Are you struggling with being called into a season of singleness?
Has it been hard to accept? Are you wondering what possible benefits can come from putting your relationship dreams and desires on hold - even though you want to trust God’s plan for your life?
Would it help if someone - who has taken this same journey - answered that very question?
Sister, God has had me in a season of singleness for over a decade. And while your season may not be as long, I’m in the perfect place to share all the amazing things that can come out of this period. In fact, this season will actually prepare you (in crazy, wonderful ways!) for that long desired relationship or marriage.
Eager to hear more? Hit play and let’s dive in!
Show Notes:
Intro
Alright, friend. I hope you are ready to see your season of singleness in a completely new light, because that’s exactly what I aim to accomplish with this episode.
I know being called into this season can be a challenge - especially as a woman. We tend to be very relational, right? So the idea of not pursuing that next boyfriend, or finding that potential husband, or working towards those dreams of a marriage and family can be a struggle.
And along with that, it can be tempting to think that God is withholding something or messing with what should be the plan. (Two lies that I’m sure the Enemy is all too happy to help take root - since he loves nothing more than to mess with our relationship with God.)
But despite how we may feel, we know God isn’t cruel. God doesn’t crush dreams. He may have a different timeline. He may have a different journey in mind to get you there. He may tweak or alter the dream to align with His desires for you. (Desires that He will place in you - not force on you.) But He’s not cruel. As 1 John 4:16 says, “God is love.”
So if God is calling you into a season of singleness, He’s not necessarily saying, “This dream isn’t for you.” (There may be a few of you listening to this that may always be in a season of singleness.) Mut more likely, God’s saying, “My answer isn’t ‘no’. It’s just ‘not now.’ Because I want this to be a good gift, and there’s some things that need to happen first. Some work to be done. So that when this dream is fulfilled, it’s a blessing.”
Did you catch that word? Blessing. God wants this dream, when it’s fulfilled, to be a blessing.
Which, in turn, means that this season of singleness is a blessing - even though it might not seem like it.
But, from my own journey, having been in a season of singleness since my marriage ended in 2011, I can personally attest that it is a huge blessing.
So how, exactly, is this season a blessing? Let’s take a closer look…
#1) A season of singleness allows your relationship with God to go to a deeper level - in very specific, vital, and foundational ways
I’m going to dig into what those specific ways are. But first, I need to lay out a truth here that may, or may not, be difficult to hear.
As women, we tend to be very relational. Right? And there’s nothing wrong with that; God created us that way.
However, that being said, we can often put specific human relationships in a place where they shouldn’t reside. In other words, that boyfriend or partner - or even the desire for that boyfriend or partner - can become the sun that everything else in our lives orbits around.
And this makes our lives unbalanced. Because this can even get to the point where the person or desire becomes an idol. Meaning, we place it above God and His desires for us.
If this happens, how can God do the work that He needs to do in us? How can He really get in there and sanctify us? Or transform us? Or weed out things that just need to go?
And, on top of that, what kind of a relationship does He get to have with us? Not exactly an intimate one, right?
God loves His daughters. He wants a relationship with us. To spend time with us. To hear from us. To be involved in every detail and aspect of our lives.
So He may call you into a season of singleness not to punish you…but to create the necessary space to woo you back to Him. To get your primary focus back on where it should be - which is on Him.
And as part of that, He might even call you to depend solely on Him - for everything (or mostly everything).
This is what happened to me back in 2011 after my ex-husband suddenly decided that I needed to move out and that we needed to get a divorce. I started my life over with my bachelor’s of science degree but no job; a few thousand dollars in the bank; and what possessions fit into my CR-V.
I had to move in with my mother - who eventually kicked me out. And to top it all off, I had no self confidence back then. I didn’t even think I could get a full-time job in the field my degree is in. I had no plan. No idea what to do. And little resources.
I had to depend on Jesus for everything which, as you can imagine, deepened our relationship.
And as I entered into this season of singleness, which began after my divorce, and there was suddenly more room to focus on Jesus (than when I had been married to a manipulative and chaotic man), He was able to start healing and growing me in key areas.
And that work was vital for laying the foundation to transform me into the empowered Jesus maiden that I am today.
But my focus needed to solely be on Jesus for that work to happen. If I had sought another relationship, I would have impeded the work Jesus wanted to do in my life. In me. And I would have also set myself up for an unhealthy relationship because I wasn’t where I needed to be emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
I needed to focus on Jesus. To let Him heal me and build me up; to deepen our relationship; but also to embark on a journey of learning who Jenn was created to be. And getting acquainted with parts of myself that had been lost for a very long time.
And through that journey of leaning into God while also learning about myself, it also revealed what kind of man I would want for a partner if I ever had one again. Which brings me to #2…
#2) A season of singleness provides the time and space to really understand what traits you want in a partner
And what I say traits, I’m talking about things beyond preferences such as hair color, eye color, etc. And the one obvious requirement which is that he knows the Lord.
I’m talking about his character, passions, and what kind of man makes sense for you. Because if your desire is marriage, then you’re going to be living with - and doing life with - this person for a very long time.
And this particular blessing has played out over the course of my season of singleness.
For example, I’m highly creative and I’m also building my own business. So on my list (and yes, I have an actual list that I’ve created over the years), I’ve noted that, ideally, the future partner that Jesus brings into my life will understand being creative and/or entrepreneurial. Because I want someone who isn’t just a romantic partner but a real life partner.
Also, I’ve found myself drawn to what I call power couples. A man and a woman who are both highly smart, driven, and are a force to be reckoned with not just individually - but together. Every time I come across one of these couples in a book or a movie or a TV series, I get excited. And that’s what I long for. A man who is on the same level as I am.
But I wouldn’t have reached those very important conclusions without being on the journey I just described a moment ago. The Jenn back in 2011 would not have been aiming for those things. Why? Because she was a different person. She didn’t understand her real value and how smart and capable she was. She didn’t see herself as one half of a power couple. She hadn’t gotten back in touch with her creative side and learned that’s meant to be an entrepreneur.
The Jenn is 2011, if she had been looking for a new partner, would have chosen someone very different from what she actually needs. Her standards would have been way lower.
…paints two very different pictures, doesn’t it?
Sister, as much fun as it is to dream about marriage, and the wedding, and the whole romantic picture…again, marriage is a long-term arrangement. Ideally, ‘til death do us part. And whoever you are living with and doing life with affects every aspect of your life and well being.
So it’s important to take the time to (a) allow Jesus to do the work He wants to do in you, so you know who you are, and (b) therefore can build an understanding of what kind of man makes sense for you.
It’s also important that you lean on God’s will and timing. Which brings me to #3…
#3) A season of singleness allows God to work both in you and the future partner He has for you. This is so that, when He brings you together, you’re both in a healthy place and the relationship is a blessing.
Sister, when we have a strong dream or desire, and it feels like God is saying no or throwing a wrench in our plans, we can get uber focused on our own aspect of things. Meaning, we focus on what we want, and how it’s not being fulfilled now, and forget that a dating relationship or marriage includes two people.
This future relationship isn’t just about you being in the right place…it’s also about your future partner being in the right place.
God is preparing two people here - not just one. Your future partner may need things healed; or to grow in certain areas; or have other journeys that God needs him to take beforehand.
Because he’s human just like you. A sinner. Imperfect. Someone who also has hurts or hang-ups. Someone with his own life that’s just as complex as yours.
And when God eventually brings you together, He wants to build something that lasts. That’s firm. That’s solid. (Partly because your relationship is built on God. And partly because God has done specific work.)
It won’t be a perfect relationship. (Any endeavor that consists of two humans is never going to be perfect.) But God doesn’t build flimsy things. He doesn’t give bad gifts. He wants you both to be in a specific place before bringing you together.
So you know what you can do during this season of singleness to help serve this future partner and change your perspective (and get aligned with God’s will) at the same time? Pray for your future partner. Pray for this person that God has for you. You don’t need to know who he is to pray for his well-being, or growth, or safety. Or to start praying over your future relationship.
Just because you’re in a specific season doesn’t mean you can’t sow small seeds for the next one.
Another advantage of doing this - praying for your future partner - is that it counteracts any Disney prince fantasies. You know, that idea that gets drilled into our heads from a young age that a man will ride into our lives on a white steed and make everything perfect and we’ll live in a state of “happily ever after” where nothing ever goes wrong.
‘Cause guess what? That description I just said - that’s not your future partner. That’s Jesus. Jesus is our savior. And if we don’t have that straight, then not only do we have a skewed idea of what relationship or marriage is, we end up putting an insane amount of pressure on our partner to be perfect. Which is a recipe for some disaster - or at least some difficulty that could potentially be averted beforehand.
So pray for your future partner. Decide that, even as you’re in this season of singleness, you’re going to become your future partner’s partner starting now…so that you’re both set-up for success when God brings you together.
Prepare now so that when that moment arrives, you two have a firm foundation and ahead start.
Wrap-up
Sister, I hope this episode has helped you see that there are so many blessings that can come from this season.
In the last year or so, I’ve been sensing that my own season of singleness is nearing its end. And as I’m getting closer to making that crossing from this season into the next, I can honestly say that I’m really grateful for this time. I know who I am now. I know what I’m made of. I know my value and worth. I know what kind of man would be good for me. (Not that God won’t probably throw in a surprise or two, but some idea is better than no idea.)
And I know that, above all else, it’s my relationship with Jesus that matters the most. Lean into Him, sister. In this, as with everything else, He’s got you. Seek Him. Follow Him. And enjoy the blessings of this time. Cheers!