Is God calling you into a season of singleness as a Christian woman?
Does it feel like too much of a challenge? Maybe you're worried, confused or frustrated. Maybe you feel as if God is withholding something from you - like your dream of a husband. Or maybe the idea of being single just feels so dang lonely.
Even if you're coming out of a bad marriage, relationship, or other situation where you know you need to focus on Him, a season of singleness can be hard. Certain internal blockers and external messages can keep us from receiving the blessings that God has for us.
Which is why in today's episode, I'm going to counter three of those false messages with some hardcore truth. Because as someone who's been in a season of singleness for a decade, I want you to thrive in this amazing season! Let's do this, sister!
Show Notes:
Intro
Hey there, lady friend. Welcome to Episode #26 where we are going to get all into the season of singleness. If you’re listening to this episode, I’m going to assume that you probably have some questions. Maybe some concerns. And I totally understand where you’re coming from.
This season can seemingly come from nowhere. It can be unexpected. And it can feel like a challenge to navigate. And we’re going to dive into that more heavily here in a minute.
First, though, I want to start off by acknowledging that there are two ways we tend to approach a season of singleness. In other words, there are two perspectives or mindsets that us ladies tend to have going into our season of singleness.
The first one tends to happen when we’re coming out of a bad marriage or a toxic relationship. Or, for whatever reason, we’re really not in a place where we’re just not interested in dating. Our mindset is essentially: “I’m not interested in dating/romance/marriage.”
Typically, this is because we’ve had a bad relationship, right? The person we were in relationship with was abusive, or manipulative, or hurt us in a major way. So when that relationship ends, we have no intention of getting married again. Or we have zero interest in dating, let alone marriage.
That was my mindset for the longest time - especially after my divorce. If you’ve listened to some of my other episodes, or been on my website, then you know that my marriage was not great. So when that ended, my idea of life moving forward was that it was just Jesus and I. I had no desire to get married ever again.
So in this mindset, you may see being single as the way you want to move forward. You’re aligned with it. You need time. You need space. You need healing. You just don’t want to deal with the male gender, right? That’s the first perspective.
The second mindset is when we don’t inherently want to be in a season of singleness. We accept it because we want to obey God. But it’s not necessarily easy. Maybe you dream of being married and having kids. Maybe you aren’t a fan of being alone and don’t see that as being something that makes sense. There could be a lot of things that play into this. But essentially, the big idea is that you want to not be single - but you do want to obey God.
Now, why am I touching on all of this before I dive into busting our myths? Because wherever you are - however you feel about this season of singleness that God has called you into - I want you to know with certainty that what I’m about to share applies to you. And that your fellow sisters, who may be in a season of singleness but are feeling things a bit differently, are facing some of the same challenges that you are.
So now that we have that established, let’s get into the heart of the matter as it were. (Pun totally intended!) Because there are some common myths out there that might be negatively impacting your success in this season. Including your ability to just accept it and obey God.
And not all of these things are directly related to the concept of a singleness season - which kinda makes them more invisible. The more ingrained and common things are in the culture or beliefs or thought processes around us, the harder they can be to actually see.
So let’s call them out right here, right now...and counteract them with some truth. Because I want your season of singleness to be the gift that it’s meant to be...not something you’re needlessly suffering through.
Myth #1: It’s not okay to be single -or- You need to be in a relationship
Truth #1: There is absolutely nothing wrong with a season of singleness (and this is true at any age)This idea or pressure or focus (or whatever term best applies to you) that you need to be in a relationship can come from several sources.
It can be an internal thing. Maybe you have a dream for a husband and/or a family. And it could be a legit, God-given dream. God just may have a different timing than you do.
It can also come from external sources. Family, friends, folks in your church family...they may be encouraging you to be in a relationship. Maybe with the best of intentions. You could be getting comments about guys they want to set you up with. Or that you’re “not getting any younger” or “you need to settle down.” Etc. (You can also be thinking about those things yourself.)
But ultimately, it’s not what God is calling you to do. He defines our seasons. He knows best. So if God is calling you into a season of singleness, He has good reasons. He sees the bigger picture. He has plans for us that are way beyond what we could ever dream up.
Putting you in a season of singleness - no matter your age - is not a punishment. Or a denial of your dreams. This season of singleness might actually be a major way He prepares you for that dream.
Listen, when we’re in a season of singleness, God typically wants two main things. One, He wants our focus to be predominately on Him. And, two, He wants to do some work inside us.
For example, for us women, relationships can easily be an idol. Right? Even if it’s a God-given dream, we can make it an idol. We can place the search for the perfect husband above all the other things God is calling us to do. So maybe God has the right husband in mind...but He needs to prepare us. He needs to make sure that when that man comes into your life, there isn’t idolatry that’s going to probably get more intense.
Maybe it’s not so much about that as it is about healing your wounds, or helping you learn who you were created to be, or even purging the junk we’ve taken on from society.
Friend, we need to remember that God builds things that last. That stands the test of time and trial. So even though it drives us crazy sometimes, He’s all about taking the time to do the prep work. Because He loves us too much to do otherwise.
And, again, age is not a factor. I’m 41, for example. Most people my age are married, have kids, etc. And I can choose to view that as uncomfortable or revel in the season God has me in; to take in everything He has for me. And to remember that my calling, that He has specifically for me, is not the same as for other people. Everyone has their own calling, their own timeline, and their own journey.
So whether this is an internal or external struggle...wherever this message is coming from that you need a relationship...that’s not the truth. The truth is that everyone’s seasons and journey look different.
Oh, and one other small thing I will add here too is that sometimes God will also use a season of singleness to serve or help others in ways that maybe you couldn't if you were married or in a relationship. So keep that in mind, too!
Myth #2: This season of singleness will last forever
Truth #2: A season of singleness isn’t necessarily permanentNow, remember how at the beginning of this episode we talked about those two common perspectives or groups? Some of us enter into a season of singleness totally on board. While some of us aren’t exactly aligned.
If you’re in the group that has a desire to get married or be in a relationship, the idea that this season won’t necessarily be permanent is probably music to your ears, right?
But if you’re in the group that is totally fine being single forever, your reaction is probably more like, “Please God. Let it be permanent.”
But...both groups need to listen up to this one. Why? Because I personally know several couples where one, if not both, parties had come out of marriages - never intending to get married again. And what happened? God changed their hearts and perspectives, brought someone into their lives, and the people who vowed never to marry again are now in wonderful marriages.
In my life, God has started opening up my heart to possibility. Even as I’m still in a season of singleness. When I divorced a decade ago, my plan was to never remarry. But God is preparing me for something different.
Again, everything goes back to God’s plan for us. And the truth that a season of singleness is not a punishment or withholding of something good. And that statement is true no matter our perspective. We might want to withhold ourselves from something, like another relationship, because of our experiences, and wounds, and perspectives. But Jesus doesn’t let us stay the same. God has bigger plans - and He may have different plans than we do. In fact, that’s usually the case, right?
Myth #3: A season of singleness means being lonely
Truth #3: This can be one of the richest and deepest relational seasons of your life - with God, Jesus, and even the Holy SpiritI would also add that you can spend more time with family, friends, co-workers. Explore developing new friendships.
But ultimately, this is a great season to deepen your heavenly relationships. In fact, this may be partly why God has called you to this particular season of singleness.
As humans, we can be very good at using other things to help fill the loneliness or this void that we have. As women, we can be very good at using a romantic relationship or partner to try and fill that void.
But our most important relationship is with God. And with Jesus. Our identity is in Jesus. (We recently covered that more in-depth in a previous episode.) We were created by God.
Use this time to focus on the most important relationships in your life. And if you see this time as being lonely, ask yourself these questions:
Are idols in your life that are creating your sense of loneliness?
Because God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are always with you. So you aren’t actually alone. But why do you feel alone?
Going back to what we talked about a little bit ago, is it because a husband or boyfriend has become an idol in your life? Is it because pursuing dating relationships is how you try to stem that sense of loneliness?
Or are there other idols in your life that are taking up valuable time and energy that could be poured into your relationship with God? Or even distractions - they don’t have to be idols.
If there are, give them to God. Lay them at the feet of Jesus. Ask Him to help tear down those idols and fill that space with Himself. It may seem difficult or scary, but it’s worth it - I promise you.
How much time are you spending with God?
Are you reading the Bible or doing a study to get into the Word? Are you connecting with God on a daily basis?
Are you sitting with Him? Or initiating with Him? If you want some creative ideas when it comes to connecting with God, check out the previous episode.
If you haven’t been connecting with God regularly, make a plan. Change that. Even if it’s a little step. Little steps lead to big steps. And big changes. Start creating new routines and habits.
What has shifted in your life recently that might be making you feel lonely?
Because it’s about things such as our time with God and removing idols and all that good stuff. But life is also...life. Right? Job changes, moving to a new city, kids going off to school all day or to college.
Sometimes big shifts happen and we’re working on adjusting to them. We’re dealing with the thoughts and emotions that occur as a result.
They’re not necessarily wrong - they just need to be acknowledged. And perhaps a plan needs to be put in place, like we talked about a few minutes ago, to spend more time with Jesus. And let Him fill those seemingly empty spaces.