Do you want to increase your confidence? Are you tired of feeling frozen in uncertainty and want to make decisions with surety instead?
Believe it or not, I used to have very little confidence. I didn't trust myself to make the right decisions - or deal with the outcome - and I was constantly worried about making the "right choice."
But sister, we can't be empowered Christian women if we don't have confidence! And guess what? God wants to help you grow in this area! Which is why in today's episode, I'm going to reveal exactly what God did to up-level my confidence - plus arm you with practical, daily tips to help you grow as well.
Grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, and prepare for progress!
Show Notes:
Intro
When I think back to who I was ten years ago, even five years ago, and compare that Jenn to who I am today…I can’t believe the difference. I really, truly had little to no confidence. And right alongside that, I had little or no self-esteem.
I had experienced an abusive childhood where my father was very emotionally abusive. Constantly putting me down. Telling me that I was ugly and calling me names like string bean when I started shooting up in height during my teen years. I was constantly put down, treated horribly, and made to feel very small, insignificant, and unimportant.
And when you’re in an abusive environment, it’s not a place where you’re encouraged to go for it, to dream, to have goals…let alone celebrated for your accomplishments. It’s the exact opposite. Someone who emotionally abuses you wants to keep you small.
So my childhood, my important growing-up years, did not include an environment that grew my confidence. Any time there was a mere possibility of that, it was smashed to pieces.
And as I entered high school, and my friends were beginning to find their way by getting jobs, earning their driver’s license, and thinking about college, I wasn’t doing any of that. My life was still school, homework, chores, and helping around the house. I wasn’t doing anything that helped build my confidence.
Then in my early 20s, I married a man who turned out to be just like my father. Emotionally abusive. Wanting to keep me isolated and feeling stupid and small.
All that to say, for the first 25-30 years of my life, my confidence cup was pretty empty. And when you’re in an abusive relationship where you’re constantly being put down and manipulated…it’s not easy to trust yourself or your choices. Because whatever you do, there’s these external forces that are working against you. An abusive partner or parent doesn’t want you to be confident.
And of course, as women, we also deal with constant pressures from society that make it really difficult sometimes to feel, build, or keep our confidence. We’re supposed to look a certain way, act a certain way, and meet everyone else’s expectations. We’re told that we’re not enough or too much. We feel pulled in a million different directions and want to excel in everything that we do…but when we don’t, we take an emotional and mental hit. Or maybe we think we did well, but then someone else expresses a different opinion…and we take the same hit.
So confidence can be hard, right? And I’m not sharing or saying all of this to project this cloud of doom and gloom. My point in digging into the stark truth is to let you know that I’ve been there; you are not alone; and that if you’ve faced hardcore, long-term circumstances like me…and you’ve been beating yourself up over not being more confident…I want you to forgive yourself right now. Because it’s not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be confident…but blaming yourself for not quote/unquote “doing better” during extremely difficult circumstances is not what God wants. It’s not what I want for you, either.
No one - including God - is blaming you for not being more confident. We all have our own challenges - and even seasons where confidence is harder to build or maintain than others.
Instead of blaming yourself, I want you to focus on building that confidence. Don’t look backward - move forward.
In Isaiah 43: 18-19 it says: “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”
There are several things that I love about these verses. And this brings us to the how in this episode. How did God take me from having zero confidence to being the confident woman I am today? How can He take you there, too, dear sister?
Let’s break this wisdom down and transform it into practical, actionable steps that you can implement - to therefore be transformed yourself.
Step #1: Place your confidence in God (and Jesus)
The great thing about being a Christian woman is that you don’t have to rely on yourself for everything. In fact, you’re not supposed to, right?
One of the most mind-bending aspects of being a Jesus empowered maiden is that our empowerment comes from Jesus and our Heavenly Father - not some ridiculous feminist idea that we have to do everything ourselves and also be perfect at everything. That’s not empowerment; it’s a crushing burden.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says: “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”
This means two things. One, if your confidence is low - lean on God’s grace. Bring that to Him. In general, but also when it comes to specific decisions or areas where you’re not sure what the right decision is. God’s not going to leave you hanging. Two, the second half of this verse reminds us that God’s vision and plans are always much, much bigger than our own. When we allow God into our weak areas, and rely on His strength, that doesn’t just help us. It creates a testimony that helps others. Just like I’m recording this podcast sharing my own story so that it helps other women. God is so good, and so amazing, He can help us and put something in place to help others at the same time.
So first and foremost, place your confidence in God. That’s the rock solid foundation - and focus - everything else needs to be built upon as God helps you grow your confidence.
Step #2: Forget about the past
Let’s go back to Isaiah 43: 18-19 which, again, says: “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”
It’s interesting to note that the first directive in this verse is to “forget the past.” Because, friend, let’s be honest…us women are very good at endlessly ruminating on the past. What we did wrong; how we should have done things differently; what we could have done better; the roles other people played; etc.
This is also a place where the Enemy loves us to stay. Why? Because you can’t look back and forward at the same time. Either you’re focusing on one or the other. And while God wants you to look forward, which we’ll dig into more here in a second, Satan wants you to stay stuck. So he loves when we keep ruminating and blaming ourselves and putting ourselves down…over things we can’t change. And probably didn’t have as much control over as sometimes like to think.
Here’s the thing, friend…one of the biggest confidence killers is beating yourself up over the past. If you’re constantly looking back and blaming yourself, you’re never going to move forward. God can’t help you build confidence.
So you need to do as Isisah says: “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history.”
Step #3: Be present and ready
Did you notice what comes right after “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history.”
“Be alert, be present.” This is so good! God doesn’t just go from, “Stop looking backward” directly into “Look! I’m doing something new.” There’s a very important step in-between. “Be alert, be present.”
God is an active God, right? And He wants you to have confidence. He wants you to be empowered - in Him. (He wouldn’t have called me to start this podcast and brought you to this episode if that wasn’t the case.)
So He’s not going to just be like, “Oh? You want to have more confidence? That’s cute, dear.” And then not do anything about it. He’s going to help you build your confidence.
But you need to be ready. And that entails listening, and being ready for what God wants you to do, or the work He wants to do in you. You need to be present. Not rushing ahead of God or letting yourself fall back into focusing on your past. No, you need to be ready! You need to be alert. To be alert means to be watchful. When God wants to work with you on something, you don’t want to miss it!
And if you think I’m making up this whole work with you part, let me just tell you that this has played a very pivotal role in Him growing my confidence. Directly and indirectly. Let me give you an example of each.
After I was Saved, one of the first lessons God taught me was how to hear His voice and listen to Him. And He started out with really small and simple things. For example, I’m not the best cook. So when I was cooking, He would give me a nudge to do this or that…and I learned how to hear Him through those lessons.
Probably seems kinda crazy, right? But that was actually one of the most powerful and important lessons He taught me. Because He couldn’t start growing me into a confident and empowered woman, especially still being married to my now ex-husband at the time, without me truly recognizing His voice. So this was one of the direct methods He used.
Now, built on top of that foundation, were more indirect methods. God built my confidence by placing me in jobs, and around other people, and in certain situations where I was able to either see how good I actually was (‘cause I had direct comparison)...or caused my confidence to rise because I was forced to rise to the occasion and do well.
But God called me into those places. And so if I hadn’t been alert…and if He hadn’t taught me early on to recognize and heed His voice…who knows if I would have ended up in those places? Maybe I would have chosen to not be.
And this is one of the reasons why we have so much more hope in our confidence being strongly built as Christian women. Because while there’s lots of practical advice out there about projecting confidence when you don’t feel confident - like what your body language should be, etc…and those tips are useful…God’s in the business of transformation. Change that’s strong and that sticks long-term.
And God will get you there. It’s a process and it will take time. But God will work on you internally; He’ll use people and places and situations (in a good way).
But you need to stop looking backward and be rooted in the present - and be alert for what God wants you to do.
Step #4: Keep a record to stay on track and not let the Enemy win
The last part of our verses in Isaiah is: “I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”
God is driving home that He’s in the business of creating new from the old. He’s all about building your confidence. In fact, He wants you to be ready for the work He’s going to do. In this area and so many others!
But if I ended the episode here, I’d be setting you up for failure. Why? One, because we need to partner with God. It’s not just about what He’s doing - or going to do. It’s about us doing our part; we have an active role to play. And, two, there’s a good chance you’re going to meet challenges and resistance. From an abusive partner, from Satan, etc.
I don’t want to diminish God’s power and His work. But I do want to give you some tips to help you stay focused and on track. A totally doable, daily strategy to keep you moving forward.
First, I want you to get or create a confidence journal. It can be a Google Doc if you prefer the digital route. If you like something tangible and a little more inspirational, I have custom designed hardback journals and spiral notebooks in my RedBubble store. I’ll place direct links to those in the show notes so you can easily find them. Sometimes, it helps to have something special that also has a powerful message on it.
Second, in this confidence journal, I want you to make a written inventory of the things you do feel confident in - and the things you don’t. This isn’t to be doom and gloom and put yourself down. This is being in the present and taking stock, so you have awareness (which is always a fundamental step to change); can bring specific areas of wanted growth to Jesus; and look back on your progress. So just be honest; don’t think about it. No one is going to see this but you, Jesus, and your Heavenly Father. And there’s nothing to be ashamed about.
Third, after making your list, write out a prayer to lay your confidence overall, and the specific areas you want to grow in, at His feet. Now, you can place a star after 3-5 of the areas you’d like to focus on most - because this is meant to be manageable (not impossible or crushing) - and bring those things 3-5 items to Him. In fact, the Holy Spirit might provide some prompting or direction on what those should be. So if you’re unsure, feel free to take some time and pray over your list to narrow it down. And then when you have your 3-5 items, write out a prayer to give those over to God.
Fourth, as you stay alert and God begins to build your confidence, record it in your confidence journal. I want you to record your progress so that one, you can look back and see the amazing work God has done and the progress you’ve made. And, two, because as you face resistance, or you sense the Enemy trying to get you off track, or you’re having a low moment, you have a record that you can look back on to help recenter you. To remind you of what God wants for you, what He’s done, and how much you’ve grown.
I would recommend taking stock at least once a week to ensure that you’re actively using your journal. Meaning, in addition to writing down things as they happen, make a point of doing a weekly check-in or recap. Mark your progress. Add in Scriptures that have helped you. Journal out thoughts and get them on paper. Keep your journal relevant…not something that you forget or gets buried under a pile of books somewhere. We want to be active participants with God, right?
And the work God does to build our confidence, with our participation, will result in more fruit, and more empowerment, and set us up for more growth in a bunch of other areas.