God calls us to operate from a place of rest, trusting in Him to bless and multiply our work. Yet, between culture and tough life experiences, we can come to accept overwhelming loads as “normal.”
(To the point where we can even unconsciously *aim* for it.)
But in order to serve Jesus - and love ourselves - to the fullest, we should ONLY take on what’s realistic AND in line with our current calling.
Join me as I share a simple step-by-step process that will help you set boundaries, redefine your definition of “too much”, and keep you and Jesus first!
Show Notes:
Intro
So this episode is actually very ironic. Like, somewhere Alanis Morrisette is singing “Ironic” over this episode. Maybe coincidental is a better descriptor, but both probably apply.
For those of you listening to this episode around the time of its release, you may have noticed that it was a bit late. Normally, I release my episodes at 4am on Monday morning so they’re available at the start of your week, whatever hour that happens to be.
However, I’m releasing this episode much later in the day. And that’s because I wasn’t able to complete it in time to keep to my normal release schedule. Not without putting too much on my plate. (Which is where we start to see some irony.) Because I had started outlining this episode a week ago…but then I wasn’t able to get back to it.
At the time I’m recording this, I still have a day job. The focus of my business, Relate Escape, is to serve. To build up content; to put foundational things in place; and to serve until Jesus takes things to the next level where, hopefully, there is income. And perhaps the book that He’s calling me to write, which I’ve started on, will be part of that.
But quitting my 9-5 is a long way off. Which means that in addition to my day job, I’m also doing one podcast episode a week and starting on the book.
That’s a lot to balance, right? And last week was a week where I ended up having to work very hardcore at my job. My immediate boss, who is the only other person on my team, was out of the office Mon-Wed, enjoying some well-deserved rest in the Caribbean. It just happened to leave me with several projects that had tight deadlines.
So by the end of the work week, I was completely exhausted. I’m one of those people who can get a lot done in a short amount of time…but then I need a fair amount of time to recover. And I wasn’t able to do that until the weekend.
And I had a choice. Should I force myself to work on my podcast and book quota…or rest? Or, to put it another way, do I decide to put too much on my plate…or to lighten my load? Because what my body needed was rest…not more work.
And I chose rest. I chose to lighten my load.
And now here I am, on Monday, finishing and releasing my podcast episode on…lightening one’s load!
But this is such an important topic. And I know I say that about a lot of the topics that I talk about, but it’s because there are a lot of topics that just haven’t been touched on enough in Christian and female circles. And this is one of them.
A major component of being empowered is intentionally focusing your time, energy, and other resources. Because we can’t be healthy otherwise, and we can’t be as effective as possible for Jesus otherwise.
There are so many external forces that want to chip away, or just steal, our time and energy. The culture’s messaging about busyness being acceptable. Work cultures that operate with that belief - or the belief that one’s value is directly related to one’s amount of output. And then for us women, there’s additional messaging or beliefs in culture about how we need to do it all, etc.
Also, on a related note, the more you grow in confidence, empowerment, and mastery…the more others will want you to take on for them. I’ve found this to be especially true with less-than-stellar men. Because a man’s core struggle is with whether they’re good enough. And so what I’ve learned over the decades, from personal experience, is that the more competent and strong you are, even if you don’t see it yourself, the more certain men (and sometimes women) will try to get you to do things, or take on things, for them.
One of my favorite male tactics is asking if I’ll quote/unquote “help them” grow in a certain area. But their meaning of “help” is you basically taking on their work for them…it’s not them actually making a point of growing themselves. I’ve experienced this numerous times myself, and seen it happen numerous times to other women. Certain men will appeal to our natural desire to be helpful, when their goal is to just hand over the work.
So when it comes to being intentional with your time and energy, and staying on track with what Jesus is calling you to do, boundaries are required. Learning how to install and maintain healthy boundaries is one of the first things Jesus taught me on my journey to becoming empowered.
Because without that, you can’t be healthy. Without that, there’s not adequate room for Jesus to do what He wants to do in and through you. Instead, you’re either going to be distracted and/or doing things that are the responsibility of others…or that just aren’t things you need to pick-up.
So those are several external factors that we need to be conscious of…that necessitate the need for good boundaries. (And I’ll show you how to do that here in a minute or so.)
There are also internal factors that we need to be aware of. Things like:
Have we lived in survivor mode for so long, we see being overwhelmed and stressed as normal?
Have we been in situations, like a bad relationship, where we were forced to take on more than was healthy…because we were the one keeping it all together while the other person did whatever they wanted and created chaos? (This was my life when I was married for almost ten years.)
Are we afraid to say “no”? If so, why?
Do we want people to like us? Are we afraid if we set boundaries with our clients, we’ll lose them? Is there a victim mentality at work? Do we tend to people-please or give into fear of man?
And in case you think I’m perfect, I struggled with people-pleasing and fear of man when I was wrestling with whether to rest this weekend instead of pushing through and doing my podcast episode. What if people were upset that I didn’t have an episode ready for them on Monday morning? I’ve been trying my best to be consistent…but what if I miss another episode? (I already missed several when I was ill back in April.) Etc. Etc.
But I had to quiet those lines of thinking. I had to put myself first in the way that Jesus would want me to. He doesn’t want me to push through exhaustion to put out a podcast episode. Plus, even if I completely missed it, He’s bigger than one missed episode. The success of my podcast and my business are in His hands…it’s not dependent on perfection. Consistency, yes. But consistency is not perfection.
I ultimately chose to lighten my load. Because my choice needed to be based on God’s will for me…in general and in where He’s calling me to focus. Which brings me to the practical implementation portion of this episode.
Because just like Jesus helped me early on in my journey, I want to help you. I want to arm you with a series of questions, a process if you will, to help you make steady progress in this area. And if you like taking notes, this would be a great time to grab your pen and paper (or open Google Docs). You can also just go to the blog on my website and grab my actual notes. Every podcast episode goes on my blog and has the entire episode outline.
Because these questions are your tools, or your weapons, to protect your time, energy, and resources. This is how you start training yourself to think differently…and thus to choose differently. Ready? Alright, here we go.
When it comes to making decisions about what goes on your plate…daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly…I want you to ask some, if not all of these questions. And the more you do it, the more it will become a habit and second nature.
The questions to teach yourself the art of lightening your load:
1) Does this task align with what Jesus is calling you to do in this season?
This helps to eliminate some things that we should, upon thinking about it for a hot minute, obviously not pick-up. Whether it’s an idea that we’ve had or something someone else thinks we should do.
For example, Jesus is calling me to write a book, right? In addition to my weekly podcast episode, my day job, and all the chores of life like laundry, bills, etc.
If someone came to me and said, you should do freelance web design (which is my professional area of expertise) to earn more money. Or to help these Christian entrepreneurs that I know. Or, if I started thinking about joining the leadership at my church… Those things don’t align with what Jesus is calling me to do in this season. Yes, I could help Christian entrepreneurs have killer websites. Yes, I could serve on a leadership team. But that’s the calling Jesus has for me. He’s specifically calling me to write a book about my story because He has specific women that He’s calling me to help. So things that don’t align with that have no business being on my plate.
And as a similar site note to one I gave earlier…the stronger, more competent, and empowered you are…the more people will want you to be involved in things. Especially if you have several talents or areas of expertise. But you have to stay focused on what Jesus is calling you to do.
2) Does this task align with how Jesus is calling you to live in this season?
So we’re still focusing on the particular season Jesus has you in, but looking at more than just the calling itself.
Because here’s the thing… It’s not uncommon for Jesus to tell us to put other things aside, or to work things out for us so that other things fall to the wayside, so that we can primarily focus on what He’s calling us to do.
Because, again, He doesn’t want us to be overwhelmed. And so sometimes, He’ll go ahead of us and make a way. And when He does do that, what we don’t want to do is to habitually fill that time - or empty space - that He’s provided for us.
This is where the message of the world will whisper to us and say that we’re not doing enough. Or that it’s not fair to others. Or that we’re not earning our value or our keep. (Which goes against the truth, which is that our value comes from simply being God’s.)
But culture, that desire to have “normal” be overwhelmed and stressed, comments from other people….those can all cause us to want to fill that space. But that’s actually messing with the intentionality Jesus has put in place for our benefit.
3) Does this task align with how God calls you to live in general - through every season?
Now we’re talking about daily living. This goes back to things like God wanting us to work from a place of rest - not exhaustion. God doesn’t want that for our daily lives, and He certainly doesn’t place a call of exhaustion on our lives with whatever He’s calling us to do. For example, God is calling me to write a book. But He’s not calling me to exhaust myself doing it.
Sure, some seasons are going to be busier than others. You’re changing jobs, graduating with a degree, moving from one home to another, your place of work just onboarded a bunch of new clients…we all have seasons that are busier than others.
But those should be times when we’re even more vigilant about what gets our time and energy…it’s not an excuse to do that less. It’s not an excuse to be exhausted.
So when you’re debating whether to add something to your plate, ask yourself, “Is this going to be too much?” If the answer is yes, don’t pick it up. Even if it’s something you’ve hosted every year for years…your health, and obeying God’s desire for you to be healthy and rested, comes before meeting other people’s expectations or traditions.
Through all seasons, make sure that you’re doing your best to only take on what’s realistic and healthy for you. Life is always changing, ebbing and flowing through different seasons, and so we need to be flexible too.
4) Is this task something you want to do - and have the time, energy, and resources for? Or, is it something that someone else wants you to do?
Look, I don’t mean to sound like I’m vilifying people here. But people, Christian or non-Christian, are imperfect. Are trying to hide or push off things they are afraid to do themselves. Have really strong beliefs about what you should be doing (or not doing). I mean, people are messy.
So if you’re trying to decide whether to put something on your plate, and it’s not something you’re called to do, but you’re still feeling pressured to say “yes”...ask yourself, is this something that you want to do? That you’d enjoy? That you have capacity for? Or…is it something someone else wants and they’re just being pushy, or stubborn, or trying to guilt-trip you (even if it’s the whole “It’s the Christian thing to do” line) or what-have-you?
Because if it’s going to take time and energy away from what Jesus is specifically calling you to do in this season…and it’s not even something that you’d enjoy…chances are, you probably need to say “no.” That’s not to say that everything we take on in life is enjoyable. Or easy to say “no” to.
But part of learning to set healthy boundaries is fine-tuning your sense of discernment so you can recognize when someone is sharing an actual word from Jesus, for example (which you should always seek confirmation for, by the way), or just quoting scriptures to guilt-trip you into helping with the new food pantry or the next church picnic.
And you can become more discerning by going through the previous questions. If it’s something way left field from what God is calling you to do, then you can confidently say “no.” If it’s going to put too much on your plate, ensuring that you’re just going to be overwhelmed and exhausted, chances are pretty good that Jesus will wholeheartedly support you saying “no.”
And you don’t have to mean or be super crazy with your “no.” By all means, use the word. I am, by no means, a believer in the whole idea that we can’t use the word “no.” I mean, it exists in our language for a reason. But you can, depending on the occasion, soften the “no.”
You can say something like, “I’m so flattered that you thought of me. I wish you the best with your endeavors, but unfortunately I need to decline.”
And you don’t need to explain why. Notice how those two sentences did not include an explanation. One, because it’s not required. You don’t need to explain unless you truly want to or feel that it’s necessary. But two, in my experience, adding that kind of context just gives folks something to use in rebuttal. Or to further wear you down until you say yes. So, I tend to just stick to my answer and keep my reasons to myself.
5) Is my reflex to say “yes” to this task because I struggle with people pleasing / fear of man / guilt / overcoming patriarchal views etc.?
This may not be the most eloquent way to state this, but this is your “junk drawer” question. So if you’ve gone through the other four questions and you’re still struggling with saying “no”...chances are, you’re struggling in a specific area.
And that’s okay; there’s no shame in admitting it. I’ve struggled with a lot of these myself. A lot of us, especially considering past experiences.
The key is to identify what area (or areas) you need to work in with Jesus’ help. And being aware of that area or issue means you’re aware of how it’s affecting your decisions and what boundaries you create. It’s like identifying the enemy on a battlefield. Once you see the obstacle that needs to be eliminated, you can study it, focus on it, and allow Jesus to crush its hold over you.
So if you’re struggling with one of these issues - fear of man, people-pleasing, guilt, etc. - here’s what I want you to do:
Give it to Jesus. Pray over it. Surrender it. Ask for His help - both in saying “no” to this particular task and this issue losing hold over you long-term.
Ask for prayer from others. Make sure that you’re asking people that you trust, and that truly want you to make the best decision for you. And who wants what Jesus wants for you. In other words, people who aren’t going to respond by telling you what they think you should do.
Ask for help in saying “no.” Don’t feel bad or like you’re a failure for doing this, either. You’re learning. One day, you’ll be able to say “no” like a boss without even thinking about it. But today, there’s nothing wrong with some support. Have a friend help you draft your “no.” Ask them to be there for support when you send the email or text or give your response in person. And if at all possible, have that supporter be someone who’s further along in their ability to say “no.”
Give yourself grace. This is a learning process. It’s also a process where Jesus needs to get in there and help heal old wounds, or change mindsets, or help you create new habits. And that takes time; it’s not overnight. But lots of little steps add up to big change.
Wrap-up
And sister, you can do this. I know that, a lot of the time, it feels like saying “no” is impossible. Or that there’s simply too much that needs done. Or that you have to be the one to do it - that no one else can. Or it will break tradition or cultural norms or whatever.
But the one person you need to look to and follow more than any of that is God. What is He calling you to do? How is He calling you to live - both in general and in this season? Is it something you will enjoy and that you have capacity for - or is it something someone else would like you to do? And where can you and Jesus do some work to help you break free and build some boundaries and lighten your load.
God has a specific and special calling for each one His daughters. And it’s our responsibility to focus on that calling…and to say “no” to things that don’t belong on our plate…and to not feel guilty about it.
And you can totally get there, sister! One step at a time. God believes in you, and I do too! Cheers!