Do you constantly compare yourself to others? Does your confidence suffer because of it?
Do you want to break free starting TODAY?
Comparison is a struggle for every woman - but it’s particularly problematic for a Christian woman. When your sense of self-worth is rooted in comparison, you severely limit your growth - and your impact in the Kingdom.
Join me as I share 4 highly effective counter tactics that will help you break the negative cycle of comparison - and boost your confidence instead!
Show Notes:
Intro
Friend, comparison can be such a tricky beast. It’s a daily struggle for women in general. But for us Christian women, it can be especially detrimental. And yet I don’t think it’s something we talk about enough.
Because if we’re so focused on measuring ourselves against others, we’re not focused on where God wants to take us. Or how He wants to transform us. Or how much He loves us for who we are - or how He created us to be different.
Which, subsequently, means that we’re not going to be aligned with the specific calling God has for us. Instead, we’re going to miss out. And the people we’re meant to serve will miss out. And that’s not the place we want to be in, right?
But the struggle is hard. Let’s just be honest. And it’s not even just about comparing your beauty to another woman's; or comparing your weight to another woman’s. You know, those things that are more external.
It can also be about comparing your God-given calling or dream to that of another woman’s…and seeing yours as less than. Less important. Less successful. Less impactful. Just less than. Which, as a result, essentially means you’re no longer trusting God and His plan for you.
Comparison can also be about not feeling as if you can make it; or rise up to another level (even with God’s help); or have a different kind of life. And when I say “different kind of life” I mean what if you’re coming from a toxic relationship or a marriage that ended badly…and you just feel like all these other women have it together in a way that you never will?
Which is a lie from the Enemy; let's be real. God is 100% in the business of transforming His daughters into the women they are meant to be - and never thought they could become. There’s a reason why my business is called Relate Escape and the tagline is “to Jesus.” Those were commanded by God, by the way. Because He wants you to break free from all of the things that are holding you back and turn to Him. Because when you turn to Him, and trust in Him, that’s when the transformation begins. And continues for your entire life as long as you stay focused and in relationship with Him.
But when we allow comparison to essentially take the place of Jesus, we have a problem. I really, truly believe that the Enemy loves to use comparison to throw Christian women off track. One, because we can slip into it so easily - without even realizing it. (Especially in our modern world; and I’ll go into that more in a minute.) And, two, because it can cause all sorts of havoc and unalignment from Jesus.
So today, I’m going to arm you with four practical counter tactics - that you can implement starting today - to kill the comparison tendencies. And as a result, get you realigned with Jesus and your confidence back to where it needs to be.
1) Severely limit your time on social media
This tactic might not be something you were expecting. (Or maybe it was.) But this one is so vital that I’m putting it at the top of the list.
And I don’t think it’s just at the top of my list. From certain places that I’m plugged into, I’m seeing God specifically tell His daughters to get off social media. Including Christian entrepreneurs. Why? Because while there are some positive things about social media, there are many negative ones. Ones that have a huge impact.
And comparison is one of them.
I’m not a psychologist or brain expert. But common sense tells me that humans were not created to interact with - or witness the lives of - hundreds of people on a consistent, daily basis. We were created for deep relationships; not to take in computer-sized loads of data to dictate our lives and decisions and sense of self-worth.
Especially when that data (i.e. people’s posts) are offered up through a lens of fake perfection.
On top of which, we need to remember that social media is physically addictive.
Put all of this together, and we’re essentially choosing to addict ourselves to an endless stream of data of what hundreds of other people are doing. (With our feeds including a large amount of people that we don’t even know.) And then allowing that data to affect very important aspects of our being and lives.
To state this another way: we’re essentially giving authority over our lives to people we barely know. And that includes spending several hours a week scrolling through our feeds, taking in these perceptions put out there by others, and then comparing ourselves to them.
I got off social media in mid 2020 and I do not miss it one bit. The only time I open Facebook - which is no longer on my phone - is if I need to quickly see where the next monthly women’s event is for my church. Otherwise, the only platform I use is Pinterest - which I use to promote my podcast episodes. And I schedule those pins through Tailwind.
Being off social has freed me from a lot of things - including the endless bombardment of what everyone else is doing; how they look; what they advise or believe; and the level of success they’re portraying in their life (whether personal or professional).
Most of the people I was following on Facebook and Instagram were people that I didn’t even know. Maybe I met them at a conference or started following them online for one reason or another. But we didn’t truly know each other. Yet I was allowing them (simply by their presence on social media) to have this huge say in my mindset, choices, and life. Including when it came to my confidence.
But now that I’m off social media…it frees me to focus on God. On the specific calling He has for me - and the specific things He’s calling me to do in this season. It’s not about what everyone else is doing. My head is no longer full of ideas that don’t belong there. Instead, it’s focused on where it needs to be - following Jesus.
Being off social media also allows me to appreciate my own uniqueness more. God didn’t create women to all be the same cookie-cutter version - no matter what culture tries to tell us. And now, instead of looking at myself through the lens of other people’s lives…now I look at myself through the lens of the God who created me.
That’s a huge difference.
So, friend, I highly encourage you to get off social media as much as possible. Culture has brainwashed us into thinking that it’s a necessary part of life. I’m telling you - and God is telling you - that it’s not.
And if you want a way to stay in touch with friends and family, consider apps like Voxer or Marco Polo - ones that allow you to directly connect to someone without getting sucked into an endless feed.
Spend more time connecting with the people you actually know…who can help you build your confidence and support your God-given dreams. And stop wasting hours taking in the lives of others (people you probably don’t even know well) and comparing yourselves to them.
Trust me. It will change your life for the better in so many ways!
2) Remind yourself of your true identity as a Daughter of the King and follower of Christ
This is a great comparison killer. Why? Because when you focus on who you belong to - which should be the foundation of your identity - it gets you aligned with what that means.
I know I sound a bit cryptic so let me explain. You’re a follower of Christ, right? That’s what it means to be a Christian. If you keep your identity rooted in that on a daily basis, it aligns you with important aspects of that such as:
Your goal is to follow Jesus - not the world. (Because you can’t do both.)
Your confidence comes from the unconditional love of your Heavenly Father and the steadfast presence of Jesus. (Not from how you see yourself compared to others.)
Your heart is naturally geared towards helping others. (And constant comparison can quickly turn into being self-absorbed or, at the very least, distracted.)
God does not focus on our perceived shortcomings. He focuses on what’s best for us and making us more like Jesus. (Not like other women that we think are better than us.)
Neither God nor Jesus ever aim to make us feel “less than.” That can come from the Enemy; from other people; and from things we do ourselves such as go down the rabbit hole of comparison.
Because once you start, it’s hard to stop. Because suddenly your identity - who you are - is wrapped up in all these ways that you’re believing that you don’t measure up in.
To break that cycle, that mindset, put on the brakes and remind yourself that your identity is rooted in who you belong to - aka God - and His character and desires for you.
Put some verses on Post-Its and stick them to your bathroom mirror or desk if you need to. Instead of spending time on social media, which you need to get away from, spend time in the Word instead. Get your confidence from the ultimate Truth and the One who created you.
Get back to seeing your identity through your God - and His son that died for you - rather than through comparisons with other people. It’s how you measure up in God’s eyes that matters. (And in case you’ve forgotten, He loves you way more than our earthly minds can imagine.)
3) Root out - and combat - any negative self talk
This may seem like I just completely switched topics, but here’s the thing. When we’re comparing ourselves to others, especially when we’re doing it on a consistent basis, that can result in increased negative or deprecating self talk.
Because when we think or believe that we’re “less than” someone else (or a group of people) we then begin talking down to ourselves.
We think things like:
I’m not doing enough.
I’m never going to succeed.
I’ll never be that pretty.
I’ll never be that thin or get the weight off.
I can’t get it together like she can.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not strong enough.
Why can she (or they) do it, but I can’t?
I won’t ever do X/Y/Z as well as she does.
We end up creating this endless spiral of putting ourselves down. Not only does that significantly decrease your confidence, but it also takes your focus away from the many blessings that you have - and what God is doing in your life.
It also perpetuates the cycle. You compare yourself to others; find yourself wanting; talk negatively to yourself about yourself; and get fixated on the perceived disparity…which then makes you focus on the comparison even more. And the cycle just keeps going.
So in addition to limiting the comparison opportunities (such as getting off social media) and aligning yourself with your true identity (in the unconditional love of God and Jesus) … combat the effects of endless comparison by turning that negative self talk around.
First, recognize it. And second, make a point of talking positively about yourself - to yourself. What aspects do you love about yourself? What do other people love about you? What areas has God been working in to heal and transform you? What does the Bible say about you? And about how much God loves you for you?
This helps to not only boost your confidence but break the toxic cycle from the other end. If you’re filling your confidence bucket in a healthy way, you’re on a much more solid foundation.
Plus, it brings truth to the foreground again. Such as: God didn’t create you to measure up to everyone else. He loves you just the way you are. Of course, you should have goals and dreams. But don’t let a perceived (and the key word here is “perceived”) deficiency twist the truth about who you are - and the impact you make right here, right now.
Don’t let negative self talk perpetuate that cycle of comparison.
4) Pray for those that you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to; are jealous of; etc.
Sometimes - not always, but sometimes - we get ourselves into that comparison cycle because we’re envious or jealous of others. Or someone in particular. And we fixate on it by constantly comparing ourselves to them (or her).
As a side note here…just a little FYI…this is another reason why getting off social media can only improve your life. Because if you’re in the state I just described, where you’re fixated on someone or something, the last thing you need is an endless feed or profile full of comparison fodder. Delivered in a manner that our brains actually get addicted to! (Meaning, the social platform that you’re on like Facebook.)
Get off social media as much as you can! Trust me, it will be a huge game changer across your whole life - not just this.
But in addition to that…I want you to pray for the person you’re comparing yourself to on a consistent basis. Especially if you’ve found yourself in a place where you’re fixated on them a bit too much.
This is going to help you break out of that fixation or cycle. Because praying for someone means that you’re asking for good things for them. Which is the opposite of thinking negative thoughts about them or coveting something from their life.
Also, suddenly it’s not about the comparison but about someone’s well-being. It’s about you letting the Holy Spirit direct you as you pray, rather than letting a toxic cycle or addictive platform direct your life. Know what I mean?
It also widens your perspective. Because things aren’t always as wonderful as they seem. Take our frenemy the social media platform again. When people share (ourselves included) we can cultivate a version that’s quote/unquote better. Photo filters. Perfecting what we want to say. Curating a profile and feed that projects a life that’s a bit more perfect than real life.
And behind those profiles, people are hurting. (Maybe they’re even sharing that, if they’re someone with authenticity.) Some people don’t know God. Don’t know Jesus. Don’t know what a free life looks like. What it means to be an empowered woman in Jesus.
Back before I got off social, I used to follow these six or seven figure entrepreneurs who weren’t Christians. Life for some of them is all about making more money, owning more things, acquiring more prestidge…things of this world, essentially.
I used to envy how thin the women were. How well they could carry off stylish clothes. How successful they were. How much money they made. … But that was before God brought me back into His fold after I had drifted from Him.
Once He brought me back into alignment…once my identity was rooted in Him again…I wasn’t jealous anymore. One, because in that realignment with God I no longer saw myself as “less than.” I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be. And, two, because I then felt sad for them. They’re missing out on a lot of things. A lot of things.
Instead of wanting to compare myself to them, I’m more inclined to pray for them. Because without Jesus, the Enemy is just taking them for a ride that leads nowhere. All the stylish outfits and Beverly Hills mansions won’t make up for that.
So, all that to say, pray for those that you’re comparing yourselves to. It will completely change the tables on the issue. And who knows, you might be the only person they have praying for them. You can break your own cycle and love on someone else at the same time.
Now that’s a Jesus empowered woman!