Are you ready to take a giant step towards leaving people pleasing behind?
And blooming into someone who is perfectly comfortable saying "no"? Or who no longer has such a strong emotional need to please others at the expense of herself? Or God's specific calling on her life?
If your answer is "yes," then sister, have I got an episode for you!
Because, as someone who has walked this life altering journey herself, I can tell you with absolute assuredness that it all starts with one very important step.
Join me as I reveal what that step is; why it's so vital; and how it will set you up for rapid progress in leaving people pleasing behind!
Show Notes:
Intro
Welcome, friend. I hope this episode finds you well - especially as we’re about to dive into a sensitive topic. I know from personal experience that breaking out of the people pleasing routine can be difficult. Not impossible - because as Phillipians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Or there’s also Luke 1:37: “For nothing will be impossible with God.”
So people pleasing isn’t impossible to stop - even though it might currently feel like it. It is a process; it likely won’t be an instantaneous fix. But I can say with certainty - having gone through the process myself - that it can be broken. Because the reality is that people pleasing often stems from underlying issues that point to something that needs to be healed or realigned in the right way.
And the primary, foundational step that I’m going to share with you today will set you up for success for all of those things - and more.
But first, I want to ensure that you’re going to get the most from this episode. So let’s take a brief look at the definition of a people pleaser. Because when I break down this primary step, and the reasons why it’s so important, I want you to be able to really see why. Meaning, I want you to have a direct comparison between the two. And you’ll see what I mean as we move along.
So what makes up a people pleaser?
Merriam-Webster defines a people pleaser as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.”
I like this definition because there’s two parts to this - and the second part is vital. It’s not just about having a need to please other people…it’s about doing so at the expense of your own needs and desires. And as Christian women, I would also add that it's at the expense of God’s plans or desires for us.
Because if we’re focusing on pleasing others…we’re not placing God first. We’re not focused on pleasing Him above everyone else.
And it’s possible to do that without even realizing it. Because we’re caught up in the impulses, tendencies, and wiring that we’ve cultivated or participated in for so long. Things like:
Wanting to agree with everyone else
Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings
Being uncomfortable when someone gets angry or has a negative reaction to something you’ve said or done
Wanting to avoid conflict
Finding yourself unable to say “no” which often results in taking on things that you shouldn’t be doing or aren’t called to do
Not being able to set healthy boundaries
Not being honest with yourself (or others) about your feelings, needs, or desires
Allowing yourself to be too in tune with other people’s emotions. (This can also be coupled with being a highly empathic, encouraging person. Which isn’t bad unto itself; it can just make it harder to set healthy boundaries.)
And, again, these things can develop for a variety of reasons. If you’ve been in a toxic relationship, for example, you may have learned how to cater to your partner out of survival.
But now that you’re moving forward, you need to widen your perspective.
Everything that you’re struggling with and feeling is important - especially in regard to the list I just shared.
However, if we go back to the Scriptures I mentioned earlier, your help is upward, right? Your help is Jesus. Your help is God. And so if you want to start transforming from a people pleaser into an empowered woman, the first thing you need to do is widen your gaze from those challenges or impulses that you don’t know how to stop…onto God and Jesus. (And the Holy Spirit - just so we’re not leaving Him out. Because he’s your comforter, right?)
Also, most (if not all) of the items on that list come down to things like:
Finding your self-worth in others - instead of God
Finding your identity in others - instead of God
Following the desires and calling of others - instead of the ones God has specifically for you.
Giving other people authority in your life - instead of respecting God’s authority and claiming your own authority in Him
Putting yourself last in an unhealthy way - when God never calls us to do that
This is why…
The #1 choice you must make, as a first step in moving away from being a people pleaser, is to actively decide to please God first and foremost
Now, I want to caveat this by saying that it’s not all up to you. Meaning, just because you make this big decision, to change your focus, doesn’t mean Jesus or God won’t be there to help you through it. Because this will also be a daily process. There’s making the choice to change your focus; and then there’s the multiple decisions a day to keep that focus; coupled with God healing and transformation of you - done in the only way He can
But you have to set the foundation; you have to change your focus. God can’t teach you to drive a car forwards if you’re looking backwards and focused on driving in reverse. You have to change your perspective so you (and God) can then focus on your transformation…and your daily actions and choices.
You need to be correctly aligned with God before He can get in there and really do some work.
The other caveat I will add here is that there is no room for guilt. If you continually feel guilt and shame for being a people pleaser, and not being able to break free from that, I want you to pause this episode and give it to Jesus right now. Because (as Scripture tells us) guilt and shame are not from God. It can be from the Enemy, or it can be something we engage in ourselves, but it’s not from God.
And remember, this is coming from someone who has walked the journey of people pleaser to empowered woman herself. (Not that I’m 100% perfect at it.) I had an abusive childhood and an abusive marriage. And I’m highly empathic and am wired as an extreme encourager. So it’s no surprise that I ended up as a people pleaser; life had the right cocktail mix to create that Jenn. But it’s not something I need to be ashamed of or feel guilty for. That doesn’t do anything but impede the progress God wants to make.
He knows exactly what your challenges are and where you’ve come from. And His only interest is helping you grow and heal and learn healthy boundaries…He has no interest in guilt and shame. So don’t let that exist. If it pops up, give it to the Lord. Even if it has to be a daily exercise. And it might end up a daily exercise because moving away from being a people pleaser is a foundational step in becoming an empowered Jesus maiden…and Satan doesn’t want that. Meaning, he might try to use guilt and shame as a way to get you to stop trying.
But let’s focus on what God wants. And why changing your focus, and deciding to please God above everyone else, is setting you up for success in several ways.
1) God has your best interests at heart.
Proverbs 29:25 says: “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.”
Now, this doesn’t mean that every person who asks something of you has ill or selfish intentions. But when people pleasers say “yes” to everyone, they can become a target for people who have ill intentions. Either people who tend to operate from a self-centered place, or abusive or manipulative people, or narcissistic people…they can see a people pleaser as someone they can use or kind of run over.
God, however, does not operate from that place. Part of John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son.” Someone who sends His only, dearly beloved son into human history to die a brutal death in order to bring reconciliation…and whose Son we can talk to and lean on and who loves being a part of our lives…isn’t going to have ill intentions toward us. (Though Satan would love for us to think otherwise.)
So by aiming to please God over everyone else, it not only creates a safe environment for you…it also allows you to reset. Because you need to stop saying “yes” to people with less than stellar intentions, right? Or just stop saying “yes” all of the time.
And a fundamental way to accomplish that - to start making that shift - is to start saying “yes” to the Someone who has only your best interests at heart. This shifts your behavior at a high level - but also allows you to start experiencing that healthy relationship.
Which can be especially key if you haven’t had a lot of healthy relationships in your life. You can start to experience what that looks like - and start to compare it with the types of other relationships you’ve had. This gives you a clearer perspective and provides additional motivation as you walk with God through this process.
2) Your value and identity comes first and foremost from God - not from others.
This is a particularly critical lesson or shift if you’ve come from toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationships. Or, if you’ve just lost touch of your identity and who you are.
As women, it can be especially challenging to keep our identity centered in God. We’re pulled in so many directions, and culture loves to tell us that our identity should come from who we’re married to, how much we weigh, etc. Plus, if you come from a toxic relationship, who you are can easily get lost. So instead of our identity being rooted in the truth of being a child of God, the Daughter of the King, it becomes rooted in things of this world. And as a people pleaser, that can include the wants and desires of others; or how others feel about us or what they think about us.
However, by choosing to approach life through the checkpoint of pleasing God above all others, you’re also re-centering yourself in the truth of your identity. You’re recognizing, and standing on, the truth that you’re a Child of God and a follower of Christ. Versus a child of the world or a follower of the world. And aligning with that truth will help the process of transformation. Which ties into my next two points…
3) Your priorities will start to shift - along with how and where you apply your time, energy, resources, etc.
Remember how I said that moving away from people pleasing is a daily process? This is where things start to drill down into that level a bit more.
Because when you switch your focus to pleasing God - who provides a safe relationship and only has your best interests at heart - and you start realigning your identity with God, then that naturally starts to impact how you see or approach your daily decisions.
In other words, when someone asks you to help with a project, for example, the first thing you should ask yourself is, “Does this align with who I am called to be?” And I mean more than just a Christian here. Because, to be frank, a lot of churches have really good at using the whole “it’s the Christian thing to do” in order to guilt people into volunteering for things when either (a) they don’t have the capacity for it, or (b) it doesn’t align with what God is calling them to do in that season. Or in general.
So it’s not just about whether the project or activity falls into what a Christian would do. It’s about what God is calling you to do in that season. Despite how much other people want you to participate in it; or no matter how strongly they feel.
Listen, part of growing into an empowered woman in Christ is learning to say “no.” And this, again, goes against the greater culture where we’re raised to say “yes” until we’re exhausted. An empowered woman in Christ is about following where Jesus is leading her. That’s her focus. He’s got a specific calling and mission for her life, or for that season, that spills over to specific people that He wants to impact.
Jesus has the bigger picture; and God has the ultimate picture. They direct your steps. Not others - despite their best intentions. (Again, not everyone who asks us for something has ill intentions.)
So to bring this back to your daily decision-making. When you’re faced with a request or opportunity, start making it the routine to ask yourself:
Do I have the capacity? (Meaning the time and energy.)
Does this align with where God is calling you in this current season? (Or is it going to distract you or keep you from it?)
Like with any new habit, it will take some time to establish to the point where you just do it. So give yourself some grace.
And obviously, it will also be an adjustment to start saying “no.” (But remember you’re not alone in this. Lean into Jesus’ strength.) But this will really help you to start switching gears from people pleaser to empowered woman.
Which brings me to my final point…
4) God has the roadmap of where He wants to take you - and who and what needs to be a part of that (and who and what doesn’t)
We’ve already touched on this a little bit, but we need to widen our perspective even further.
Galatians 1:10 says: “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Ephesians 6:6 says: “Not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart.”
There’s something I want to drive home here with this point. And that is: our hearts can’t be primarily about serving God and saying “yes” to everyone at the same time, right?
Of course, we’re called to serve (or help) other people. That’s a fundamental part of being a Christian. But who we serve, and how we serve them, comes back to God’s specifically calling for us. And discovering and owning that calling is also part of becoming a Jesus empowered woman.
I’m not saying you need to discover that calling today. But you want to make progress towards that, right? Well, it just so happens that part of realigning yourself with God, over what others want, means you’re taking a huge step towards that goal.
Because it’s not just about learning to say “no” and set healthy boundaries. It also needs to be about leaning on Jesus to show you who should be on that journey with you - and who shouldn’t.
Sometimes we allow people into our lives - or allow them to have a certain level of relationship or access into our lives - that isn’t healthy. Or aligned with where God wants to take us. They could even be holding us back.
As a people pleaser, the mere idea of no longer engaging with someone can seem impossible. That’s like the ultimate “no.” But that’s what setting healthy boundaries, and keeping your focus on God, is all about.
It can also help to think of it like this… God has a specific calling on your life to help a specific group of people. Those people are the ones that you need to say “yes” to. Not in a way where you ignore healthy boundaries. But in a way where you’re choosing to focus on God’s bigger picture - which includes them - versus the smaller picture others would have you engage in. Or that you’ve been focusing on.
God is patiently and lovingly working on you in part so that you can help the specific people that He’s chosen for you to help. Just thinking about that is hugely empowering, right?
And a great motivator to keep at it on a daily basis…as you work on not immediately saying “yes” or letting yourself get roped too much into what other people are thinking or feeling…and instead taking time to think about it before giving a response. And if needed, saying “no.” Including saying “no” to yourself when you start to worry too much about what someone thinks, or how they reacted to you, etc.
Listen, in order to grow into the person we’re called to be…and to serve the people God is calling us to serve…we need to learn to say a bunch of little “no”s before we’re ready to say “yes” to something bigger.
It might not feel like it right now, but you are meant to be a Jesus empowered maiden. Young or older. Single or married. Kids or no kids. You were created to make a big impact, via God’s plan and His grace. Big things await you. Stay focused on that no matter how unattainable or scary it feels right now. We serve a God who makes the impossible possible - and who can completely transform us into someone we never thought we could be.
Look up. Keep your gaze heavenward. Keep your perspective wide - not narrow. And everyday, choose to focus on God, and what He has for you, and His unconditional acceptance and love for you, over that of everyone else.