In 2011, my toxic marriage of almost a decade came to an end. I walked away with a degree (but no job); a few thousand dollars; and whatever possessions fit into my CR-V.
God was with me - make no mistake. But with my life suddenly in tatters, I couldn't help wondering: What do I do now? How can I possibly rebuild my life? Not just when it comes to a job, income, and a place to live - but as someone who has lost herself in a long term, toxic relationship? How do I go from such a dark place to building a life of hope and strength?
Sister, if you're in a similar situation, listen up! Because I'm about to equip you with three pillars that will help answer those very questions.
Show Notes:
Intro
Hey, friend. Do you know what I think is amazing? How powerful our stories are. I know that back in 2011, my focus was on figuring out what my life looked like after suddenly getting divorced - and having to start life over in my early 30s from square one.
It was not on how God could use my story to help other women. I mean, if you told 2011 Jenn that she would someday start a podcast - and a business - through which she’d share various parts of her story…she would probably laugh in your face.
Back then, I honestly didn’t believe that I could get a full-time web design job. That’s how low my self-esteem and confidence was. (And probably also my faith in God in that area - until He later proved me wrong.) So the idea of a podcast? Or a calling from God to help other women like myself? My mind would have exploded.
But that’s how God works. He’s the Master Builder - and He doesn’t need much. In 2011, I was not what one would consider solid building material. I was coming out of a 9.5 year toxic marriage - which had been preceded by an abusive childhood. (And some not-so-great years in-between.)
There was a lot about God, and myself, that I needed to learn for the first time. And there were areas that God needed to develop.
And now, over 10 years later, I’m a much different person. I’m not perfect; and I’ve made some pretty big mistakes along the way. But God has been faithful in bringing me back to Him and continuing to build a life full of strength and hope.
So where did it start? With 3 foundational pillars - which I’m going to share with you today so that, unlike me, you’re equipped at the get-go. (Which is one of the advantages from learning from someone who has gone before, right? I certainly didn’t recognize these pillars at the time.)
1) Be open to whatever God has in store for you
One of the things we can grapple with coming out of a toxic relationship is why our prayers weren’t answered. Or how this massive life change could be happening in the first place.
I got Saved two years into my marriage and, even though my ex-husband never engaged with my Church or my faith, I always believed that he would come to know Jesus. Even at the end when everything started to fall apart.
And I could see Jesus reaching out to my ex-husband in numerous ways, so I just kept assuming there would be this massive breakthrough. But that’s not what happened. God gave my ex-husband the chance to choose Him - and keep me at the same time…and my ex-husband essentially thumbed his nose at God.
So suddenly, there I was starting my life over completely. No job. Only a little bit of money. Whatever I could fit into my car - including my former dog. And moving back in with my mother whom I didn’t have the greatest relationship with (and who later essentially threw me out).
I remember sitting on my mother’s porch not long after I moved in, reading my Bible, and just feeling shell-shocked. As if I had just gotten pulled out of a movie into the quote/unquote “real world.” Or as if I had just been pulled out of one universe into another.
I kept thinking to myself…how did I get here? Did I miss something? I felt like I was going backwards in life - having moved back in with my mom in my childhood home.
God was totally with me, don’t get me wrong. He supernaturally sustained me in numerous ways - which I’ve talked about in other episodes. But my brain and my emotions still needed some time to process everything.
And in that particular moment, I had no idea how I was going to make a living - let alone build a new life. Even though, not long after I moved in with my mom, Jesus specifically placed Jeremiah 29:11 before me: “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”
Bear in mind, I only have a few thousand dollars to my name. No job. (And the belief that I wasn’t good enough to get a full-time web design job.) No plan. Not a whole lot of possessions - and half of what I did own was still packed away in plastic bins in my mother’s basement because there wasn’t room to unpack them.
And it’s in this situation that Jesus told me that He has a future for me; that I have hope in Him.
Sounds slightly crazy, right? But my circumstances didn’t dictate my future or my hope - my God did. (And still does.) Because our God is way bigger than any situation we find ourselves in. And this is also how He shows His glory.
Now, there was a lot of work to be done in the years that followed this moment on my mother’s porch. Wounds that needed to be healed. Lessons that needed to be learned about God’s character; who I am (and who He created me to be); how to do things like set healthy boundaries; etc.
I had no idea - at that point in time - how much work Jesus had in store for me. (All of it good.) But I didn’t need to see it. (How could I anyway, right?)
I did, however, need to be open to whatever God had in store for me - one step at a time. I had to trust in the One who can see the whole plan.
2) Reconnect with - and explore - who you are at a deeper level
What do I mean by this? Well, I’m talking about two things here.
One, when we’re in a toxic relationship, we tend to lose touch of who we are. We end up hiding (or burying) parts of ourselves in order to survive or to be safe. Or, we unintentionally allow ourselves to become more like our partner (or how our partner wants us to be) in order to make him happy and keep the peace.
In doing so, we end up losing touch with who we are. Our personality, passions, hobbies, how we love to serve others, etc.
Two, we also don’t focus on developing ourselves. Things like discovering our God given calling or dream - or growing our spiritual gifts - are not a priority.
And of course, this is all on top of coming out of a relationship where you were likely belittled, put down, abused, held back, and/or manipulated.
All that to say, now is the time to put yourself first again - in a totally healthy way. There’s nothing healthier than getting in touch with the woman God created you to be - and chasing after new growth. And new discoveries. And where God wants to take you next.
Listen, if you don’t know who you are…you’re not set-up for healthy success. Daily choices, boundary making, and recognizing if something is actually from God is partly dependent on knowing who you are as a Christian - and who you are as the woman God created you to be.
So the more you learn about yourself, with His help, the more you’re going to re-align with God and become comfortable in who you are at the same time. Because you’ll know who you are.
It’s also just refreshing and empowering to get back to what brings you joy…and to be yourself without someone trying to squelch that on a daily basis.
This was a large part of the early work that God did in me - in the years that followed moving in with my mother.
It helps in your healing in a big way, too. Coming out of a toxic relationship can feel like you’ve been on some crazy amusement park ride - without even realizing the extent or damage of it until you’re no longer on it.
But taking back who you are - who God created you to be - and even going deeper than you ever have before…that greatly helps to restore your equilibrium. And sanity. And joy.
3) Give yourself plenty of grace
This sounds cliche - but it’s actually important in several key ways.
First, coming out of a toxic relationship, and/or being in a place where you’re starting over or building a new life, can feel daunting at times. Even as you’re learning to lean into the Lord and be carried on His strength.
It can feel like this insurmountable mountain. And if you’re comparing your life heavily to others, you might be tempted to believe that you’re never to have the kind of life that they do. (Which is why I’ve focused on combating comparison in several episodes.)
Because the truth is - God has a plan for you, remember? He’s your hope. And He has a future for you. Going back to my story, I never thought back in 2011 that I could be someone like I am today. But God got me there.
It’s a journey - so give yourself grace. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself in terms of suddenly being a specific way that it ends up working against what God wants to do.
Second, give yourself grace in regards to time. There’s no such thing as moving too slow. God knows exactly what pace you need; what things need to be healed; what needs to be built up; what needs to be removed; and the most loving and effective way to do so.
In other words, as long as you’re tuned into what He’s doing and where He’s leading, you’re right on schedule. God’s goal is to build you - and your life - up in a way that lasts. (And withstands any storms that come your way.) He’s not ought to beat someone else’s timeline. Nor is He ever late.
So give yourself grace when it comes to how long things take. The only schedule you need to worry about is His. And personally, I’ve found through my own walk that when you work with His timeline, even when it feels longer than you’d like, the fruit that results is much more plentiful. ‘Cause you followed the plans of the Master Builder versus your own.
Third, give yourself grace when it comes to the past. I know that the longer I was out of my toxic marriage, the more I would look back at certain choices or events - including things that my ex-husband did - and recognize them for what they were for the first time. I had more clarity since I was out of the situation. And sometimes, I felt foolish for either not seeing how I had been manipulated - or for a decision I had made about something, etc.
It’s really easy, as humans, to get caught up in a cycle of beating ourselves up over past mistakes, sin, or choices. But that doesn’t serve us in any positive way. It’s also not what God wants.
So forgive yourself rather than beating yourself up. We’ve all done things that we later regret - but we can’t go back and change them. What we can do, however, is decide how to move forward.
Move forward by forgiving yourself. And giving yourself the same grace that God gives you. Meaning, He doesn’t beat you up over past mistakes or sin. Instead, He focuses on today and the future - and the good things to come for both.
Wrap-up
Friend, no matter where you are right now, or how crazy life seems, I just want to really drill home that you have a God-given purpose. You have so much to give, and do, and be.
There is a life of strength and hope - both internally and externally - and it starts today. With these three pillars that we’ve touched on here today. But more importantly, with a God that dearly loves you - and will take you to places you can’t imagine. You just need to follow Him step-by-step. I’m living proof of that.