Do you often talk yourself out of doing things that would bring you happiness, growth, or newfound freedom?
Does it feel as if there are *always* reasons that you simply can’t do something - whether it’s big or small? Does a part of you long to say “yes” - but yet you still say “no”?
Sister, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve dealt with this issue for years - which is how I know that it typically stems from the 3 common causes that I’m going to reveal in today’s episode. I want you to start saying “yes” to the full life Jesus has in store for you. So grab your coffee or favorite beverage, get comfy, and prepare yourself for breakthrough!
Show Notes:
Intro
Hey there, friend. Welcome to today’s episode. I’m so glad you’re here!
Now, before I dive in, I want to ask you a small favor. If this episode blesses you at all. Or if any of my episodes have blessed you in some way, I would love for you to hop over to iTunes and leave a brief review. This lets me know how my content is resonating with my ladies; what you find the most helpful; and helps me to continue providing the content that you’re thirsty for. It also helps other women like yourself find the podcast, because more ratings equals more visibility and trust.
So if you wouldn’t mind taking just a few minutes to write a brief review - it doesn’t have to be anything long or fancy - I would so love and appreciate that.
Alright! So on to today’s topic. Like I said in the teaser, I have dealt with this particular issue for a long time. In fact, I’m still making progress in this area. And I’m not sure what exactly to call this. What term or phrase would really capture what this issue is. I just know that it stems, ways down at the roots, from being in survivor mode, or having a victim mindset, or other results of living through an abusive or hard childhood - or being in a toxic relationship.
But despite not knowing what to label this…it is an important thing to recognize and work on overcoming with Jesus’s help. Because Jesus wants us to grow, and walk into freedom, and do things that we enjoy. For pleasure’s sake - meaning, just enjoying life. But also because if you want to find and step into your calling someday…well, your calling is going to be connected to something that God created you to do. Which means He designed you to enjoy it, right?
But if you stay in this cycle of not pursuing those things…well, that’s a huge blocker to your calling isn’t it? You can read more about this on my “Meet Jenn” page on my website…but I’m highly creative. That’s how God made me. And He’s been bringing that back to the forefront of my life - including as part of my calling - because it’s been buried and cast aside for decades. Is it weird to go from where I was to focusing on doing something that brings me joy? It totally is. But if I say “no” then not only am I robbing myself - I’m robbing all of you ladies that I’m meant to serve. There wouldn’t be a podcast, or pretty Pinterest pins to drive traffic to said podcast, or an online store with products featuring original Jenn designs to inspire you, etc.
In addition, you also need to say “yes” to things that are going to help you grow, transform, heal, and let go of old mindsets, beliefs, and patterns so that Jesus can continue to make you into someone new. That goes hand-in-hand with living out your calling.
So how do you go from talking yourself out of things, even small things, that would continue to propel you forward? And I do mean big and small things. I find that I will talk myself out of things with the thinnest of reasons. Often, that means I’m taking something that could be true, or could happen, but probably not…and deciding to use it as a reason to not do the thing (whatever it is). And notice what I just said. I didn’t say it was a legit reason. I said that I decided to use it as a legit reason.
And that’s where I’m going to focus on today. Why am I - and why are you - actively deciding to not do things that would bring you joy, growth, and freedom?
There are 3 common causes.
1) We say no - or talk ourselves out of things - because we are comfortable in our safe zones (even if they’re not healthy ones)
Being comfortable does not equate with being in a place of health, happiness, and growth. This is human nature. Whatever situation that we’re in, whether pleasant or unpleasant, we will eventually adapt and find it comfortable. Because it’s familiar. It’s quote/unquote “safe.” We know how this space works. We know how to navigate it. And anything outside of that can feel scary and uncomfortable.
As a result, even when we suddenly find ourselves able to do things that bring us joy…or freedom…it can feel scary. Overwhelming. Wrong, even. Because it hasn’t been our version of normal. It’s not what we’re used to.
So when we face decisions or activities or opportunities that, again, could bring about positive transformation, we either immediately react with a “no.” Or we talk ourselves out of it. And if there isn’t a legit reason to say “no” - we find one.
This can be a really tough practice to break. But awareness is the first key step. Sometimes we don’t even realize what we’re doing, right? Or maybe we’ve had a subconscious inkling, but it hadn’t come to the forefront yet. Now is the time to do that.
Bring it into the light and give it to Jesus. And don’t beat yourself up or feel bad about being in this cycle. I’ve walked this road; a lot of things I talk about on my podcast are things that result from experiences in our past - whether recent or distant.
In fact, you might be choosing to remain in your safe zone because of cause #2.
2) We can come from situations or experiences where we end up equating happiness with getting hurt
This is one I know particularly well. When we come from toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationships…it’s very common for the person in question to purposefully attack or derail your happiness. And so eventually, as a kind of survival mechanism, we learn to not seek (or at least show) happiness or interest in things.
I experienced this from both my abusive father and my manipulative ex-husband. My father would specifically target things that brought me joy - and somehow mess with it. Either he would withhold it, or make it really hard, or dismiss it altogether.
He was also very emotionally abusive. And I was a very cheerful, enthusiastic kid. But instead of appreciating or encouraging that, he would make fun of my personality, or wants, or reactions to things. And so I learned to not be happy around him, essentially. Because he targeted me.
With my manipulative ex-husband, he would pretend to align himself with something I wanted to do only to refuse later (even after driving several hours to the general area). Or keep things in chaos, including the finances, which left me unable to pursue anything I found interesting. Or treat myself. He did all sorts of things.
The other thing that can happen - and you may have experienced this as well - is that when we have allowed ourselves to say “yes” and pursue something…it’s like we get attacked. From the Enemy, from other people, what-have-you…but something happens, or someone says something (whether it’s a stranger or someone you know), to make us regret saying “yes.” To make it seem like we can never let down the walls and move forward…because if we do, something will happen.
Taking all of this into account, that I just shared, it’s no wonder that we instivenly say “no” (or talk ourselves out of things) because, deep down, we’ve equated seeking joy, growth, and freedom with hurt and pain.
But if you’re walking with Jesus, this isn’t where you’re called to stay. Jesus doesn’t call us into joy, growth, and freedom in order to hurt us. Will the Enemy try to mess with us? Probably. Will it be easy? Not necessarily. But our identity is in Jesus - not in the things of our past.
Also, freedom in Christ means that past relationships or abusers don’t get a say in our walk with the Lord; with our forward progress and transformation with Him. There’s absolutely nothing that the Lord can’t free us from. Absolutely nothing. No abuser has more power than the Lord.
So if this is something that you’re experiencing, lean into Jesus. Ask Him to break this in you - and to show you how safe He really is. Because that’s a huge crux of this, right? You’ve taught yourself not to open to things because, in the past, it hasn’t been safe. Or you suffered for it. So ask Jesus to double-down on showing you how safe you are in His arms.
And align yourself with that. You have to partner with Jesus a bit. As He works in you, be willing to start saying “yes” to small things. I’m willing to bet that there’s something you’ve been wanting to try, or return to, or a place you’ve wanted to visit that you would really enjoy…take a step of faith and do it. Say “yes” - and make a point of continuing to say “yes” (even if it’s just in small things). Small things add up to large progress.
3) Even if life is fantastic, doing something that’s new and/or amazing is uncomfortable
This is true for every human on the planet, but I want to include it here because it’s important. Anytime that we, as humans, up-level in a way that challenges our current comfort zone, mindsets, and beliefs, it can be highly uncomfortable.
I remember reading a blog post, I think it was, about a female entrepreneur who suddenly got very sick. She was so sick that she was convinced that she had something totally horrible. She went to the doctor, and he ran all these tests, but they all came back negative. Yet with each day that passed, she didn’t get better.
Finally, one of her friends said, “I think this is a physical reaction to you up-leveling in your business in a major way.” See, right before this entrepreneur got sick, she launched her online university - a completely new part of her business. And a vehicle for taking her business, and her credibility as an expert, to an entirely new level.
Now, logically, we wouldn’t tend to think that great success would make someone physically ill. But anything that challenges our current status quo can cause discomfort or, in this case, physical illness. And we’ve all experienced that to some degree, right? We get very nervous, or start sweating, or get a stomach ache before something that’s positive - but requires us to step-up in a new way.
I’m not adding this third point to discourage you. I don’t want you to think that, even if you make progress with the first two points that I covered, that this will always be an issue - so what’s the point?
Instead, what I want you to take away from this is two-fold.
One, every human on the planet deals with this. Which means you’re not alone. You might have extra things to work through, to go back to Points 1 and 2, but even in that you’re not alone. There’s an entire community of women listening to this podcast and this episode.
Two, when people come up against this discomfort, they have a choice. They can choose to continue to move forward despite what they’re experiencing. Or, they can choose to say “no” or stay stuck. … Which means, if your desire is to work through this with Jesus so you can be one of the ones to move forward…you’re in the minority. Because most people, when faced with that situation, choose comfort over progress or transformation.
So if you’re listening to this episode and you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, this seems like a lot. How can I possibly start to say “yes” - even with Jesus’s help? (Which He’ll answer for you, don’t you worry.) … Sister, I want you to know that you’re already in the minority. Because even though some work needs to be done, the desire is present in you. You don’t want to settle. In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that you’re tired of settling. Otherwise, why would you be listening to this episode?
Wrap-up
And as I said earlier, awareness is the first step. It’s a huge step, actually! Because (a) you’re completely aware of what you’re doing, (b) you can be aware of your thought process and actions moving forward, and (c) most importantly, you can take it to Jesus and align yourself with Him as He works with you in this area
Friend, you deserve to have a life filled with joy and happiness. To do the things that light you up and that God has created you to do. To be completely free in walking out your calling - and accepting the numerous blessings Jesus has for you that require you to grow outside of your current zone.
And Jesus is your rock. Jesus is your ultimate safe place. Jesus is just waiting for you to be in agreement with Him so He can transform you in ways you never thought possible.
Choose Jesus on a daily basis - especially as you catch yourself wanting to say “no” versus “yes” - and He’ll ensure you find joy, growth, and freedom no matter what needs healed, shifted, or removed.
And if I can end on a really cheesy note by pulling a quote from the Mandalorian and Boba Fett … and popping into our Jesus-centered context… “Choose Jesus. This is the way.”