Being an empowered Christian woman requires believing in yourself. But when you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship, your self-esteem suffers.
It’s hard to feel confident when you’re made to feel incompetent - let alone see your true value and worth.
So how can you start recognizing and trusting in your abilities? It may seem impossible - but it’s not. I’ve overcome low self-esteem in my own journey, and today I’m going to share four practical tips to help make positive strides in this area!
Show Notes:
Intro
Okay, sister. Let’s talk about self-esteem. As I said in the teaser, this is something I know from personal experience - just like a lot of things that I talk about on the podcast.
I had a very emotionally and mentally abusive father growing up, and so I had extremely low self-esteem when I went out into the world. I didn’t think I was worth much at all, to be honest. I didn’t feel as if I had much value for the world. I wasn’t confident in myself. And to top it all off, I had no idea how to go after things, or dream, or build a life. Because those things hadn't been taught to me, and the biggest lesson I had learned growing up was how to survive.
Then, in my early 20s, I married a man who turned out to be highly manipulative - as well as emotionally and mentally abusive. God Saved me two years into the marriage, but my ex-husband never became a Chrstian. We were married for another 7.5 years before he insisted on a divorce. And during those years, my ex played all kinds of games, and said and did all kinds of things, to make me feel stupid, and small, and incompetent.
Jesus began transforming me after I entered into a relationship with Him. So even while I was still married, He began to build me up. In fact, that’s one reason I was able to stand up to my ex about something he wanted to do that was wrong, and that I wouldn’t be a part of, which led to him wanting the divorce.
But it wasn’t until after my ex was no longer in my life - with his chaos, manipulation, and abuse - that Jesus could start to make bigger strides. And if you’ve also left that kind of relationship, or even if you’re still in one, I want to equip you with some practical ways to start countering and overcoming your low self-esteem.
Because that is not from God. You are competent. You have tremendous worth and value. In fact, you’re priceless! You have amazing gifts, talents, and wisdom that the Kingdom and the world needs.
So here are four things that I want you to do.
1) Dig into Scripture to remind yourself of your true identity.
When we’re in a toxic relationship, our partner wants our identity to be rooted in him. Why? Because it makes it easier for him to manipulate and control and also get what he wants.
But our identity doesn’t come from the person we’re in a relationship with - whether they’re safe or abusive. Our ultimate, true identity comes from God.
We are a daughter of the God of the universe. We are His princesses. We are followers of Jesus, our Savior and White Knight who paid the ultimate price so that we could be reconciled with God. (Which speaks to how much we’re valued, each and every one of us.)
So it doesn’t matter what your toxic boyfriend, fiance, or husband has said about you. How useless you are, careless you are, unattractive you are…any of it. Those are toxic, albeit hurtful words, from a broken and sinful man. Those words do not speak to your identity; they are not what you are.
Instead, dig into God’s words about you. Soak up His words of true love. How much He values you. How He’s always there for you. How He doesn’t want you to worry or be anxious about anything. Learn more about His character, too. Because it’s not just the words that matter - it’s who’s saying them.
If you want to dig more into God’s identity for you, and what that means, check out episodes 17, 24, and 61 where I go into greater detail. But for now, the big idea here is, your identity comes from belonging to God…not from what others say about you. So make a point to dig into that truth on a daily basis and build your foundation on God and Scripture first and foremost.
2) Celebrate your achievements, big and small.
You have achievements - you do. You also have gifts and talents and things that you do really well. But, when we’re in a toxic relationship, that person doesn’t want you to see that. Or, they don’t want you to see it to the fullest.
That’s why it’s important to start (a) recognizing your wins, and (b) celebrating them. Because by celebrating them, you’re marking their existence and importance. (And, no, that’s not selfish.)
Now, you might be saying, “But Jenn, I’m stuck at home. I don’t have any achievements. No important career. No artistic endeavors. I’m just trying to get through life.”
Listen, everyone has wins. Even if it’s not related to one of your talents. If you’re stuck at home, and you manage to make a My Little Pony cake for your daughter, that’s a win. If, in the course of a very hard day, you manage to get your top three to-do items done, that’s a win.
Your achievements can be big or small. And here’s the real kicker: you decide what your wins are. This is not dependent on other people’s recognition or thoughts or opinions. You know when you’ve achieved something - so celebrate it. Whatever that looks like. An extra bowl of ice cream, getting your nails done, whatever works for you. Whatever makes you happy or brings you joy.
Recognizing and celebrating your achievements, or wins, starts setting a pattern or saying to yourself, “I did something really well today.” And the more you communicate that to yourself, the more it counters the other negative thoughts inside your head as well as talk from others.
3) Connect with people who will recognize and celebrate your achievements.
One of the things toxic and abusive partners love to do is isolate us from other people. My ex-husband tried to do this; at one point, he wanted us to move an hour away from my church which was my only real community outside of my marriage. (And this was during a time when we were trying to get pregnant and, if we had had a baby, would have meant my only support would be far away.)
Keeping us from community makes us easier to manipulate. We don’t have anyone to see what’s going on and step in to help us; or to help us see the things we can’t see; or to speak truth into our lives.
And one of those many types of truths is the person that we actually are - versus the person our toxic partners want us to believe that we are. The two are usually very different things.
If you don’t already have an outside community, find a group of safe and authentic people who will see you for who you really are - and celebrate life with you.
This can be a church group, a fun group through Meetup.com, a work networking group such as Together in Digital (which is a female only group that I once belonged to). It can be the official Relate Escape online community - which you can join using the link in the show notes. It can also be a more informal group - or just a few close friends as compared to a group.
The big idea is to make a point of having friends and a supportive community outside of your relationship. One, because it’s healthy for you in general. But, two, because if your toxic partner is always telling you that you’re terrible at something, but your outside community is always praising you for that same exact thing, then there's the power of truth to counteract the lie.
And by the way, toxic partners will make a point of attacking what you’re good at because that’s how he erodes your confidence. But if others see the truth, then his words lose power. And your self-esteem isn’t as affected by him.
4) Ask Jesus to show you just how amazing, competent, and priceless you are.
The tips and guidance that I share in my episodes can be used by any woman in need. However, every woman is different. While we can - and do - share similar experiences, struggles, dreams, and wounds, our stories are not the same. We’re also individuals. We each have a unique wiring, personality, and journey.
This is one of the many reasons why - while giving general advice - I point you to Jesus. Because only He knows exactly what you’ve been through, what you’re currently facing, who you are in all your uniqueness, and what you need the most.
So I want you to just outright ask Him to show you how valuable and competent you are. If your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is so low that you can’t even bring yourself to ask that question, because you believe there isn’t any competency or value to be pointed to, then ask Him to help build-up those areas. (He’s still going to show you that you're competent and valuable, because you are, but I want you to start from where you’re able to.)
Jesus is your biggest cheerleader in this area. If you ask, He will deliver. Trust me. It doesn’t matter what your toxic partner says or has said. Or how he’s isolated you or controls you. Jesus is not limited by the ways of men or sin. He will create ways to speak the truth into your life about your true identity and what you, specifically, are capable of. And what you’re worth.
I suggest keeping a journal of the ways that He answers. Because then you have a record that you can refer back to. And you can see, in one place, all of the things Jesus has done. If you prefer physical journals over digital, check out the inspirational designs in my store - the link is in the show notes.
But whether you keep a record or not - ask. Ask Jesus to start pulling back the curtain of lies and showing you the truth about who you are. Through dreams, through good community, through random interactions, through Scripture, through everything and anything.
Wrap-up
Sister, I can honestly say that just because you have low self-esteem today doesn’t mean that it can’t change. It can change because you belong to God - who values you more than you could ever imagine. It can change because your identity is forged from being God’s - not from the words of others.
It can change because Jesus is going to continue to grow and heal and transform you - just like He did with me.
It can change because I know you’re a strong woman, a fighter, who is perfectly capable of starting to fight back using the tips I’ve shared in this episode.
You’ve got this, sister. Because you’ve got Jesus at your side. Cheers!