that still doesn’t offer things like childcare or enough paid time off for new mothers or other things to help us meet all of the demands we face. And for some of us, even the church we belong to adds to those expectations instead of supporting and empowering us. So when Pastor Jake mentioned the sharing of Proverbs 31, I had the internal reaction of someone watching a horror film.
- But enough intro - let’s dive into the meat of this. And a lot of what I’m going to share from this point forward in the episode is Pastor Jake’s exact words - which he has graciously given me full permission to use. So a huge thank you to Pastor Jake (and his wife Pastor Katie) of Heart City Church for allowing me to share this content!
- Alright, so let’s dive in!
Proverbs 31: The real Biblical context
- Here’s the actual context around Proverbs 31. It’s important that we set this up properly; and it’s also going to immediately change how we read this Scripture.
- So first, it’s important to note that King Solomon didn’t write all of the Proverbs. Most of the time, Proverbs 31 is read with that assumption - that it was written by Solomon. But some of the proverbs were actually written by other people - and Proverbs 31 is one of them.
- It was actually written by King Lemuel. Who’s King Lemuel? Well, we actually don’t know much about him because he wasn’t an Israelite king. He was actually a pagan king whose family came to fear the Lord.
- Now, King Lemuel didn’t write Proverbs 31 as a checklist for what a righteous or ideal Biblical woman should look like. King Lemuel wrote Proverbs 31 to record or recount what his mother taught him. So the context of the proverb is him writing down wisdom that King Lemuel’s mother gave to him - to help him prepare to be king.
- So, the point of Proverbs 31 is not to give women a checklist as to what a good Christian wife or woman looks like. It’s simply the king recounting the wisdom he received from his mother.
- So already, we’ve completely changed the meaning of Proverbs 31, right? There’s a major shift already happening in the truth behind this proverb. But there’s more to this story; let’s keep going.
Let’s look at the first section of Proverbs 31 - the first nine verses.

1 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him.

2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers!

3 Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.

4 It is not for kings, Lemuel—it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer,

5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.

6 Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish!

7 Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.

9 Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy

These first nine verses are King Lemuel’s mom giving him wisdom in regards to the kind of man and king he needs to be. And there’s four primary things that she’s teaching him here - and into the rest of Proverbs 31 - which we’ll dig into here in a minute.
Then we have verses 10-31, which are the verses that are often read as this crazy checklist:

10 A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

15 She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her female servants.

16 She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Ok, I don’t need to tell you that there’s a lot going on here! The first thing we need to note is that verses 10-31 are what’s called an acrostic poem. Which means that in the original Hebrew, each verse starts with the next letter in the Hebrew alphabet. So if this poem was originally written in English, for example, the first word in the first verse one would start with the letter “A.” Verse two would start “B” and so on.
It was written this way so that it was easy to remember. This is something his mom didn’t want him to forget as he grows as a man, and as a king, as someone who fears the Lord. Because she’s imparting wisdom in four key areas.

#1: The first thing that she teaches him is that even though things are permissible, doesn’t mean that it’s righteous. So in other words, just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
- In verse 3, she’s essentially saying, “As a king, it’s not good for you to give your strength away to women.” Now, to Pastor Jake’s point, sometimes women get a bad rap in Scripture because we don’t read it with the proper context. And what happens is that we put pressure on women and their sexuality.
- So this verse has often been read as if there’s these women out there trying to take away - or steal - a man’s strength.
- That’s not the meaning here at all. What’s actually happening is that this mother is standing between her son - who will be king - and the culture that he’s in … which gives him permission to have multiple wives, or sleep with concubines, or just generally be promiscuous. And, on top of that, receive little, if any, confrontation about it because he’s king. Right? No one is going to tell him “no.”
- So his mom is stepping in and saying just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should.
- This verse is not saying that women take away men’s strength. That they just sap them dry. This is a mother imparting wisdom to her son. Because she knows that when he becomes king, there are a lot of temptations and things he could partake in that aren’t wise or righteous or beneficial. And so she’s imparting that wisdom. I would even venture to say as an empowered woman who fears the Lord, she’s speaking to her son about some very real, tough subjects. For his benefit and the benefit of everyone he’s going to rule. Because the type of man that he is directly affects everything that he is ruling over.
- And she doesn’t just talk about promiscuity; she goes on to talk about drinking in excess. She tells him that he’ll forget those in need. Say stupid things. Become self-absorbed. Not be a voice for those who don’t have a voice. She’s covering the full gamut here.
- She’s being a Godly, empowered mother. In a way that, ironically, is not following anyone’s checklist. She’s got her own checklist of important things she needs to tell her son, the future king, and she’s doing it in a really amazing way - that made it into the Bible! (Talking about flipping things on its head, friend!)
- #2: She teaches him to live from the greatness of his calling.
  - This was another great point of Pastor Jake’s message. She speaks to his calling as king, and teaches him to think and live from his calling. (Not the culture!) From his calling. To walk under the weight of the responsibility that comes with his true identity. And his true identity, if he fears the Lord, is found in God.
  - She’s helping to cultivate and steward the call of her child. Again, that’s an empowering thing for a woman to do! She’s helping him to make decisions and protect his true calling.
- #3: She’s teaching him what to value and desire.
  - Now, a note here, she’s not trying to control; she’s going after the value system of his heart. “It’s not good for you to desire strong drink…” She’s shining light on the heart issue; that he needs to have his heart in the right place.
  - And this is what leads into the rest of Proverbs 31 - what’s been touted as a checklist for women. The description of the Proverbs 31 woman isn’t a checklist for what a woman needs to be or do to be valuable - it is a description of what is meant to be desired and valued in a woman.
  - Can we just sit here for a second because that is a very powerful statement. Think about how that just flipped everything on its head, essentially. The description of the Proverbs 31 woman isn’t a checklist for what a woman needs to be or do to be valuable - it is a description of what is meant to be desired and valued in a woman.
  - The responsibility (as it’s presented here) is not with the woman - in having to live up to this impossible list of tasks and expectations. The responsibility is with the man to choose a woman with qualities such as these.
  - That changes a lot about Proverbs 31, doesn’t it? A lot.
  - King Lemuel’s mother is teaching her son how to be a good husband and father; not teaching women to be good women.
  - She’s teaching her son what to value and desire in a woman…and she’s elevating the rule of mother and wife in his eyes.
  - The big idea that’s being conveyed here is, “Hey, son. You’re going to be king. Therefore, you need a partner who knows how to take care of herself; a partner that has ingenuity and intelligence. Who’s more than just a pretty face.”
  - So she goes on to describe these qualities. Such as a woman who has vision, and is smart, and has the drive to have her own business or be what we could consider entrepreneurial. A woman who has a lot to offer both inside and out.
  - His mom is saying, “Look. These are the values and characteristics that you should be looking for and celebrating in a woman.”
  - And the celebration point is key here. Because as king, he’s going to have the opportunity or ability to only celebrate what satisfies him. A king is in a position where he can put himself completely first if he chooses to. So his mom is specifically highlighting things that have nothing to do with him - but celebrates her. His future wife should embody some of these qualities - qualities he should celebrate.
  - But if we read this as a checklist, it’s not a statement of things to celebrate in a woman - but a ridiculous burden for women to bear. It’s another impossible hill in our lives, especially in this country - at this point in time - when we often feel surrounded by impossible hills. There’s so many things to do; we’re told on so many fronts how we need to look and who we need to be…I know I don’t need to go into this in-depth. Every woman listening to this knows what I’m talking about.
  - What his mother is actually doing here is stripping away the materialism around him and pointing to the deep character that he needs in a partner. Everything that is mentioned in the poem has to do with her character, faithfulness, resourcefulness, and dedication. Again, she’s standing between him and the culture. And on top of that, she’s saying, “Son, you need to celebrate her.”

Again, in verses 28-31 it says: