Do you struggle with setting healthy boundaries?
For example, do you find yourself saying "yes" when you should say "no"? Is it difficult to not let other people's wants or ideas override your own feelings, goals, or workload? What about taking on responsibilities that really belong to someone else?
I've been there, sister! I used to be absolutely horrible when it came to setting boundaries. In fact, when Jesus first brought this issue to my attention, I was still operating in the survivor mode I was so used to (i.e. abusive childhood, toxic marriage, etc.).
But Jesus calls us to thrive - not survive. And in order to do that, we need to understand the true power and importance of healthy boundaries - and how to implement them.
That's why, in today's episode, I lay out why boundaries are so important to not just our well-being - but how we impact those God is calling us to serve. I'll also walk you through how to implement healthy boundaries in all situations - big or small.
Show Notes:
Intro
Ah, boundaries. I really used to be so horrible at setting boundaries. I mean, it was bad. So if you’re listening to this episode and you’re feeling like less than a champ when it comes to boundaries, I want you to take heart and know that it’s okay. You’re not alone. I’ve been there. Other women have been there.
But you don’t need to stay there, right? That’s one of the many, many amazing things about following Jesus is that we aren’t called to remain the same. Jesus is always changing us, and healing us, and taking us to the next level. And He never makes fun of us, or makes us feel bad for how we’ve quote/unquote “failed” at boundaries.
And boundaries are a tough issue. It’s tough for all women in general, I think. We tend to have a lot on our plates. We inherently want to help others. We have good intentions - but can allow ourselves to be spread too thin. Or to say “yes” to things that are really someone else’s to carry - whereas for us, it’s extra work, or a distraction, or a way off course from where Jesus is asking us to focus.
So if that’s you, sister, this episode is for you. If you’ve just been struggling with boundaries. Or you consistently find yourself agreeing to things and regretting it later. Things of that nature. I got you.
If, like me, your struggle with boundaries is a bit more hardcore. If you’ve come from an abusive childhood or a toxic relationship where you’ve been shouldering more than you should. If your desire for others to see your value causes you to take on more than you can handle - or what is someone else’s responsibility in the first place...this episode is very much for you.
This has been my walk. Jesus had to purposefully teach me about boundaries. I wasn’t even aware that I wasn’t establishing healthy boundaries until Jesus brought the subject to my attention. I was always just in survivor mode.
But once we belong to Jesus...once we’re a Jesus empowered maiden...we’re not called to survive. We’re called to thrive.
And, as part of our walk with Jesus, we have a specific calling.
So for our own health and best interests, and for that of others - including the people God is calling us to serve - we need to have healthy boundaries. It’s not a nice-to-have. Or an I’ll-get-to-it-later kind of thing.
It’s a necessity. So let me walk you through 3 key steps to establishing healthy boundaries. And within each of those steps, we're also going to dig deeper into the necessity of each - and of having boundaries as a whole.
1) Learn to trust - and act on - your own instincts
When we come from an abusive, toxic, and/or manipulative relationship, there’s this thing that ends up happening. In the midst of the chaos that is so often present...as we attempt to make sense of things...as we desire to deal with specific people logically (when they aren’t coming from a place of logic)...we eventually find ourselves no longer trusting or acting on our instincts.
Instead, in our repeated attempts to deal with a situation rationally or to keep the peace, we allow ourselves to lose hold of our own beliefs, thoughts, or intuition. One minute we’re very sure of something. But when the other person reacts as they do - from a manipulative or toxic nature - we try to rationalize things. But what ultimately happens is that we let go of our convictions.
We start to question ourselves, right? We think things like, “Oh, maybe he’s right” or “Maybe it is this way like he says” or we try to be more compassionate or see things more from his perspective (even though he’s messing with us)… or however it plays out in our thoughts.
And over time, as this keeps happening, we find ourselves not trusting our instincts or thoughts or past experiences, etc. Which is exactly what a manipulative person wants.
Maybe you don’t come from an abusive or toxic relationship but, for whatever reason, you have a hard time listening to yourself. Someone will ask you to do something, and your gut reaction is that you need to say “no.” But yet you find yourself allowing them to “talk you into it.”
Whatever your specific struggle or citation, here’s the thing: if you’re a Jesus empowered maiden, you need to reclaim that sense of yourself. With a vengeance.
‘Cause here’s the thing. That so-called gut reaction can be the Holy Spirit guiding you. In that situation or moment, God is trying to guide you. To warn you. To keep you from taking on something that you’re not meant for. To not establish a healthy boundary or precedent.
And if you (or I) ignore that...for whatever reason...we’re disobeying God. Routinely.
In addition to not allowing ourselves to be empowered. We all have our own experiences, understandings of those around us, what we can handle, what we should or should not do...and all those things matter. Our smart brains matter. Our instincts matter. Our voices matter. Our decisions matter.
The first two voices we should be listening to is God (whether it be our Heavenly Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or all of the above) … and ourselves.
Now I’m not saying that we can’t seek Godly counsel or ask others to pray and those types of things. But what often happens is that we don’t listen to either God or ourselves, tamping down both, and we instead give credence or power away to the wrong people. Which brings me to #2...
2) Stop taking on what belongs to someone else
One of the hardest parts of setting healthy boundaries is saying the word “no” - or some form of it. Such as “I’m sorry, but unfortunately I’m not available.” But guess what? It’s also one of the most rewarding skills you’ll ever learn.
For women in general, this is a big struggle. We want to be helpful. We want to impact others and make a difference. We want our loved ones and those around us to be happy. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
The problem comes when we take on things that are other people’s responsibilities. And if we’ve come out of a toxic or manipulative relationship, we’ve also been carrying extra weight that wasn’t meant to be ours.
For example, my ex-husband was horrible with money. His salary doubled over the course of our 9.5 year marriage. But we never got ahead or had anything extra because he would make foolish financial decisions and spend what we had. Any of my attempts to save regularly or pay off debt was ignored or laughed off or thwarted.
Every month, as I balanced the budget, it was me (and me alone) who worked the numbers to ensure we stayed in the black. For 9.5 years. Never having anything extra for myself. Never getting into a better financial situation. When we separated, after my ex-husband said that we were getting a divorce, the only reason I had any money to start over with - from scratch - was because I went to the bank the next day and took out money and put it into an account in my own name. After I moved out, I watched my ex-husband drain what was left in that joint account until it was all gone. Within like a week.
Several people remarked to me that the only thing - or person - keeping my ex-husband from completely destroying his life, and mine along with it, was God. Because I had been Saved two years into my marriage and God, in His grace, was holding things together. And I can only conclude that after the divorce, that’s probably what happened.
But during the marriage, this is one example of the weight I carried that shouldn’t have been all mine. Even if I was the one overseeing the budget software, as husband and wife we should have been working on things together - for the benefit of both of us.
There weren't healthy boundaries. My ex-husband’s MO, in a lot of things, was to do what he wanted without any care or thought of the consequences, and let others deal with the fallout. Especially me. And I kept playing that role...until I finally didn’t.
Me setting a boundary, and saying “no”, is what led to my ex-husband’s ultimatum at the end. A year before, he had insisted that we buy a larger house. A house that had been built by someone who didn’t really know what he was doing. It wouldn’t have been easy to re-sell for numerous reasons. But suddenly, my ex-husband wanted to pack up and move to another state without any rhyme or reason. There was no logic or planning to this at all. We were just going to walk away from this house.
And he told me that I would need to get a job to pay for this insane change. Which, I knew from almost a decade of experience, meant he was going to make a major mess of things and saddle me with somehow holding it together. And I knew this would be bad. Very, very bad.
So I said, “No.” I told him I wasn’t doing that. And his response was that either I do whatever he wanted or we would get a divorce. I said I didn’t want a divorce, but I wasn’t agreeing to his plan. And so he told me I needed to move out and we were done.
Now, underneath all of this of course was intense spiritual battle. I saw God trying to get his attention towards the end. But my ex-husband was not interested. And so with me drawing closer and close to Jesus, and him drawing closer and closer to the Enemy (I mean, you could literally feel the two teams in the house), that marriage was going to fall apart.
But I had to set down a boundary in the end. I wasn’t going to be a part of defaulting on the house we had just bought because he wanted to move to another state and just walk away from his responsibilities. I wasn’t going to carry the weight of his decisions anymore.
It took me a long time to get to that place. Because when I was Saved two years into my marriage, I had very little self-esteem. I was codependent. And, again, when you’ve come from an abusive childhood and the only major relationship you’ve had has been with someone who’s emotionally abusive and manipulative, it’s going to take time. I needed to learn more about God and Jesus and how to trust them. I needed some healing. It took time for Jesus to change me into someone who would stand up in that type of situation.
But I got there. As a Jesus empowered maiden, I had to stand up and say, “No.” And hold onto it after the consequence of saying “no” - of holding fast to that boundary - was literally starting my life over from scratch.
When we come from toxic relationships, we are so used to taking on things that we shouldn’t. And we also usually have low self-esteem and so say “yes” to things at work or at church or with others because we want others to see our value. Or we feel we need to earn it.
But that’s not what Jesus calls us to do. Our identity and value is in Him. And in being a child of God. And if we take on things that aren’t meant for us, they can crush us. Or distract us. Or keep us from walking out the specific calling He has for our lives.
It also leads to more unhealthy relationships. Because if you take on something at work that is someone else’s responsibility...maybe a co-worker who likes to drop the ball or sweet talk people into doing his work for him...that sets a precedent. An expectation. And so not only are you adding to your plate once - it can be harder to say “no” next time.
This can be really hard. Not just from a place of coming out of a bad relationship or a place of low self-esteem. But because as women in general, we desire to help people. To get things done. We want to support, encourage, and impact those around us.
The question is, though, who are you meant to impact? And if you say “yes” to something...how is that impacting you, too? I’m not saying we should never help others. But is it true help? Or does it mean you’re taking on someone else’s responsibilities (that they need to own themselves)? Are you taking on something that you’re not called to do? Or that will set an unhealthy precedent?
I’m not saying it’s easy. But when you are asked - or you simply face - the opportunity to do something...first stop and ask yourself if you should.
3) Own the truth that people’s reactions are their own
When it comes to trusting our instincts - or obeying God - and setting boundaries, there’s one major thing that can trip us up. And that’s worrying about how someone will react if we say “no” or don’t do what they would like us to.
First, let’s just call this what it is: people pleasing. People pleasing is when we make decisions or do things to make other people happy versus focusing on pleasing God. It’s ehen we worry more about the reactions of others versus how God sees us. Or what He’s called us to do.
This can be a very difficult thing to break. It can be difficult for any woman because of the messages culture speaks to us. And it can be especially hard coming out of a toxic relationship. Because just for the sake of our sanities, we end up spending so much time and energy trying to please the other person - who is impossible to please. And we also may be suffering with low confidence and self-esteem and self-worth.
Then you mix in that messaging from culture that a lot of us ladies have grown up with - which is to make everyone else happy at the expense of ourselves - and we have one hot mess of unhelpful. Am I right?
But here’s the thing, friend. I’m going to lay two hardcore truths for you.
One, it should always be about pleasing God first and foremost. Who is He calling you to be? As a Christian in general and in your specific life. What is He calling you to focus on? Who are you to serve in this season?
Those things determine what you say “yes” to. Not the opinions or feelings of others.
Because here’s truth number two...you can’t control how people will react.
We tend to think that we can. We tend to work out all the possible scenarios in our heads. You know, the whole, “If I do X, then she’ll do and say this.” And then we move onto scenario Z. Repeat until we’ve wasted hours thinking about it.
How other people choose to react is on them. That’s their responsibility. Their reaction is not your responsibility. Let me say that again: their reaction is not your responsibility.
Friend if, like me, you’ve been in abusive and toxic relationships, where the other person has constantly blamed you for their actions...this can be a hard mindset change to make. But this is where the real freedom comes in.
God does not call you (or I or any of our sisters) to make decisions based on what we think or fear others will do.
Satan would love us to do that. Because then we’re stuck in our growth and how God can use us. And Satan can just use people in our lives to essentially keep us off course. All he has to do is send someone with a strong opinion that’s the opposite of what we’re called to do - and we’ll stop dead in our tracks because we’re now more concerned about this person than we are about the calling or mission God has given us.
As I continue writing and releasing podcast episodes, I can “hear” potential reactions. People getting upset because I share my past, not-so-great experiences with religious churches (where Jesus wasn’t at the center and there wasn’t help for Biblical views of women), which could be seen as speaking against the Church.
But if I listened to those imagined reactions, and stopped talking about that (our reality as women and creating that conversation and place for help), I wouldn’t be serving you - my sisters - anymore. I would be worrying more about what people could say - and probably will say at some point - rather than continuing in the calling Jesus has placed on me.
God is clearly all about empowering His daughters. Jesus told me specifically to use the words “Jesus” and “empowered” in the title of this podcast. So that’s what I do - praying weekly over what content to share and that what I say is what He wants me to say. Doesn’t matter what others want me to say.
I choose to trust my instincts and the direction Jesus has given me. I set my boundaries and don’t pick-up things that distract me from my calling. (Like volunteering here or taking this random thing on over here.) And I also set my boundaries by not giving the wrong voices a say in my life. They’re just noise. And, with God’s help, I will keep those boundaries no matter what opposition may come.
I’m not going to people please. The only voices that carry weight are those of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit - and those of the women I’m serving, because you let me know what resonates with you which helps me to better serve you.
Friend, can you see how essential boundaries are as a Jesus empowered maiden? Can you see how not setting healthy boundaries can cause havoc in our walk with Jesus?
It may seem daunting, I know. You might be thinking that you’ll never be able to do that. You might have a specific person in your mind right now that you can’t ever see saying “no” to or laying down firm boundaries with.
I get it. We don’t change overnight. In most things, anyway. And most likely, this will be a process. But you just need to start. Take a small step forward, and then another small step forward, and then before you know it, you’ll look back in amazement.
Because Jesus has you, friend. You’re not alone in this. Just like He did with me, He will help you learn how to set those boundaries. Give it to Him in prayer. Listen to the nudging of the Holy Spirit.
Ask for time when someone requests something of you. That’s also setting a boundary and taking power. You don’t have to make a decision right then and there. Someone may prefer that you do. But we’re serving God first and foremost, right? Give yourself time to think and pray. Give yourself the space required to start implementing a new way of doing things.
With Jesus at your side, you can make headway in this. I promise you. And it will be so, so rewarding. Just wait and see.